I'm so scared

I'm scared I'll wake up some day, and he won't be there. Won't be mine anymore.
I'm so fucking scared that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Not nearly.
He's the only thing that makes sense any more.
And I'm so extremely terrified of losing him. I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it. Every other person I ever loved has left me, or given up on me. Why wouldn't he as well? And it scares me so much that I can't see myself a future with him. Not because I don't want to. But I can't. I can't afford it right now. If I start believing in a life with him, and he walks out on me... I wouldn't be able to take it. It would break my heart into a million tiny pieces. And I'm not quiet sure if anyone would be able to put it back together afterwards. I'm already starting to hope, to dream, and it scares me shit less.
I'm so scared that I'm putting so much more into this relationship than him. That I've misjudged our situation. That he really doesn't love me. Just like me. The comfort of it all. The sex. What if it's not really me?
I'm absolute terrified that he'll some day see me clearly. He'll see how much of an attention seeker I am, how greedy, how selfish, how jealous, how much in need of control I am. How ugly... He wouldn't stay with me, not if he knew the true me. I just don't think so. Terrified.
I'm scared he'll get tired of me. Nothing new ever happens with me. I'm easy to get bored with.
I'm so, so scared that he will some day leave me, feeling nothing but numb, and broken, and worthless. I'm not sure I'd be able to manage. Not with as many suicidal thoughts as I have at the moment.
I'm scared I'm not good enough for him. That he doesn't feel like I care, or listen to him. That I can't help him with his problems, that I'm not there for him when he needs me.

I'm terrified, and in tears. I can't sleep. I'm too scared.

I'm absolutely devoted to him. I'm so much in love, I can't even remember when I last felt something so strong. He made the numbness go away for a while. I'm dependent on him. Stupid as I am, I let myself get caught in the same trap as I did the last time. I need him too fucking much, and every fucking time he lets me down, it hurts me so bad. He's all I care for, though I know I'm not even close to all he cares for.

---
I'm so scared to lose you baby.
I love you. So, so, so, so very much. You will never understand it.
You will never know. I wish I had the guts to tell you all of this, but I don't. So you'll never know how I really feel. I'll just continue to smile, and savor every single second I have with you, and pretend I don't know that my time with you is borrowed. I'll enjoy what I have, for as long as I have it. Have you.
I love you.

Christmas has officially reached a new low

I'm sitting in my room, all alone, just... Wishing it would all be over. That this would be just another regular evening. I'm so sick of this already. I'm so sick of Christmas in this fucking house with this fucking family. I swear to God, the day I move away from home, I am never having a single Christmas like that ever again. Ever! It's the same every year. We wait until way to late to eat. After dinner, we eat dessert. After desert, we dance around the Christmas tree. After that, we open presents. And after the presents, we go to bed.
Well, I don't want to fucking eat, 'cause it's all just gonna end up in the toilet any way - which my mother know very well. She commented on the toilet not flushing properly after my last purge. I don't want to dance around a fucking tree, holding hands, singing songs. I don't want to spend hours of watching what other people get for Christmas. I - DON'T - FUCKING - CARE! Why doesn't anyone in my family seem to realize this?! 
I want to have a nice Christmas, just me and my boy. Who is Rasmus now, yes, but this is just a general dream. I want to make a light, lovely Christmas dinner together the man I love, and have fun with it. We'll eat, and laugh, and we'll drink too much alcohol, and we'll have a fucking nice time doing it. Then, we'll open presents together. Then there's sex. And at the end of the night, we'll cuddle on the couch, watching some cheesy Christmas movie. And when we go to bed, we will fall asleep in each others arms. That would be the perfect Christmas.

I don't wanna go to sleep alone tonight.

I really wish I could be with you now love. We'd cuddle and tickle each other and laugh, and while everyone around us wastes their time, we're gonna be spending ours together, just the two of us, having a perfect evening. You'd get me a wonderful present, and I'd get you something that would barely be good enough. But you'd still smile, and kiss me, and thank me, and try to convince me that it's the best gift ever. All I want is to be with you. Why can't I be with you?

My life has never felt as sad as it does right now. I have never in my entire life felt so lonely, so depressed, so fucking helpless.
I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Smoking a cigarette, listening to depressing music. Knowing I'm about to eat a bunch of food I don't want, food I won't enjoy, and then go throw it all up again. Nobody's texting me. Nobody's even thinking about me.

I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Crying...

Why do we do this to ourselves loves? Why do we always insist on being miserable, on being depressed and alone. We pull ourselves away from the people who loves us, so that we can run around and say "I'm all alone, it's so hard, feel sorry for me". Why?
Because we don't deserve any better. We don't deserve happiness, so we keep a distance to anything that can make us happy. We don't deserve anyone loving us, so we let go of the people in our lives. We don't deserve fucking shit. But we don't deserve to die either. That's too fucking easy. So we walk around, empty and broken, just fighting to get through day after fucking day. We're nothing but empty shells. We're not dead, physically, yet we feel so dead inside. And no one understands. No one but the people who have tried it themselves, can possibly understand our pain. They can't see it.
We all just want someone to see us.
To save us, while there's still something left to save.

Merry Christmas guys.
I hope you're doing better than me.
No matter what,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

If the world ends today...

I have wasted my entire life, not gotten anything, anything at all, that I wanted to do in life.
I also want you guys to know how much I love you. Seriously, like... So much. It's crazy.

4 eggs, scrambled and with ketchup, and 2 pancakes with syrup, sugar and whipped cream. Wow, what a fat ass.
So, if you need me girls, I'll be spending my last day on earth purging, and then trying to work it off in the gym.

