Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm so scared

I'm scared I'll wake up some day, and he won't be there. Won't be mine anymore.
I'm so fucking scared that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Not nearly.
He's the only thing that makes sense any more.

And I'm so extremely terrified of losing him. I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it. Every other person I ever loved has left me, or given up on me. Why wouldn't he as well? And it scares me so much that I can't see myself a future with him. Not because I don't want to. But I can't. I can't afford it right now. If I start believing in a life with him, and he walks out on me... I wouldn't be able to take it. It would break my heart into a million tiny pieces. And I'm not quiet sure if anyone would be able to put it back together afterwards. I'm already starting to hope, to dream, and it scares me shit less.
I'm so scared that I'm putting so much more into this relationship than him. That I've misjudged our situation. That he really doesn't love me. Just like me. The comfort of it all. The sex. What if it's not really me?
I'm absolute terrified that he'll some day see me clearly. He'll see how much of an attention seeker I am, how greedy, how selfish, how jealous, how much in need of control I am. How ugly... He wouldn't stay with me, not if he knew the true me. I just don't think so. Terrified.
I'm scared he'll get tired of me. Nothing new ever happens with me. I'm easy to get bored with.
I'm so, so scared that he will some day leave me, feeling nothing but numb, and broken, and worthless. I'm not sure I'd be able to manage. Not with as many suicidal thoughts as I have at the moment.
I'm scared I'm not good enough for him. That he doesn't feel like I care, or listen to him. That I can't help him with his problems, that I'm not there for him when he needs me.

I'm terrified, and in tears. I can't sleep. I'm too scared.

I'm absolutely devoted to him. I'm so much in love, I can't even remember when I last felt something so strong. He made the numbness go away for a while. I'm dependent on him. Stupid as I am, I let myself get caught in the same trap as I did the last time. I need him too fucking much, and every fucking time he lets me down, it hurts me so bad. He's all I care for, though I know I'm not even close to all he cares for.

I'm so scared to lose you baby.
I love you. So, so, so, so very much. You will never understand it.
You will never know. I wish I had the guts to tell you all of this, but I don't. So you'll never know how I really feel. I'll just continue to smile, and savor every single second I have with you, and pretend I don't know that my time with you is borrowed. I'll enjoy what I have, for as long as I have it. Have you.
I love you.


  1. You are by no means those things you say. That's the depression talking and telling you lies. Even if you have elements of those traits, they are by no means all that defines you. There are good things about you as well, but the self-hatred bblinds you to them.

    I love you so much and I hope he proves himself worthy or someone who really is worthy of you comes along.

    If someone can't take you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best.

    Take care of yourself Bella <3

  2. If you can, talk to him. Communication really helps in a relationship even if you're scared or feel silly for what you're saying. You'll know then if he thinks you listen or care or are there for him. It should help reassure you to your good points, not focusing on your bad points. ♥ xxx

  3. I agree with Peridot and Little Miss Thin. You don't see yourself very clearly- you may only be able to see the bad but maybe he's able to see the true beautiful you, the one he cares for and loves. But you'll never really know for sure unless you talk to him about you fears.