(Yesterday's) Weekly weigh-in + 1 fucking year! (Long one)

CW: 80,5 kg/177,5 lbs (BMI 28,9)

Loss: +1 kg/2,2 lbs

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I was so bummed about that, I couldn't get myself towrite you about that. I was feeling like shit. I was so down, I even cut myself. Explanation further down.

I had actually decided not to tell you girls about it. But when I stepped on the scale today, the scale were saying 79,6 kg/175,5 lbs. I have my period at the moment, so I have come to believe that the gain was just a bloat. That kind of cheered me up. A lot.

Also, I baked scones yesterday. Just because I felt like it. They were pretty damn good, considering my abilities in a kitchen, and the fact that I'd never made them before, ever.

And, I had a wonderfu day with Nicolaj. I finaly got my Christmas break Tuesday but Nicolaj had to wait until yesterday. So I spend a day sleeping, reading in my book, snuggling with my boy all day, baking, eating less than I have in... Well, forever.

About the best follower thing. I'm really serious. You girls are so amazing! When I made that post monday, I was feeling like shit. Like I'd never be able to feel okay with myself again, like no one had ever failed like I had, like nothing was ever gonna make me smile again. Then a few hours later, I log on to find the most beautiful and inspiring comments. You girls were so kind to me, so much more than I deserve, and I was able to fall asleep with a smile on my face, knowing that somewhere in this world, there was someone who wasn't unhappy or disappointed with me. And even though I had gained for Tuesday, I managed to keep smiling. Even though I cut my thigh that morning - and it fucking hurt! - I managed to keep up a happy face. I managed to stay happy. Because I have the fucking BEST followers in the world!

Thank you so much girls! You have no idea what this means to me!

So... I cut again. I just couldn't bear to see the weight, just going up and up and up... I have my weigh in tomorrow, and I'll be lucky if I'm still just anywhere near 80. And it just hurt so much more when I stood there, looking at myself, knowing that the only person who was to blame was me. I just hated myself so much, I had to do something. So I broke my lady shaver, and I took the blades from that one and used. I have a kind of bad situation, 'cause I lost one of them when I opened it with the knife. It just flew away, and I have no idea where it landed. And those things are sharp, you know.

I chose my thighs. One, they're so fucking fat and ugly and I hate them, and two, it's so much easier to hide. I don't want to run around Christmas Eve, or even New Years Eve, and feel a bit less pretty because my cuts doesn't go with my dress.

It's pretty much healed now, and it doesn't hurt anymore. I guess I'm just sad it had to go as far as me cutting before I could get myself together and start losing again.

Christmas Saturday... I don't think i'll be able to give you girls a happy result next Wednesday. I already know how that evening wil go. Trying not to eat all day, failing, purging. Then eat a crap-load of wonderful, tasty dinner that my mom have been working on for hours. Purge. Same goes for the Christmas sweets that I'll eat while we open presents. That's right, Danish people get to open their presents on the 24th, after having eaten and danced around the tree. That's the only good thing about that evening, now my uncle Jan isn't comming anyway.

This will without a doubt be the worst Christmas I've ever had. I'm just waiting for it to be over...

Okay girls, I promise I will write you again soon. Tomorrow or Saturday, at the very latest. I want to wish you all a merry Christmas, and I'm not done yet. Also, I have on more thing to do in this post.

Today, it's exactly one year since I made my very first post on this blog.

And what - a - year!

Seriously. It has been so crazy, I don't know what to say about it, do about it. Think about it. I'm just glad I weigh less now that I did one yar ago, even if it's only a little. I'm so very happy that I've got so many wonderful followers, and words cannot describe what all the comments, advises, caring words I have gotten through this year means to me. This past year has been so much better, just because of you girls. I really mean it. Dealing with this, all this... It has been so much easier, having someone to share with, someone to ask for advice, soemone who understands me and are willing to support me in all this crazy shit.

And all the wonderful people who's blogs I've found, read, becomen addicted to. I feel like I've made a huge bunch of best friends this year. Really, I'm that pathetic. You guys really are some of my best friends. You know so much more about me than anyone, really.

Okay, now I'm just starting to sound pathetic. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you girls so, so much. Thank you girls for making this year so much more wonderful.

I love you!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