Weekly weigh-in + Pictureeeees :D

CW: 77,1 kg/170,0 lbs (BMI 27,6)

Loss: I'm not even gonna do this

GW3: 73 kg/160,9 lbs (BMI 26,2)

 

Yes loves, that is abso-FREAKING-lutely right! That is a new lowest weight for me in 4 FUCKING YEARS!!! You guys have NO idea how fucking happy I am right now! It is just INSANE. I have been stuck in the 80's for soooo long, and then suddenly, out of no where, BUM! I just drop and drop and drop. And oh gosh, how I love it!

Since we're at all that ED stuff, I though I'd let you now how it's working out for me eating wise. I have no idea why, but lately, I have absolutely dropped my appetite. I'm not complaining here. Yesterday, I had 1 bun with 1 egg for the entire day. I binged on 3 buns more at, like, 2am, but purged it all. I should never be left alone in the house. It is just too easy for me to binge when everybody is asleep!

I have been sleeping in lately. Like, very much. I woke up at 1.30pm today. With no school, no job, no nothing, it's just too easy. If I can just sleep it all away, I won't feel like such a failure, at least. So. I woke only 3 hours ago, resulting in the fact that it is now 4.30pm, and I have not eaten a damn thing today. And the funny part is, I'm not even hungry. Usually, I get hungry an hour after eating. But the last couple of days... Maybe it's my weight loss success that messes up my brain, but I'm just not hungry. I can't really explain it any more than that.

Oh, and girlies, here it is! A picture of my tattoooooooooo <3

 

I LOVE it. I don't know if you can tell - I sure can - but the writing is different in all three words. I had my sister write the top word, Mie, my best friend WHO BOUGHT ME THIS TATTOO FOR CHRISTMAS, write the middle word, and Rasmus, my boyfriend, write the bottom word. And I know what you're thinking; "you're gonna regret that if you break up". WRONG. The point of this tattoo is, it's real, it's authentic. Even if we break up, I will always know that he did really love me when he wrote down that word. Us breaking up won't make that any less true, any more meaningful. He'll always be a part of my life now, broken up or together. And that's what tattoos does, isn't it? They take a special, fleeting moment in life, and they make sure you'll never forget it. It's perfect just the way it is, and I love it. So don't you dare say I'm gonna regret it!

And, just because I'm in a sharing kind of mood, here is a picture of me and Rasmus. I realized you guys had no idea what he looked like! Wait - did I ever post a picture of Nicolaj? Oh well, too late. They're all gone by now. But here we are, me and my honey <3

I guess you can figure out for yourself who is who? :P

I don't know why, but I am in an EXCELLENT mood today. I have cleaned my room, I have wrapped up all me presents, I am listening to the words of the fabulous Luke Bryan, and tomorrow, I'm back on the pill, and I'm gonna have fantastic, crazy, rough, mind-blowing sex! (Sorry Michelle - men du er selv ude om det!). And yes, that was Danish. A friend of mine is reading my blog, and I thought I'd give her a shout out. Could it get any better? I think not.

 

Oh, and here is a picture of me and Mie. Just because I want you to see her as well <3

 

And me with my BEAUTIFUL baby sis <3 who is 14, and a lot taller than me, yes...

And me and my beloved doggy. I miss you so much <333

And by now, I figure you've had enough of me. So I'm gonna leave you for now, BUT, with the promise that I will be back soon. Before Christmas, I promise. Before the 21st actually, 'cause if the world ends, I want you guys to know that I sent you all one last thought ;)

So for now girls,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

I'm getting tattooed in 22 minutes!

I think I'm gonna diiie!!!!!

Every fucking time!

Note to self: whenever Rasmus as much as mentions his computer, dig in your heels. Run away. Fast. Or refuse. Anything so it won't end up like this.

So, we're on our way home from scouts, when he says "can we just pick up my computer at my friends place before we go home to me? Not because I'm going to play or anything. Well be there for an hour tops". Now, 3 hours later, he has decided that we should sleep here. And him and his friend is gaming again. So basically, I'm stuck for the night in a house I don't know, with people I don't know, and absolutely nothing to do. I'm through my Tumblr, my Facebook, even my blog... Never trust that boy to make a decision I like, as soon as a computer is involved!

Still purging. Not eating as much as last I was purging, but definitely more than I could allow to stay down. Weekly weigh in tomorrow, if you still want me to do that? I figured I'm just going to start over with all that shit.

So now, I figure I'll go sulk in a corner until my boyfriend takes the hint. And that can be hours from now, seriously...
Sorry about the short post. I'm on my phone, and I do not get along with the touchpad!

So, until next time loves,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Snow is falling

All around me, Children playing, Having fun! It's the season for, Love and understanding! Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas is overrated. You always watch all the movies, all the TV series. All the pictures of the pretty lights, the children building snowmen and having fun, couples holding hands. Truth is, you lose three toes just trying to go into that weather. Might as well just stay inside, listening to depressing music, updating your blog.

Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of the year. Everyone was just so happy, and the whole nation was just glowing with joy and anticipation. I was no different than any other kid. With stars in my eyes, and I watched the candle with it's numbers slowly count down to the big day, opening my advent calender, making wish lists as long as myself.
Now, I can't stand it. All these people around me, trying to act so fucking happy all the time, trying to hold on to the childish illusion I used to love so much. I see through them. I know they're really just stressed, and sad, and broke, and just wishing for this month to be over. Everyone, they're all so fucking fake this month. And why? Because that's the social standard. Everyone does it. They all smile, and laugh, and wish each other a very merry Christmas, but most of all, they just wanna scream and swear at Santa Claus and this whole fucking tradition.
Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I just... Gosh, I hate it.

