So, I managed to fast for 48 hours before eating again.
When I weighed in after almost 36 hours, my weight hadn't changed a bit. That made me so bummed, I ended up eating last night, once past the 48 hour mark. Not that I was hungry. I actually wasn't, not at all. I could have made it through the night and into today. But I was so horribly tempted by those crisps down by the hut. I started of with just rice cakes with cheese. But in the end, I was to weak-minded. I was so depressed, having been at two social events that day and not eating when everyone else does. I just though that I wanted to try and behave normal, behave like everybody else.
Ended up eating way too many crisps and purged that night.
Then today, it just continued. A lot of bread for breakfast. It as low-calorie, but it was nothing but carbs. I ate 5 slices, 373 calories, with chocolate on it. Tried purging, but I couldn't really get more than maybe 1/5 up. On the way home, I stopped for a pizza. Tried purging that as well, and that didn't work out anyway.
Then, before I took a shower, I went on the scales. And holy fuck, if this continues to Wednesday, I have reached a new lowest weight ever! Those 48 hours really did make a difference!
So, I have decided that fasting will be the way to go. It was so much easier than I remembered it having ever been. And it works so amazingly!
Whenever I purge, I get maybe 50% up. That still leaves tons of calories, and that's also why my weight has been standing still the past couple of weeks or so. With fasting, there's no calories at all. And for some reason, my bulimic period has made it much easier for me to fast. I have never experienced it being so easy before. And I'm just so super excited 'cause of the low weight. This is a feeling I haven't felt for over a year! A fucking year!
Can I get a FUCK YEAH?!
So, I started this fast about... When did I finish the pizza? 2.30pm max. Lets say that! So until 4.30pm Tuesday, I will not eat. 50 hours of fasting. Liquid fast, soup and yogurt not allowed. A juice box if I start to feel real bad, but else, just water and diet coke.
I can't wait 'till Wednesday, when I get to tell you all about the new weight. I can say that I weigh less now, right at this moment, than I have ever done while having this blog. And it's pretty close to a year old by now. The 22nd, actually. So this is pretty fucking major to me. I can't really describe it. It's the feeling that finally, for the fist time in a long time, there is a chance for me. That I will one day be able to be thin. That I won't always have to be this disgusting. That I am finally, finally doing something right! Like... Like maybe, one day, there will be hope. There will be a chance that I can be happy, and not having to battle this hell every single day!
Okay, one thing at a time. I'm still fat. But I'm closer to not being fat than I have been for a long, long time.
Other than that, there really isn't much going on in my life. For once, everything just seems to be quiet and good. No family troubles, no boyfriend troubles. School still sucks, but in some way, it sucks a bit less. Holidays are close. Christmas is in the air, no matter where you turn. And somehow, even though it's December and there's christmas sweets everywhere, I am losing. I am finally losing! I will go into the new year being thinner than I was when I entered it. And I promise, promise, that after the holiday, I will be working on improving my grades. I really do want to graduate. I really do want to be able to get the job of my dreams, whatever that is. Everything is just looking up at the moment. And I like it, I like it very much :)
Also, I have been improving very much at the gym. This week, I've been lazy going, but overall, I can feel myself getting better and better. Now, I can run for maybe 15 minutes without stopping. 3 months ago, I couldn't run for 5. So I'm going to the gym tomorrow, see if I can make it to 20. If not, I will at least be doing 15, and then just walk the 5 last in a very high pace, uphill. Then the exercise bike, the weights. Whatever I'll feel like. I don't like to schedule my exercise too much, 'cause then it just gets too boring. I just do whatever I feel like the most, and because that's what I feel like, I'll do better at it too. So yeah, we'll see how tomorrow works out.
Girls, I know that I'm not the best at commenting. I comment so rarely, and I understand why you guys get tired of always commenting my posts, since I never comment on yours. But never ever doubt that I am reading them. I read every single post. The best time of the day for me is always when I update Blogger and see a new post since the last time. You girls totally make my day!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!