Thursday, December 15, 2011

(Yesterday's) Weekly weigh-in + ... Nothing...

CW: 79,5 kg/175,3 lbs (BMI 28,5)
Loss: 1,6 kg/ 3,5 lbs
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I know I should be happy. I was happy about this Monday, when I first got under 80. I haven't been under 80 for almost 3 years, I calculated yesterday. I should be so freaking happy that I shot through the fucking ceiling, just by pure happiness. But no.
Yesterday was a bad day. One of those days where you wake up, and you can just feel that you're going to gain. That you're going to eat, and nothing will be able to stop you. I had one of those days yesterday. And I feel very much like it's going to be the same today. I did gain, I did eat, and I'm about to do just the same today. I hate myself, really, passionately hate myself. I'm in a total fuck-up mood, and that is really, really bad, 'cause I'm so close to being in the 80's that even just 1 day can ruin it all.
Class ends in 5 minutes. So in 2 lines, you'll probably hear all about the sandwich I ate in the meantime...

 Oh no, no sandwich. Just a big, fat wheat bun with butter on in. Why I am so fucking fat all the time? I would love to go purge, but I'm in class, and I can't just go.
I'll try in the 5 minute break we get in 20 minutes. It might be too late, but I have to try.
I can't think of school right now.
I can't think of anything besides being fat. That bun, swimming around in my stomach. I can still taste the butter in my mouth, feel it on my teeth. Smell it. It's on my fingers...

Past break: So, I tried purging, and I sucked. I got up maybe 2% total of what I'd eaten... I think I'll buy cookies for lunch and purge them, hoping that some of that bun will come up in the end. Or maybe just a sandwich. More expensive, but I can get that in the cafeteria. I can't with the cookies, I'd have to go to the supermarket across the street, and stand in line fore ages.

Hours later: So, today has definitely been a binge day. And purging. But more binging that purging. I have eaten so much, I honestly can't recall all of it.
Girls, I'm so worthless at the moment. I was supposed to go to the gym with my mom today, but she really didn't feel like it. We had to drive my sister though, so once we'd dropped her off, we headed for the Mc Donalds. I had one chicken Caesar salad and a big chocolate milkshake. Who the fuck orders milkshake with their salad?! Damn I'm fucked.
I've had chocolate, spaghetti with meat sauce, wine gums, sandwich, cake, that bun in the morning, and my salad and milkshake. I remembered it all, huh? Didn't purge the bun, the sandwich, the cake, the salad or the milkshake. So I will have gained for tomorrow, and I will have gone over 80, even though I just got under it.

I will not weigh myself tomorrow. I will not eat tomorrow. I will not fail anymore.
I will be an inspiration to all of you beauties.
I will be better.
I will be thin.

Oh, and by the way, I just picked up Wintergirls at the bookstore. So excited to read it! I always do better with the fasting when I'm reading books about anorexics. I have 3 already. Well, 4 now. They are like my bibles - they inspire me to do better. Well, along with the real bible. I am a Christian, after all. But you guys get what I mean, aye?

I'm so sorry girls.
I almost never comment on your posts anymore.
I can't inspire you nay more, because I'm not in controle.
I don't have any diet plans.
All I do is write about my failures all the time.

I love you girls.
I really, really do.
It hurts so much when I log on and notice that I have no comments. Even though I know its my own fault. It's been so long since I've commented on your blogs. Especially the ones that always are here for me, the ones who always comments on my blog. I swear girls, I'm gonna get better! I really, really, really am!

I love you all!
Never ever doubt it!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Wintergirls is a great book, You'll love it!
    You still inspire me even though you say you aren't in are a very strong girl, Bella. Never forget that!

    You stay strong love as well!

  2. Wintergirls is brilliant, you'll love it :) I have my copy next to me as I type. No matter how many times I read it, it doesn't get boring. Get cracking on it ;) xx

    under 80. fuck it. Bells, you're amazing! <3 *kisses her cheek*
    my dear, my love - i cannot handle how desolate you feel. *moans* my broken girl with broken wings, how i want to hold you tightly and wash the desolation from your bones, swipe it clean and maybe you won't feel as bad or heavy or broken. *kisses cheek* you will be fine, love. i can tell.
    i know how you feel, love. i didn't 'binge' yesterday, nor did i eat like a normal person - it was half-disordered, half-normal and i felt so bad for it. i didn't weigh myself today and am at 380 calories at 8:35. i think it's just the knowledge that i can eat whatever i want that is setting me off some foods. i recommend it! if you think you can't have that cookie, or that bun or something, you'll probably crave it. i walked past a cookie today and told myself: you can have it. it's alright. just measure it. and i shrugged and realised i really didn't feel like it. (: i haven't purged for ages. mostly because i've been purposely eating foods i can't purge to avoid it. gah. so fucking hard.
    ...actually. girlie, i HATED Wintergirls. i HATED Wasted. i HATED everything. the only thing i probably like reading about is about men being anorexics or bulimics. i can't stand it when i'm writing about a girl. weird, eh?
    wait. i rec. i recommend: <--bulimia fic. really haunting and cool and...gahh. *drools* <--this is anorexia. gahhh. i nearly cried at the end. i was reading it so normally and going all: 'oh. so?' then at the end, i felt my heart hurt because i can relate to that SO FUCKING MUCH.
    ahaha. you don't have to read it, but if you do - dammit, i'll love you forever.
    <3 <3 <3 Sam
    PS. just tell me what you think of it if you do read it! ahahaha. you'll love it. i think especially one specific line in the anorexic one. ;) i know you'll know which one it is when you read it. does that make any sense? yes? do i get a calorie-free cookie?

  4. I often find myself reading about eating disorders and watching videos on youtube about them. I'm not entirely sure why but I know that just about everyone else here does too.
    I thought Wintergirls was amazing, mainly because I could really relate to it on so many different levels.

    Getting under 80 is amazing, you should be happy. Keep going sweetheart.


  5. Thin isn't beautiful hun, personality is. Don't bring yourself down. You got under 80, that's amazing! You can do it :) Babysteps, love, babysteps.

  6. I also find that I am more focused when reading about others with ED's.
    That, and watching YouTube videos. :)
    You should be so proud that you got under 80!
    That is so amazing, Bella!
    *cheers with a big hug*
    Much love now and always.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3