I purged yesterday evening. Well, night, actually. This morning too. I lasted 38 days. But it's just not working. I'm sick of acting like I'm okay. People think as long as I'm not purging or cutting or breaking down in public, that I'm okay, I'm getting better. When the truth is, I'm getting so much worse. The anti depressives are not working. I find myself thinking about suicide every fucking day. I just want to cut open my skin and disappear. Never come back. I'm a loser. I dropped out of school, but I can't even find a job. I have no money, no friends, no interests.
I am nothing anymore. Just an empty shell.
I've gotten so well at acting, it comes naturally to me. So I guess I'll just keep going through this hell, until I finally break some day. I cut, I cry, I lie, I fake a smile, and they all believe me when I say I'm "fine".
People.

I think it's because I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Lena and I, we've just sorta flown apart. I still see her and her lovely family, but we don't talk like we used to. Rasmus... He's not into deep conversations. I keep trying to tell him I need it, but it never really happens. Mie, she's always working. And if not, she's all hooked on her newest love. So even though I have the best boyfriend I've ever had, the best friends, the best family... I still feel alone all the time. And that hurts, girls...

I know you guys haven't heard a lot about Rasmus yet, but there's something I really need to get of my chest.

I don't think it's going to last. Don't get me wrong, I wish for it, more than anything. But it feels like we expect different things from a partner, me being a selfish little bitch, just wanting him all to myself, and him being Mr. social, just wanting to spend time with his friends and play his stupid game with them. And I just feel like, some day, he's going to realize this. And he's going to dump me, and find someone better, someone he can be himself with. And I just so don't want to lose him girls. I really, really don't. He's the best thing I ever had, and I'm so fucking afraid. All the time.
I haven't seen him since Thursday, when he left in the evening because he had to work the next day. He was supposed to stay here, to sleep by my side. I sleep so badly when he's not there. But he left. And though I have begged him, literally, to come home to me, to come help me, he's been at his friends house since Friday, and is staying there until tomorrow. He's only an hour away, and he can't come to me when I'm begging him, sobbing and broken, to come hold me, even for just one second. He has to stay with his friends, and play LOL or COD or what the fuck he's playing this time.
I needed him so bad last night. And he wasn't there. I wrote him, crying, telling him that I couldn't handle it by myself. And he just told me that "he's not the kind of boyfriend who is there all the time". I'm not fucking asking you to be there all the time! I'm asking you to be there for me, when I FUCKING NEED YOU!

So, I had breakfast today (a bun and a piece of bread, both with cheese spread). A stupid, stupid habit, that he got me into too. But I had it at, like, 12 pm. So I should be able to make it through the day, into the evening, where I'll come up with some excuse for my parents. Maybe I should just take a long hike. In the storm. Get lost, get buried underneath the masses of snow and sludge and... I don't know.

My cat disappeared two weeks ago. And Monday this week, we had to get my doggy put down. Damn, I miss them so much, both. They were the only ones in this house, who was just as intelligent as me. The only ones I could really talk to. I guess that's pathetic, huh?

So...
Merry fucking Christmas, and a "happy" New Year to you all.
We all know that's not going to happen, though.

I love you girls. With all my heart, I love you, and I will never ever leave you like this again. So sorry! <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

It's been 36 days

Since I last purged.
In that time, I have only cut twince.
My weight is averagely beneath the 80's, which I have been stuck in for a year or something.

Yes, that's right girls. I'm alive. I doubt that I've got even a single one of you left, who actually bothers to comment. Or even read this. But I'm here.

Why now? Why, when everything is going this well?
There can only be one reason.

Fall back.

I was showing Rasmus, my boyfriend, some pictures of girls I though was utterly beautiful. He thought them all to be too thin. At one picture, I stopped, and I told him "I would kill to look like that". He looked at me very seriously, and then said "no you wouldn't. If you wanted it that much, you would look like that".

Yes. He said that. To me. Even though I have told him a hundred times to watch out for what he's saying. He doesn't understand my mind yet. He keeps coming with comments like these. But this one... I'll show you honey. I'll show you just how bad I want this. I'll help you understand my mind. There is only two things going on in there. 1) Get thin, get beautiful, and 2) Make him think so too, make him never want to let me go.

So I am back. Starving. Purging. Doing whatever it takes.
I will get there. Wait and see.
Don't you ever dare to doubt my will. Not on this. Not ever...

Blissfull joy

Right now, in this very second, as I write down these exact words, I am crying girls. For the first time in a long time, I am crying. I am feeling. And not only am I crying and feeling again. I'm crying because I'm so God damn happy! It's so fucking crazy! And so fucking amazing!
My whole life has just been turned upside down this past month. Everything I knew before, it's gone. I've started a new chapter of my life, and every day I wake up, I feel a little bit better, a little bit stronger. Happier. At last.

As soon as I have posted this, I'll go give my sister the biggest hug ever, tell her I love her, and then I will start on the many school reports that I'm still missing. I'll get up and in school tomorrow, and I'll get through the day with a smile on my face.

I will eat whatever I feel like, and not feel like shit afterwards. I wont want to purge it all, and I wont want to cut myself up for any reason.

I'll love the world, and I'll love life again. As it was always supposed to be.

I love you girls. I love you with all my heart, and I wish you all the best.

Take care!
- Bella ♥

Okay... I've got a lot of new stuff for you!

Oh, girlies, girlies, girlies... SO much has happened since last time I wrote you! And I am seriously sorry for how long it's been. I've just... I haven't really known how to tell you all the news. And as each day passed, more just kept building up, and I just didn't have the energy to write it all down.
I suck at blogging. I'll try. I really, really will.

