Friday, December 9, 2011

104. I'm so out of titles for my posts by now...

Mostly, when I purge, I don't binge beforehand. I just eat something that I feel I wasn't supposed to eat. But not in huge binges, where I just eat and eat and eat, until my stomach is so full it hurts.
Yesterday, I binged. I'd had a bad day from the beginning, and when my sister came home with homemade cookies, I just totally freaked. It started out with maybe 10 cookies, then two pieces of toast, and some of my lunch (which I hadn't brought to school because I didn't want to eat it). I tried purging afterwards, but it just didn't want to come up!
Lasagne for dinner. I didn't purge that one. Why didn't I purge? Oh yeah. Because I'd already purged 3 times that day.
I also ate some sausage rolls earlier, bought for money that I don't have, only with the purpose of purging them as soon as I'd eaten them. I know that if I don't get this fixed right now, I'll be doing this for years. When I move out, I'll be using every dime I have on food that I'm not going to enjoy, because I know I'll have to throw it all up again.
I'm not going to have that kind of money.
I need to do something, fast.

Fast. That's it.
Today, I'm fasting. I even told my classmate, though I told her it was for another reason. I told her that since I'm a" vegetarian", and she saw me put chicken on my salad and eat it, that it was to cleanse my system for the meat that I ate, because I was that horrified about it. Which I am. I really, really wish I could stay away from meat, 'cause I think that what's being done to these animals are horrible! It's just that with this eating disorder, and knowing how few calories chicken and fish has, and how many good things they have, I'm like "I don't get enough protein, or enough of these fats and aminos and all that shit, so I'll just eat this instead of something high calorie, and be much more healthy"-ish. I wish I could be a vegetarian, but I'm so picky. I hate most vegetables, and I don't really like meals that comes with a lot of healthy stuff on the side. For me, a salad is lettuce, cucumbers and chicken. Usually some dressing, since my salad is quiet boring and dry if I don't add it.

My ED friend wrote me last night, told me she was feeling like shit. She hadn't eaten in 4 days, and intended to continue until tonight. Today, she's all quiet, and she looks so sick. I feel so sorry for her. Still, I can't help but admire her. Even though she feels like shit, she still keeps on going. Because her will-power is greater than her psychical needs.
She's the reason I'm fasting today. That, plus, my weight has just been going up-up-up lately. Last time I wrote I would fast, I failed badly. Not today.
I'm actually planning to try and fast through-out the weekend. Saturday until Sunday, I'll be having a movie night with the scouts of my patrol, along with those of my best friends. There'll be socializing, crap movies, crisps, cake, soda and tons of other crap. But as long as I have my diet coke, I'll survive. I think I'll bring 4 liters just for me. That's 1,05 gallons or 16,9 cups for those of you who use that. So yeah, I will have a lot. And I'll need to bring some safe food, in case I get too hungry. I suck at fasting, and I'm very, very good at convincing myself that I deserve that or that, that it's okay too eat, that I can still make it. I'll need tons of safe food, actually. Fruits and rice cakes and all sort of stuff. Anything that can keep my fingers of the crisps.
But mainly, I'll try and fast.

Gym today. Actually, gym in 3 hours. With no food in my stomach. Should be good. I always feel like I burn more when I haven't eaten. Do you know the feeling?
It's like, sometimes, you can feel that you're burning calories. With every breath you breath out, you can feel something leaving you. Warm air. You know that it's because you're working hard, 'cause it's not something that happens normally. To me, that feels like breathing out calories. Like they're leaving my body through every exit they can find, the sweat that tickles down my skin is calories leaving, my breath, my nose running like it does sometimes, when you really, really work out.
That's what I'm aiming for today.

Also, I have started keeping a food journal on me all the time. It's supposed to help me not over-eating, and therefore, not purging. Sometimes when you eat durring the day, it doesn't really feel like anything. But when you write it all down, look at it that way... It really does help.
It's a small note book, where I write down the date, what time it is, what I eat. Today is the third day I'm doing it, so it's not that big yet. I should start using it to work out a total calorie intake, but I don't weigh the food, so I won't be able to know for sure. I always guess, since most of the time I ate, it's either something mixed, or it's eaten somewhere away from home, where I don't have a scale.
I'll work on that one!

Sending all of you lovelies lots and lots of love!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Good luck with the fasting Bella! I have been failing too! I was down to 136 and in a week im back to 143lbs... so you are not the only one. I find that when my bulimic tendencies come back, thats when I gain, because I eat and eat to purge, but you can never get it all out.
    So i'm fasting today Saturday and Sunday until dinner too! :)
    good luck!

  2. Thanks for the comment back Bella! I just really need to loose these 10 lbs or I won't be able to enjoy a vacation that I have been looking forward to for months!!! But 12lbs would be Ideal! grr in 16 days.. impossible!
    yey for us fasting together!!

  3. i've missed you!
    hope the fast goes well
    been soo long since I fasted...
    hope everything goes well darling
    stay strong