Today was one of those days where everything, from the very moment I got up, indicated that I should have just stayed home. So what the hell am I doing now, sitting in school, drinking my stupid diet coke? Which by the way tastes like shit. I'm too poor to buy the good one.
My weight has gone up since yesterday, and it's my weigh-in tomorrow.
The new armband I just bought for me and Nicolaj (he has one with my name, I with his) is already broken.
I ruined my only clean pair of socks this morning when I was dragging them on.
In history today, which begins in 5 minutes, we have to work in groups. That the teacher has made. And mine is completely shit. I'm with the most lazy, non-caring people in my class. And one of them, I really can't stand. No one really can.
If my absence wasn't 0%, I would so have stayed home today. I thought about it for a really, really long time. If today doesn't turn out either 1) catastrophic or 2) fantastic, God have just decided to screw with me today. Either it was a sign something bad was coming, or it was a sign something good was coming. If none of it, He's probably just really, really mad at me for crying all the way through my prayers last night, being so selfish. I don't know which one of those possibilities it will be, though.
And hell - oh, I mean class - has begun...
I have decided to fast today. And I would love if I could get tomorrow included in that as well, but I won't make unrealistic goals for myself anymore. I know, 2 days is not unrealistic for any true ED girl. But for me, it is.
Seriously, yesterday was crazy. I purged 7 or 8 times. In one day. And I didn't even purge my breakfast. You can guess how much I ate then. It was like, I bought 2 bags of crisps, and ate them in 3 sessions, 'cause after half an hour, I went out to purge it. Just to go back in my room and eat more of them. I felt so bad yesterday. I knew I would gain. And still, I kept on going. I was feeling like shit the entire time. I felt so horrible.
There was nothing glamorous about me at that point. There's nothing glamorous about any eating disorder. They just sort of make you believe there is, if you can obtain true perfection. Ana and Mia both promise you that if you get skinny enough, not eating and/or purging will be glamorous, because you'll be in so much power. Really, it's shit.
I hate it. I hate my eating disorder. I wish I could get rid of it. I just wish a little bit more that I could be skinny...
I am so scarred girls. I'm scarred, because I know eating disorders kills. Every single day, someone die as a result of their unhealthy eating habits. I have been like this for almost 4 years. How much longer will my body be able to take this?
Once, I was very like "it's not going to happen to me. I'm way too in control for that". But ever since Mia began being part of my life, I have started to realize just how bad I've come. I am so much not in control anymore. My hair is beginning to thin and fall of, I have stopped growing, I have a hard time behaving normal around people. My heart always either races, of skips beats. I know it, 'cause I can feel it. My teeth are probably rotting too. I just can't see it yet.
I am so scarred. I don't want to die because I can't control my eating habits. I want to live. I want to graduate, I want to move in with Nicolaj in some house we can call our own. I want to marry him, and have a beautiful wedding. I want to have babies, and become the best damn mother ever. I want to see the world. I want grand children, and I want to live until I'm 80 and die of age, knowing I have seen everything there is to life.
I'm so scarred girls...
I want to be healthy. I want to recover. But also, I want to be skinny, more than anything. I know I won't be able to recover until I'm thin, thinner than anyone I know. I must be the skinniest. I need to. i can't live if I'm fat.
I never though I'd be "the girl with the eating disorder". I'd seen so many films, heard so many stories. Lots of girls had made projects about eating disorders as well, but I didn't give a fuck for that. I wasn't interested in it. I don't even remember how I first got the idea to go online and try to find ways to loose weight fast. I remember that I had an account on GoSupermodel, a girls online forum that was pretty huge here in Denmark. I was in the debating forum, and saw that someone had a debate going about something called a "rainbow diet". I read it, and knew that this was some sort of anorexic diet. Still, I went onto the homepage the girl wrote she had found it on (she was disgusted). That was the first pro Ana site I ever visited. And I was immediately obsessed with it. I goggled it, and I found so many sites, but none of them were ever updated. Then, maybe 1½ year ago, I found the blogs. Like a pro Ana diary that was recently updated, I thought. I was so in love with the concept! That's what really kicked of me eating disorder, you know. Making this blog. I felt like I suddenly had a responsibility to you girls, to actually be eating disordered. I always was before, but never in the sense that I am now. I wasn't that bad. i could still eat regular, even though the voices inside my head protested, told me I was fat and didn't deserve to live.
I never thought I'd be that girl. I really couldn't get how they were thinking when I was younger. Really. They seemed so stupid to me. Like, "how hard can it be?".
I knew who I was back then.
I don't anymore.
So fucking depressed all the time.
I'm sorry girls.
I love you all.
I love you so fucking much, it hurts when I can't get on Blogger. Whenever my computer is out of power. Or I just don't e the time. It hurts.
I love you all.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