So... The big things first.
1st of September, I was at this huge party. I got really, really drunk. And I cheated on Nicolaj. I had sex with this guy named Rasmus. We fucked by the campfire at 5 in the morning. It was 6 when we were finished. It was fucking amazing. I didn't even feel bad afterwards.
A couple of days later, I broke up with Nicolaj. Yes. I broke up with my boyfriend for more than 4 years. Fuck. That kinda turned my whole life upside down. All these bad things, the cutting, the starving and the purging, the depression. He's been part of all that. He was just dragging me down, and once I fell in love with someone else, it was so clear to me. He was a safety port, build up with all my weaknesses and insecurities. So I had to let him go. I didn't really love him, so it wasn't fair to keep him. And I deserve a shot at happiness.
25th of September, me and Rasmus officially got in a relationship. This is a relationship build up mostly with our lust for each other. The sex is fucking amazing! It's crazy. So wild! Don't get me wrong, I really think he's an awesome guy. He's sweet, and sexy, and just lovely. I get to know him a little better each day, and I love it! I just can't help but think that all he wants me for is the sex... Not that he's ever said anything like that, he's actually denied it. But with my self esteem and such... It's just easier to think he only wants me 'cause I fucking rock his world in bed. Then it won't hit me as hard when he finds out I'm nothing like what he really wants. I just don't want to get hurt...
Thursday, I cut deep enough that I had to go to the hospital. I've cut that deep before and not gone, but since I'm really trying to get out of it, I felt like taking a step in the right direction. They glued me together, though they should have stitched me up. It sprung open the day after. Whatever. I tried.
I've only purged 3 times since that 1st of September. And I've been so happy, most of the time. That could be due to my medicine finally working, but I doubt it. I believe it's because I'm in love. I believe that it's Rasmus who's bringing out all these feelings in me. Right now, I'm just flowing along. I have no idea where I'm heading.

School sucks. My abstinence is enough to get me kicked out, and I can't seem to get myself together. I don't give a fuck, to be honest. And I hate myself for that.

I dyed my hair red again. 4½ months break it got. I thought I deserved it by now. It's a darker red than the last time, really nice! I love it! Rasmus seemed to like it too, despite I'd just dragged him through 2 hours of shopping (5 new shirts, and new scarf, and new boots!).

My weight's been going down lately. Reeeally slowly, but in the right direction. I got a diet from the ED center, but I haven't been following it. I've been eating what I want. Not in like, binging all the time. I actually haven't been eating that much. And thanks to Rasmus, a lot of extra calories has been burned lately. So I can't really be too depressed about that.

I'm starting to gain more confidence. I blame him for that too. I'm picking up an attitude, and I think it kinda suits me. I don't know. I still hate myself. I still think I'm ugly as fuck. But I don't always act that way anymore. The difference between confidence and self esteem, you know. That way.
It's both nice and sucks. I've started to not give a fuck about things I should worry about. I'm spending my money on whatever I want, I'm skipping classes in order to be with Rasmus, I'm never at home any more. I get drunk, and I do stupid things, and then I go do it all over again. I don't really care anymore. I just wanna be young, and wild, and free. All the things I couldn't be when I was with Nicolaj. All the things I have missed, while all my friends went through it. Now it's my turn to act like a 16-year old. Even if I'm 18, and grown up, and all that shit. I guess I really do believe that somehow, everything is gonna fix itself. And that attitude won't change until I'm proven wrong.

I'm getting my first tattoo soon. Don't know when, though. If I can make it a month almost without cigarettes, then I guess I could have it done in December already. That would be lovely. It's gonna be a butterfly. Surprise!

...

He's got a best girl friend. So far, it hasn't been a problem, since she's in Switzerland for a year. But you know me. I'm the jealous type. It's just... She's so beautiful! I'm scared that if she ever falls for him, he'd be ready to leave chubby, ugly me for a beauty queen like her. They've know each other for 16 years. They've done everything together. They even have tattoos together, that he paid for!
Deep inside, I guess I'm just jealous 'cause I never had that. I never had a best friend. Someone who knew everything about me, someone who's been by my side for as long as I can remember, someone who just gets me, who I can do anything with. I want that. But it's too fucking late. So now, I'm seeking to have all those things with my boyfriends. And that's what makes me so fucking crazy sometimes.

One drunk night, I read his Facebook messages with her. When he told her about me the first time, she went onto my Facebook to stalk me. She then wrote him "is she heavy?". He answered her "a little". I fucking died inside. Everytime I think of it, it makes me want to never eat again, ever...

Enough me for one night.
I swear girls, I'll be back soon. Very soon!
I've gotten a smartphone - FINALLY - so now, I can even make short updates from school and stuff. Don't be surprised if I start doing that :)

I love you girls. I love you with all my heart! <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Rollin'

Seriously, I have been doing SO well lately! Yesterday was less than 500 calories, and today was just over, and most of that was purged. Oopsie. (I'll write it more precisely down below somewhere) But really, I'm actually kinda proud. I have always said that I was able to do it, if I'd just get myself together! Well, I got myself together, and I feel so good! Just... Instead of purging every damn hour, I have found myself purging 2 times on 4 days. Isn't that amazing?! I mean, for me! Me girls! Fat cow here, who weighs a ton and eats like it! Well, no more!

The number on the scale just keeps going down. I can't wait until my weigh-in! And never have I felt this way before about it!

So, yesterday, I went back to the ED Center to talk to a shrink. We talked for maybe half an hour, and I told her about my father - and my family in general - being the reason for my eating disorder, I told her about the school psychologist and stuff like that. After that, we used about 45 minutes on an investigation. Their words, not mine, I swear. I had to answer a ton of questions in order for her to evaluate 1) How serious my ED is, and 2) How prepared I am to change that. It was actually pretty easy.

I have been blessed with a very nice shrink. She's kinda fat, and her hair is so white, because she's old, so she kinda just reeks of grandma, of old, sweet ladies, who are always smiling and so. She feels very homey. At the same time, you can just hear in her speech that she is a professional. She can put a word to every single thought, and explain and understand everything I say. I feel honest around her, like it would be wrong for me to waste her time by lying. It's amazing!

I'm going back in next Thursday to get the answers, and a plan for my course there.

So, to my intake. I just want to say, the reason it went so high was, I decided to give myself a little treat. It's Friday night, and I have been doing so well lately. I thought that it was okay to be rewarded, even if I knew it would make me purge. So, here it goes.

For lunch, I had one bun with some cheese spread, and an apple (116 + 44 + 60 = 220 calories)

And then here around 8, I had a small can of crisps and some chocolate bisques (340 + 830 = 1170 calories). All of that was purged. Or, not all, 'cause that's pretty impossible. But I don't think more than 2-300 stayed down there.

So, at total of 1390, minus the 900-1000 I purged. So about 500?

I'm not too beat up about that, since I allowed myself for some. I just hadn't figured it would be that much. I calculated afterwards, and though it didn't feel as much, it obviously was. Lesson learned, never eat those chocolate bisques again. (They are looking at me at this very moment, but I'll just light up a cigarette, and stick my though out at them!)

*Taking a break to light up cigarette, and realizing I have been sitting on a PIN the entire time I have been writing this!*

Right now, my plan for tomorrow is: Sleep late to avoid breakfast, read until lunch, where I have to go babysit until night. Bring over 2 bags of 60 calorie tomato soup. Eat THAT if hungry. Avoid unhealthy things. Rather and apple than a candy bar, or rye bread than toast, if not able to resist. No more than 500, to make up for this evenings treat.

Sounds doable. These past couple of days I have noticed, I don't really hungry until dinner time. That's where I break down and eat every day when I have been restricting. If I eat too late after dinner, it's always really unhealthy, so I'd rather eat my soup at 6, than try to fast, and then eat candy at 8 or 9.

I will write you girls again Sunday, after having been to my sister-in-laws 2... 20-something birthday! xD

Oh, and to answer Peridot (G+P)'s question: They're called Fluoxetin Actavis. They're against both depression, bulimia and OCD. Though the doctor don't know about my OCD. But he knows about both bulimia a depression, so it's cool. They can be appetite suppressing for some, but it's not a certain.I'm keeping my fingers crossed, though :)

I love you girls. I love you for just reading this bullshit, and for actually caring. I never expected when I started this blog, that I would ever have someone to care about it, about me. It means the world to me, and I really, really love you girls for that. Thank you so much!
Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + Eating Disorder Center news

CW: 83,3 kg/183,6 lbs (BMI 29,9)

Loss: +4,3 kg/9,5 lbs (In three months only...)

GW1: 82 kg/180,8 lbs (BMI 29,4)

Well girls, I told you I was seriously fucked up and fat. Here is the proof. Since the 16th of May, I have gained 4,3 kg/9,5 lbs! That is a seriously insane amount for a summer vacation. I have ruined every progress I had made for the past half year!

But you know what? I'm not really that bummed about it. Because just Friday, when I got home from the second scouts camp, I weighed 85,8 kg/189,2 lbs! A weight I'd sworn I'd never go to again. Of course, my period, which came Monday, might have had something to do about it. But a lot of it was my own damn fault.

And, what is even more amazing is, yesterday, I succeeded a 24 hour fast! Me, who have put on almost 5 kg/almost 10 lbs over the summer vacation, managed to fast for 24 hours, just out of nowhere. I just woke up and thought "Hmm, let's see how long I can go today", as I do every morning. And I managed to keep it up until after 10pm, which was circa the time for when I had last eaten. I'm so Goddammit proud of myself! The fact that I binged and then purged everything afterwards. I managed 24 hours!

Today's intake:

4 rice cakes with cheese powder on them for breakfast (about 150 calories)

1 bag of wine gums on the way home from the Eating Disorder Center (about 500 calories).

1 piece of lasagna with carrot and 1 piece of bread for dinner (about 350 calories)

A total of 1000 calories.

Minus the purged, so maybe 700-800?

I tried to purge some of it, but it's kinda hard with wine gums, 'cause they're all just fluent when they come out, so I never manage very well.

Did purge the lasagna...

But still, that is a very low calorie intake for me, and also a very small amount of food, actually. I haven't eaten more than 200g today! The fact that 150 of them were candy is another story. But think about it girls! Me!

And now, for the serious part. Which isn't even that serious. The interview with the consultant.

First of all, he was originally Swedish or Norwegian. I can't tell the difference, I suck at that. Point is, he was NOT danish, and I only understood about half of what he was telling me. Which is pretty frustrating in itself. He asked me all these types of questions, like how long my problems have been going on, what would I like to weigh myself (I lied and said 55 kg/121,3 lbs, when really, it's just below 50 kg/110,2 lbs), how often I purge, all that kinda stuff. Then they measured my blood pressure, my pulse, my height, my weight (82,8 kg/182,5 lbs on their scale), my body fat percentage (36,8, GASP), and they listened to my lungs and heartbeat. He guessed I was a smoker, so I guess that's bad.

Anyway. We made a new appointment the 5th of September, and then, when I see my psychologist tomorrow, I'll find out how often I have to meet with her. I've also been given a dietician, so I guess I'll hear from the again soon. I also had a request sent to all the hospitals in my region, saying I have to come in and get some blood samples taken, and they'll put my heartbeat up on a screen, stuff like that, so they can see how my body and my organs really are.

Oh, and he put me on some anti depressants, which are also supposed to help with my impulse control, so I won't binge as easy, and I'll binge on smaller portions. I can pick up the pills from tomorrow off. So, in advantage, sorry if I start acting a little crazy the next month or so. It's a side effect, before they start working, you get worse :/

And you can't overdose on these pills. Nothing will happen if you try, except for maybe, you'll get a bit sick. But that's all. So I'm comfortable with these pills in my possession.

I think I'll try and make a calorie limit for tomorrow. Without purging!

I must not eat more than 700 calories tomorrow, and I must not purge.

Hopefully, I'll be able to do it. I feel so inspired at the moment. It's so nice, finally feeling that way again. Trust me girls, it has been a long time since I last felt like this!

So girls. I don't know when I'll write you again. Maybe tomorrow, after the psychologist meeting, or maybe Friday. Trust me, no later than Friday! I had totally forgotten how nice it feels to just... Just to be able to share my day, no secrets, no lies. It feels so wonderful!

Thank you girls, for always being ready to give advices, to cheer on me, to tell me that someone believes in me. Just for reading it. Thank you so much. It means more than you can ever imagine :}

Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Finally, an update!

So... I ended up going on another scouts camp, therefore being away for week extra. I'm sorry for that lovelies, I had no way to tell you. And no, I do not own a smartphone. As one of the few, I still have my own, internet-free, build to be dropped piece of crap. So yeah.

BUT I'm back now. And what a time it is to be back.

In only two days - and since it's half past 11pm as I write these exact words, I don't think I can even call it a day. Wednesday, anyway, I am going to the clinical center for eating disorders, to have an interview with a consultant. I have no idea what that is about, and I am SO not prepared for it. Thursday, I have been set up to meet a psychologist. Tuesday next week, I have to meet her again, to conclude on whatever the fuck we have to talk about this Wednesday. I honestly have no idea. I am not well briefed enough at all.

And I'm scarred. I'm scarred as shit. I don't want to learn all about why I have my eating disorder, because 1) I already know, and 2) I don't want to get rid of it! Recovery does not work, if the "victim" is not willing to recover! And I am not. I am so, so not. I am a massive fat-ass, which you will find out when I this Wednesday start making my weekly weigh-ins once more. Of course, I will not make this update until after I come home from the interview, so I can tell you about that at the same time.

I have put on so much this holiday. It's fucking killing me. I hate myself so much, and I hate myself even more for not having the willpower to find my way back to loosing. 'Cause to be honest, purging never worked. It was just my solution to when I was bad, so I wouldn't put on even more. I don't even want to imagine where I would be, if I had not been purging so much these past 6 weeks.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is: I need to pull my fat ass together, go on a diet where I don't eat much, so I won't have to purge. That way, I can be honest at the center-thingy, and they'll think "Oh, she's all better", and I can go back to cutting, and crying, and starving. Or purging. Or whatever. My point being, I can go back to my comfort zone. It sucks to admit it, but I like being this miserable. This numb emptiness that embraces me at all times, even when I fake my smiles and make them all think the depression is gone, or show off my arms and pretend to no haven cut in months, when my thighs still hurts from the night before. The feeling of food, leaving my body, fat never getting settled. I like it. It's comforting for me. Because it's something I know. That's what it's been like for years. It's all I remember, other than filmy glimpses of a childhood so easy, so carefree, that I might as well have made it up.

I cling to my misery.

I don't want to feel all right.

I am not all right, and I'll never be.

So why should I want to put on a mask and fake that I am?

I'm thinking about ABC, just because I need some boundaries, some limits, and making them up myself is not working. Then it feels unofficial, and it's easier to break.

Oh, and I have not eaten meat for almost a month! I know, I know, wannabe-vegetarian. But seriously, I have started to feel like one. I hate meat. It's nothing but dead animals. Seriously, who can put a corpse in their mouth and not get sickened? So really. At last, I really, really AM a vegetarian. And proud of it!

Anyway. I could do ABC, SGD or The thinspo diet. That's probably all I'd be able to by now, and I know I probably wouldn't even last a week. But I seriously need to get something started, even if it's a deader from first day! I just have to have something going!

Only thing is, I have this huge party coming up September 1., where I'll have to eat. It's a two times 40th birthday, held by Lena, my grow-up friend. My bonus-mom, I call her. I can't go through that evening restricting. The food alone will get me over my limit, and the liquor! Oh, I'm gonna be so hammered I'll even forget about all of my problems! I seriously need it. It has been so long since last, and so much has happened lately. I just... I need that one night of no cares in the world. I really do.

Maybe I'll do it, and just push that day. I don't know, you can't really do that. But I kinda have to. And a diet where you cheat one day is better than no diet at all, isn't it?

So, to summarize: I need a diet, though I don't know which one, and I don't think I can do it. I'm going to a recovery center for eating disorders two times this week, to get help with not only my eating disorder, but also my cutting and my depression, though I don't want to lose any of it. And I start school next week. I never mentioned that, I just remembered. Sigh.

I think I'll just turn of the computer now and listen to some music on my iPod.

I love you girls. I never meant to leave you for so long without telling. Things just got in the way, and I'm really, really sorry, but hey, that's life. Not much I can do about it now :/

Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Very short post

So, tomorrow, I'm leaving for the national scouts camp. 35.000 scouts. In Denmark! That's gigantic! Directly from there on, I'll leave for the beach house my parents rented. So I won't be back home until 4th of August, and probably not updating immediately if the weight has gotten real bad. Like it has lately. Sigh. Festivals really don't do anything for your weight, and neither does depressing sessions consisting of days of eating tons and not purging. So I won't reveal anything until I come back home, and the weight is back down to an acceptable level!

