Monday, December 19, 2011

Crappy weekend

Yeah, I'll just repeat myself so you guys get it completely: I've had a crappy weekend. Like, real crappy. Friday, I stayed in Køge with me ED friend, and we did a little shopping and stuff. I found the most wonderful dress for New Years Eve, but it was soooo expensive. I had to have my mom pay it, and she'll just take the money out of my next salary. Sigh. I have already spent almost all next months money, and we're not even there yet? On a dress that I will only wear to formal paties, since I never use the same dress for several parties in a row.
Actaully, the dress made me real happy. Also, I was able to fit into a size large, instead of the size xtra large I have always been using.
Then Saturday, after a long Friday night - big fight with Nicolaj, sigh - me, Nicolaj and my mom went to Waves, a big shopping center, to buy me some winter boots and a warm jacket. We found the jacket, a real pretty one, and again in a size large, but no boots. The we separated with my mom because she had to buy my present. I told Nicolaj that I wanted to ask her for lunch at Subway, and then he got all like, "I just think you're using her too much, spending all her money". I have no idea where it came from. Neither does he. Well, I asked my mom, and at first she was like no, but then when I told her that we didn't need it anyway, she got real pissed because she'd just accepted to do it. And I broke down. In the middle of the mall, yelling at my mom, I just totally broke down. I hid my face in Nicolaj's jacket, and I kept my gaze down. Luckily, I wasn't wearing any make-up. And of course, when breaking down, you don't really think about food, right?
Sunday wasn't any better, food wise. We decorated the Christmas tree and listened to Christmas music, me, Nicoalj and my mom. Had to say goodbye to Nicolaj, and I was so sad all evening.

My weekend have definitely been controlled by mood-swings, and I don't get my period until tomorrow. Seriously, how much worse can it get?

So far, today haven't been any better. I've eaten 3 pieces of fruit, a chicken salad, and then tons of chocolate cookies and candy. Like, why? I wasn't even hungry. It was just there for me to eat, so I did it. I have really gotten out of control, and in the worst way possible. It's like, I could do it if I tried. But lately, I've just found myself not even trying to try. I really should, and I know, as soon as I finish the book I'm reading now and begin Wintergirls, I'll be all over it. But until then... I've been gaining. And it hurts, it hurts to look at that number. Just above 80 this morning, and I hate it!
Gym after school. Hopefully, that'll get me together so I'll be able to start a fast this evening. I'll try and finish my book today, since I'm not going to be with Nicolaj anyway. I know that I'll do better once I begin.

I really really want to reach my goal of hitting 78 by New Years Eve, but then I MUST STOP EATING so fucking much. Girls, please help me out here. Tell me I'm better than that, that I don't need that food, tell me to put that fucking cake down RIGHT NOW! Be harsh on me! I need to hear it. I need to know that I'm not just letting myself down, but you as well. Nicolaj's too sweet with me, and my parents too. But it's not okay. I need to get myself together! Someone, kick me in the butt, slap me in the face! Shake me up!
I have a curve. It tells me what I should weigh at which days in order to reach my goals. Today, for the first time ever, I was right at that curve. So I can only just reach my goal, if I just get myself together now. I need to do this! I can do this! I will do this!

Oh girls, I need to leave you now.
I really, really need to get my fat ass down to that gym!
I will write you tomorrow, and I promise, tonight, I'll make time to comment on every single blog I'm following. As long as the post's new of course, but you know what I mean!

Until then love, take care of youself.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. look. you used one of my favourite thinspo pics! dammit.
    as i write this, i am eating peanut buttered veggies as my first meal of the day. damn, this peanut butter obsession. xD.
    you're like me! i...i rarely wear dresses. my Mother buys me one for each occassion and i HATE HATE HATE HATE dresses. because they're girly and cute and i'm so the opposite of that statement.
    ^__^ <3 you'll feel amazing when you fit into a small! in my school clothes, we have sizes ranging from XXS to XXL, and i fit into an XS! that's like...whooooa.
    awee. that sounds horrid, my little buttercup - actually, you remind me of a lilac. you will be my little lilac butterfly too! <3
    speaking of food, i don't think that's bad at all.
    oh my God. you remind me of myself.
    when i used to be 98kg, pushing 100, all i could do was look at my sister and go like "if only i was at her weight, then i'd have been at my goal weight so long ago..." she weighed 78. OMG when you hit it, you'll be amazed, love and BABY, BABY, BABY...remember. it's two weeks. you can drop even below 78 in two weeks! WE BELIEVE IN YOU. you know how your body works! so work it! <3
    we can't be unkind to you, dear. you're like my little cherub. i can't.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Don't worry, girlie! Things will get better, I promise :)

    It sounds like things are difficult, but I know that you can pull through it :) Just remember your goals!! I agree with Sam Lupin. As soon as you hit it, the feeling will be awesome! And WE DO BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

  3. Hi Lovey! Sorry your weekend was so crappy :(

    It is so hard to stop eating shitty foods after letting yourself get away with it for any amount of time, especially when there is mia involved. Every time your tempted to eat something you know you shouldn't remember that even having just that one chocolate will distance yourself from your goal even further. C'mon girl you have to want this bad enough!!! I can give you tips all I can, but at the end of the day the decision to be skinny has to come from you. You have to want it badly enough or you will be stuck being fat for the rest of your life! Remember the feeling of accomplishment when you got that dress in a large instead of extra large? Wouldn't it be even better if you fit into a medium or even a small? You could look so fantastic if you just stay determined. I know you can do it Bella! Please start trying as hard as you can because when it becomes a habit it really is SOSOSO much easier!

  4. You can TOTALLY do this, Bella!
    Think about how far you have come.
    And think of the satisfaction you will feel when you reach that goal.
    Nothing will be sweeter than that.
    We are all here for you and we all believe in you!
    *cheers with a big hug*
    Hang in there.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3