I don't care

I should be down by the scouts by now. Right now. I'm not. We're supposed to bring out some magazines for some evening-class-orginasations-shit. I don't care.I should be doing my homework right now. I haven't done 'em once since I started school. I'm already falling behind. But I don't care.
All I care about is my weight. Calories. Food. That's all I can think about, all I can manage to care for.


So, todays intake goes like this:


B - Cult Raw Energy(230)
L - Ice berg lettuce (3), chicken fillet pieces (34), pasta (185), dressing (42)
D - Ice berg lettuce (3), chicken fillet squares (34), cucumber (4), egg (78), dressing (42)
S - Special K red berries (168), some pieces of beef (28)


Brings my total to 852.
No outtake. Been to lazy. As I always am.
I know this is not at all bad. But it's past 800.
Anything past 800 just makes me feel so sick.
I know I shouldn't feel quilty, but I do.
I know that this is half what I'm supposed to eat.
I know that this is a good intake.
I know.


The weight said 87 kg/191,8 lbs. Don't know if I'm happy about that.
It's less than yesterday. But just 2 weeks ago, I was 5 kg/11 lbs lighter. My first goal, actually.
I guess I have to make some new ones, since the last I made... The rewards has run out, if you can say it like that. Like the tickets to a concert,  finding place in March. And dying my hair black. To late for that.
I'm going to put this in the bar out on the side, instead of that cross-list I have, that never get's crossed anyway.

All I want to do is just snuggle under my blanket with my book in my hand. Maybe watch some True Blood on the computer. Or download something else I can use my entire night on.
Got like 7 hours a sleep last night. Way too much. Think about what I could have spend that time on.
And after sleeping so much, I've been so tired the hole day. It fucking sucks.
If only I could exercise in all those hours I spend sleeping.
But how the fuck can you exercise for hours, in the middle of the night, when all you have is this mini-step thing? And I wouldn't be able to explain to my parrents why I'm going out to run at 3am. I can't do sit-ups and stepping for hours! That would just be fucking shitty. Boring.
Any sugestions? I'm not great on all those stretches and pull-ups and leg lifts and whatever. I can't do that stuff. I need real exercise.


Actually, I would never run or ride around on my bike or just jog at night. I'm so terrified of the dark. I can't even go to the bathroom at night without panicking, so how the fuck should I handle running around on an empty street in the pitch black night? And I know that there really isn't anything to be afraid of. No, no one is standing in my living room, running up to kill me in the 5 steps to the bathroom. And no one is standing in my room when I get back, waiting for me to fall asleep. No one is out on the streets at that time, not I'm my dumb little town. Seriously, we're only 500 people, who would be outside 3am?


And I keep telling myself all this. I know it's not the darkness I'm afraid of, it's the unknow that might be in the darkness. I always tell myself to calm down, take it easy, why should today be any diffrent from the other 6296 days of my life? (Just calculated that on my phone - I really have no life ._.)
But I just can't seem to understand it. My fear lies so much deeper than my sense.

I'm scared of a lot of things.
Scared of the darkness.
Scared of needles.
Scared of food.
Scared of having put on weight.
Scared of not being good enough.
Scared that someday, I'll do something real stupid, and it'll cost me my life.
Scared that all this weight-diet-obsession-thing will change me. That I will no longer love Nicolaj.
Scared that I'll be kicked out of school.
Scared that I'll never get a good life.
Scared I won't get a baby.
So fucking scared, all the time.


Oh, and I'm scared Charlaine Harris is going to kill Bill, while saving Sookie's life. Though I am definetly still at Team Eric (yum!), Bill still makes me all "aaaaw!" all the time. Haha :)
At first, I was scared she'd kill Eric. I really, really believed she'd kill Eric, and the Sookie would go back to Bill, after getting over him (though, of course, she'd always love him.) But Charlaine promised that she wouldn't kill Eric, or make Sookie a vampire. So now I'm just scared she'll break them up. I'm pretty sure she will. Their relationship is just not described the same as the one she had with Bill. i don't know what the difference is, but it just doesn't give me the same vibe.
Oh sorry, I went into a geeky kind of state.
If I ever make a list of my top addictions - non food - the Sookie Stachhouse novels will definetly be my number one! I've read those books, all of them, more times than I can keep track of. 20, at least, in a year. And there's 11 novels, and one book filled with short stories happening between the novels, so that's a lot of reading.
Actually, the book I said I was going to read somewhere above this shit? It's Dead as a Doornail. Number 5. I'm going to start it now. Might not sleep 'til I'm done. That would be better than just... Sleeping ._.
I did it again.
Don't ever get me started on this, or I will go on for hours!

I guess you girls have more than enough to read by now, so I'll just leave you with this.
Love you with all my heart girls!
Stay strong!
- Bella ♥