Okay girls. I know lot's of you are disappointed in me, have forgotten me, or don't really care anymore.
I can't excuse that. I have been selfish, updating whenever I want to, forgetting you lovelies for weeks at times (I never forget you! It just might have seemed like that :/ ). I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry. Really. Honestly. I swear.

I love you. You girls are all I have left by now. I'm 18 years old, a grown up, battling an eating disorder, self harm issues and a depression. This is the only place I can be myself. And I can NEVER forget that. I love you guys. With all my heart, I really do love you. (Oh God, I'm crying now. What is the matter with me?!)



Until next time - and there'll always be a next time!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Roskilde 2012, exams and an emotional breakdown.

So... It's been a long time since I last updated. I really have no excuse. I have just been so busy with my exams, and my appointment at the psychiatric department, and Roskilde Festival, that I actually ended up having an emotional breakdown. I just... My brain just switched off, and I just spend my time eating, and and crying, and surrounding myself with a lot of people so I wouldn't be alone, and starring into space. Not at lot of motivation to update. My weight jumped right back up to 82 kg/180,7 lbs at that point.

Then I went to Roskilde Festival, which I just got home from yesterday. And let me tell you, I knew it would be bad, since I have been eating a ton of crap, and not purging (you just don't want to on a festival. The toilets are those sewer cleaning toilets, and you do not want to put your head in that bin. But really, we walked around a lot, and I didn't expect it to be that bad. Stepping on the scale this morning, it read 85,1 kg/187,6 lbs. I have out on over 3 kg/6,6 lbs in ONE FUCKING WEEK, plus I've gone over the weight I swore I'd never ever go over again. That lasted for about a year, and one fucking festival week was all it took to ruin that.

So today is a fasting day. I have some diet coke left from the festival (also, I have an ass load of beer, but that's besides the point), and since I was kinda tired after the festival, I slept until it was past 12. I'm through half the day without eating, just by sleeping. So this should be fairly easy.

I mean, I have a hard time fasting. But this time, it'll be different. Seeing that high number just shocked me up. I know, mentally, that I can do it, I know that my body can make it. I know I've done way longer before, and succeeded just fine.

So today, it's diet coke and cigarettes only.

I went to that psychiatric meeting I had set up long time ago, remember?
Well. They were very nice, and very easy to talk to, and I really, really thought they understood what I was telling them. They asked all the right questions, and I was 100% honest with them.
At the begging of the meeting, they asked me what my main goal in coming there was, and I told them, truthfully, that all I wanted was to be rid of my depression. That the self harm and the eating disorder was definitely not a focus of mine. And what do they end up doing? They pass me along to the fucking eating disorder psychiatric department or something. I forgot the name. It doesn't really matter.
I just know, know, know that it will not help a thing. Because I am not ready to give up my eating disorder, or my self harm. When I told the doctor about it, it was to explain my depression, not to get "cured" for it. And now that's gonna be their main focus, and I'm gonna go through hell to end up not getting shit out of it, if not getting worse. I'm going to tell them this on my first appointment up there, I swear. I'm so frustrated at their decision. GARH!

Damn girls, I almost went out to get something to eat there, without thinking about it at all! I have gotten so used to eating, I don't think about it before I do. I really, really need to get out of this Mia thing, and find my way back to Ana. I have done nothing but gained since I found her, I have gotten weaker, and I'm destroying my body way more effectively now than ever before.
I hope this fast will spark that back up. My best friend have joined my gym, finally, and she's making sure I get going. She also helps me eating less, because she's had bulimia herself, and wants to make sure I don't binge and purge. And I guess even to my friends, it's preferable that I not eat, rather than eat and purge. So let's hope I'm finding my way back now :)

Girls, I promise, promise, promise I'll be back tomorrow with a new update. And the day after that. And after that.
I know you've probably all forgotten who I even am.
I deserve that.

But I will work hard to change that.
Really.
I will!

I love you girls so much. Don't you ever, ever forget that!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

"You could use getting back on the exercising bike" he said.

I guess I'll be purging again from now on.

Thanks dad. I was so well on my way out of this eating disorder, and you pushed me right back in.
Thanks a lot.

Weekly weigh-in + Those days where I really hate myself...

CW: 79,0 kg/174,1 lbs (BMI 28,3)

Loss: 1,1 kg/2,5 l

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

 

I know I should be pleased by that. But I was so hoping it would be lower. It was yesterday. I'm so disappointed in myself. I ate badbadbad yesterday, even though I knew today was weigh-in! I always do that! I hate it! I hate myself. I'm such a big fat pig. Stupid. Stupidstupidstupid!

And of course I continued today. I ate 735 calories just for breakfast, and I didn't - fucking - purge. Argh! Why didn't I purge?! So what if I had class. I don't give shit about that. I could have said I needed to go to the toilet. Desperately. I could have ignored my teacher. I could have fucking not stuffed my face like a starving African child, when in reality, I'm a fat, stupid, lame Dane.

