Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Weekly weigh-in + plans...

CW: 81,1 kg/178,8 lbs (BMI 29,1)
Loss: 0,6 kg/1,3 lbs
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
I am not happy girls. I am not happy at all. 2 days after my weigh in, I was very much lower than this! This sucks. I hate myself...
I didn't fast yesterday. After school, I went home to my granddad. I always eat there, and I know it. So why the hell did I go? I know, I know. It was raining, and cold, and there was 1 hour until my bus was leaving. But I would have survived it for crying out loud! Much better than I survive this. Gaingaingain. Not since last time, that's right. But the last couple of days... I have sucked. Big time.

I found out something that shocked me so bad yesterday. I once read that you can purge maybe 2/3 of what you eat. Yesterday, I was at this medical site, and they said that you can maximum purge 50% of what you ate, and that was in the extreme case. Like, what the fuck? So when I eat 4000 calories a day, 2000 still remains inside me!
I have come to understand better why I have been gaining recently, now that my body has adjusted to purging. So I have decided that I am going to kind-of restrict, and only purge if my daily intake goes over... Well, that's really about how I feel. 'Cause if I eat only salad and fruit, and still go over 1000, I will let it stay in me since it's all healthy stuff. But if I eat just one bag of crisps, maybe 700 for the day, I will purge, 'cause that's some of the most icky and fattening stuff I know. So yeah, I can't calorie limit it. It will be about how healthy I eat.

I have already made me a salad for lunch. 1/3 salad, 1/3 chicken, 1/3 pasta, with a delicious curry-dressing on top. I know I shouldn't have added the pasta, but else, I would be eating only salad and chicken. You see, I'm really picky. The only thing I like in my green salad is the salad and cucumber. And they don't have cucumber where I buy it! Stupid salad-table-thingy.

Gym with my mom tonight. I'm going to go for 200 calories burned on the treadmill, 100 on the exercise bike, 100 by toning. Don't know if I'll add anything to that. I'd like to. But my mom is always done so fast, I feel like I can't spend any more than 50 minutes down there. I know she's only anxious for us to get done because of my dad. But it still annoys me.
I just wish my dad didn't rule my life like he does. I don't think that he gets, that the reason why my siblings, my mom and me do as he wants us too is not out of love and respect, but out of pure fear. I really don't think that he can see just how lousy a dad he is. Sometimes, I wish he'd never had children, 'cause it sure as hell hasn't been easy growing up with him.
I'm so looking forward to turning 18. He'll still have power over me since I still live at home, but I will have a reason to get a private life, like having my own bank account without him checking up on what I spend my money on, and him being able to just take my money if he feels like it. Not that he's ever done it without a reason, don't worry. But still, I'll feel better when I feel like my life is actually MY life.

I'll move out as soon as I can. Nicolaj and I have already planned it.
We're not sure about where we'll move, 'cause we have to make sure that it's close to where we're getting educated. But we have talked about moving to Jutland, which is bigger than Sealand, and therefore have more opportunities when talking educational. We'll get some tiny apartment that will take up most of our money, and we'll live on pasta and ketchup, but by golly, we'll be independent, we'll love it, we'll take care of our self, and we'll live our lives the way we fucking want to! Okay, I guess that's just me.
Plus, we'll be able to have sex whenever we want to, where ever we want to, and we won't have to hurry back into our pants so we wound be busted. Yes please!

One more thing.
Girls, I love you so very much, and I love how supportive you always are, and how much you care for me when I don't deserve it at all! But I might as well be honest, I'm going to get recovered from anything anytime soon. I don't want to recover from anything. All I care about is losing weight. And even though I'm scarred, I'm not going to change that. Please stop telling me to stop purging. It's just not that simple, and I know you're only caring for me, but really, it won't happen. Don't waste your time loves, you're too good for that.

I love you all, okay?
I reallyreallyreally do!
You are way to good for me, and you better know it, you beautiful butterflies!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. baby, you're amazing still! <3 *kisses cheek* you're going lower and lower still. i know this time NEXT year...oh fuck. it might even take a year for you at this rate!
    that's a fucking load of crap. if true bulimics only purge out 50% or even 80% of their food, ahahaha - they'd be gaining weight insanely, love! some of their binges go up to 10,000 and somehow, when the B/P, they still lose weight!
    i hate lettuce in salads. fuck them. i love really colourful ones!
    gahh. my Father is...well, he's a Doctor. he used to always push me to losing and now, he gives me that look when i mention dieting, he just goes "YOU ARE AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT, OKAY?" and he's a Doctor and i told him my BMI was over but he's like "well, your frame is large." GAHHH. LEAVE MY FRAME ALONE.
    i love that whenever i near my 'healthy' weight, my ribcage does show. i have a very large ribcage and broad shoulders, so ANYONE who doesn't know my weight guess me to be around 110-130! anything over that seems absurd to them. i'm like "pppftt. i weigh like ___". that's why my Father doesn't believe me.
    ewww. i hate condiments. >_< xD. but have fun at that life!
    sexy lady, i can't tell you to stop purging when i also purge like clockwork! xD.

    - Sam ♥

  2. Well done on your loss. You'll get there in no time! :)
    Nicolaj sounds great. Having someone love you despite your weight insecurities must be the best, I'm jealous!
    I wont tell you to stop purging because I know what it's like. You have to make the choice to recover on your own time, ya know?
    Lots of love!

  3. Hi there, new to your blog :) Just wanted to let you know thta I've been reading your stuff, and I really admire you. You're so raw and pure. You put yourself out there. I hide behind my writing. I can barely stand up for myself, but you're taking a stand. My dad is an ass too, just so you know ;)
    Thanks for being you!