Thursday, December 1, 2011

Random ramble of whatever popped into my mind while typing this.

I feel like I should write an entry today, but I don't really know what that should be about.
I didn't purge yesterday at all. But I did go over the 800 calories net-total, even with 350 burned at the gym. It was so hard not to purge. In the evening, after having eaten that huge bowl of soup- One bun. Two. A cinamon roll. YES, I know I wrote snail the other day - directly translated from english to danish, that is what it's called. We are a weird people indeed, thanks for pointing that out Sammy. But seriously, can't you see how it can look like a snails-house? Or maybe snails are just weird too in Denmark?
Okay, back to topic. Today has been pretty bad. Ate my lunch spread across the day. I keep being so fucking hungry! So 1 piece og wheat-toast w. chocolate (110), then an apple (55), one piece of rye-bread with cheese (145), one more (145). I felt so bad I purged the last piece. I hate myself.
Then on the way home, it continued. i bought myself some hot chocolate, and knew I'd get it much cheaper if I bought croisants with it. 2. Chocolate. 300 calories each. Just to take off 20% of the price of my chocolate. When will I learn?
I purged that when I got home. Then, I ate an apple (55), and decided not to purge any more today. I ate another apple (55) 1½ hour later, along with a piece of wheat-toast with a cheese-spread (110). Then another apple (55). I had decided that that should be my dinner, but of course I ended up eating these baked-in veggie-thingys my mom made. I have no idea about the calories in those ones, but the dough was very fattening, so maybe 300 each? And I ate 2½. Purged.

Wrote with my ED friend. Didn't tell her about having purged twice already at that time. It's not lying, but it's wrong. I know you're reading this, and I'm really sorry. I'm just so tired of being so weak all the time, and I know you're going through stuff yourself. Please don't get mad :/

I've decided to start the ABC tomorrow. I know that this is totally over-ambigious, but I'd rather try and fail than being stuck here in my bulimic habbits. So even though I am nowhere near ready, having eaten 1500 calories a day at least the last weeks. But I am going to try my effing hardest, I promise you!
I gained after eating all that crap yesterday. Only a bit, but it's still a blow to my head since I had just made a post about how proud I was of reaching my first goal. I am now over that goal with 0,1 kg/0,2 lbs. Nothing. But it still hurts. I'm sure you guys know what I mean.
I think maybe I should make a meal plan for the ABC. I always sort of improvise, and then I make bad decisions. But I suck so bad at making plans, and I suck even worse at following them. I have always been, and will always be, an improvisor. Hint the huge amount of fat sitting on my body right now.

Damn. I sound so fucking depressed all the time. How can you girls keep up with that?
Well, even though I always seem depressed in my posts, I'm not. I just find it easier to write when I'm depressed, since I have more to say then.
In my every day, I'm only depressed a small percent of the time, and very little of that is in front of others too. I always act so happy and smiley like everything is just wonderful. Don't we all?
But seriously. I am getting more and more accepted in my "new group" in the class, I have gotten down to a weight I haven't been at since before the summer vacation, I have a wonderful boyfriend who tolerates me despite all my crazyness, and most important, I have you. You really have no idea how much you mean to me, how much you girls influence my everyday life. It's really crazy, I'm so addicted to this thing. Also, I have begin being more and more on Tumblr, and I do have one myself so that I can follow everyone. I don't post so much from it, but hey, one step at a time, right? So if any of you girls have a Tumblr, please, please post the link in a comment, ay? :)

Time for me to snuggle under my blankets, read in my book, and try not to think of food.
Oh, and by the way, I have finally colledteed enough money to order home Wintergirls. Went to the bookshop yesterday, and they'll text me when it comes in. It's already paid for and everything :)
Sorry, got side-tracked.

So, girls, until next time.
Know that I love.
That you are beautiful.
And that you can do anything, if you just believe it!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Hey hun,
    Thanks so much for the follow, I really appreciate it! I'm following you right back. Looking forward to getting to know you.
    Also, your thing about getting some sort of reward when you hit a goal weight, that's super clever. I like that! I'm going to do that too. Just gotta think of things that I want...which shouldn't take long lol.

  2. Bulimia sucks!! I mean, sure, the other EDs do too, but bulimia really sucks lol.
    I think I pretty much always come across as depressing when I blog too. In reality, I tend to be pretty okay around people.

    Good luck with the ABC xxx

  3. Winter Girls is amazing! And I thought it was cute when you said cinnamon snails!

    Stay strong, hun and good luck with the ABC!

  4. The snail thing was cute, I understood what you were talking about :)

    I have a Tumblr, its not really related to eating disorders but sometimes I put up some Thinspiration type pictures. It's really a place where I can go and look at pretty pictures.
    Here's the link: