Thursday, December 6, 2012

It's been 36 days

Since I last purged.
In that time, I have only cut twince.
My weight is averagely beneath the 80's, which I have been stuck in for a year or something.

Yes, that's right girls. I'm alive. I doubt that I've got even a single one of you left, who actually bothers to comment. Or even read this. But I'm here.

Why now? Why, when everything is going this well?
There can only be one reason.

Fall back.

I was showing Rasmus, my boyfriend, some pictures of girls I though was utterly beautiful. He thought them all to be too thin. At one picture, I stopped, and I told him "I would kill to look like that". He looked at me very seriously, and then said "no you wouldn't. If you wanted it that much, you would look like that".

Yes. He said that. To me. Even though I have told him a hundred times to watch out for what he's saying. He doesn't understand my mind yet. He keeps coming with comments like these. But this one... I'll show you honey. I'll show you just how bad I want this. I'll help you understand my mind. There is only two things going on in there. 1) Get thin, get beautiful, and 2) Make him think so too, make him never want to let me go.

So I am back. Starving. Purging. Doing whatever it takes.
I will get there. Wait and see.
Don't you ever dare to doubt my will. Not on this. Not ever...

1 comment:

  1. Rasmus: Dick move, boy. Dick move. You have NO IDEA what kind of hell you unleash in someone's head with comments like that.

    Mine was, when I was gaining weight 'your weight is out of control'. Oh I'm going to fucking show her some control alright! 11kg down since April, now it's getting harder but FUCK HER I'LL SHOW HER WHO IS OUT OF CONTROL.

    They should NEVER EVER say shit like that to us. Coz we will show them how good we are at wrecking ourselves to reach a goal. By hook or by crook, we'll get there alright.

    Love you Bella <3