I cannot eat another bite for the rest of the day. My sisters confirmation is tomorrow, so I will eat lame. There's both breakfast with the grandparents, and the family dinner/party at night. Birthday parties Friday and Saturday. There will be snacks. And alcohol. Both is bad, and somehow, the snacks always seems to come down along with the alcohol. Fatfatfatfatfat. I need to do good today. I must be as light as possible by tomorrow. What if the dress wont fit? What if my ever non-shrinking body has decided to hate me, and feels like being bloated and acting like crap all day tomorrow? I just know it will. It always does. I hate my body. And I hate myself. Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

 

Doctor appointment later on today. Today, I'll finally get told whether we can start some treatment of my depression while waiting for the psychiatric appointment or not. My doctor called them, the psychiatries, the experts. If they say go, I'll get put on some pills, and I'll be watched very carefully, both by my doctor and my family, so I wont end up killing myself during the first month (side effects). If they said no, I'll just have to wait 4-5 months, until they have resources for me at the psychiatric, and I'll have to live with the weekly doctor visits.

I'm so nervous. So very, very, very nervous. What if I don't get any help? I'll break down. Put what I have to take those stupid pills? I'll break down too. Seems like nothing is really going to help. I'll be crying tonight no matter what, I can guarantee you that. And if Nicolaj and I don't work something out, and I'll be alone, I'll cut my every piece of skin to pieces. I sure would like to do that just now. But I'm in school. And Mie, my best friend, will be there when I get home...

 

 

How can I be so massive, and still feel so fragile?
How can I be so strong, and still feel so weak?

How can I be so fat, and still feel so... Well. Fat. I ran out of words.

I just want to... I don't know. Cry. Cut. Lose weight. Starve. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Be happy. Break down. Run away. Give up. Disappear. Die...

I can't even face tomorrow any more. I can't even face the current day. I live day by day, not running, not walking, but crawling across the events of my life. When I go to bed, I close my eyes and pray that I never wake up. All I seem to care about is hurting myself. I cut, I starve, I binge and purge, I smoke, I thirst. All just ways to slowly kill yourself. It's like a suicide they'll never know about.

I keep thinking about it. Dieing. What would it be like? How would I do it? Would it hurt? Would it burn me up from the inside out? Would I, with my last breath, remember all the reasons to live, and regret in the same second as I pass? Or would it be peaceful? Finally, I can sleep. Forever.

This sounds so serious. Does it help if I say that it's only during my breakdowns I feel like this?

I want to start crying. Sobbing. But I don't seem to remember how any more. The tears never really come. Besides, I'm sitting in the middle of a classroom full of students. And two teachers. What wouldn't they think?

Patheticwasteofspacefatshoulddropoutshouldgodiefuckofemogoawaydramaqueenattentionseekingwhorefatfatfatfatfat

I don't deserve shit. I don't deserve tears, I don't deserve feelings, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve my few friends, I don't deserve Nicolaj, and I most certainly do not deserve you.

This is all way too good for me. You're way too good for me.

Dump me. Leave me. Get the fuck out of here, before I fuck you up too badly.

I am shit.

No. Not even that.

I'm less that shit.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Gym date, new hair and abstinence

So, to start of in a totally eating disordered way:

Yesterday I ate: 1 bowl of cornflakes with sugar (purged), 2 toasts with ham, cheese and ketchup (purged), 1 pita döner kebab (purged), 1 cup chocolate pudding (purged), 1 roll of Oreo-wannabe cookies (purged) and 1 bag of pop-corn (purged). So yeah. That sucks.

I was at the gym yesterday - my first gym date. I don't know how much I burned. About 400 would be my guess.

They gym was actually a lot nicer than I remember. I mean, my muscles have gotten very, very weak since I last went, so my body is aching all over, but I was with friends, and we actually had fun. Of course, I was by myself around half the time, since I'm training with guys - there were 4 of them, and I'd only expected 2! They nearly killed me... - and they don't care much about cardio or leg muscles. But when I was with them, we had fun. We laughed of the weakest one, the youngest one, the most feminine one. And no, that wasn't even me, lol.

I must admit, I have been on the scale for the past two days. I had to. And I was somewhat pleased with the number. Let's say it like this: if I weigh the same or less by tomorrow, for my weekly-weigh in, that will be a fantastic process made in one week! Even thinking about last week's weigh-in was made on the first day of my period (bloatbloatbloat).

I actually didn't even put on from yesterday, despite all the crap I ate. And I must admit, the 5th time and more than you purge on a day, you do it half-heartedly, thinking "every single calorie count". It must be the way I ruined my body yesterday I can thank for not having put on.

I don't know if you've mentioned it, but so far, my abstinence this year have been 0,00%. Well, no more. Damn it to hell if I didn't wake up late because my phone had fucked me up when setting the alarm Sunday evening. I seriously broke down crying, thinking about my 0,00% abstinence gone. Crying. My doctor told me it's and OCD, so maybe it's a good thing I got confronted with it, seeing that I didn't die from getting a bit abstinence. But I was so hoping I could make it the last 2 weeks of school. Dammit!

And then for the last mysterious part of my post title. My new hair!

Sunday, I got a haircut, changing my bangs especially. And yesterday, since I had all day at home anyway, I decided to dye it. I had to for my sisters confirmation - a tradition in the Scandinavian Lutheran protestant church. I don't know if Lutherans in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world has them. I juts know we do. It's pretty much like a Bar Mitzvah. It takes place in a church, where you say the Lord's Prayer and the Creed. That way, they confirm what has been giving them in the baptism, and get confirmed by the priest in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. Amen. After that, there's normally a huge party, where the person holding the confirmation is given tons of expensive gifts and lots of money. We don't celebrate sweet 16 here either, so you get the best gifts of your life at your confirmation.

Anyway. I needed to dye my hair because the dress I'm wearing for the party is the color of smoked salmon, and my dad would freak if I showed up with that and red hair. He's even forcing me to take out my nose ring that day, saying it wasn't part of our original deal, but when had I ever cared about that, and yadda-yadda-yadda. And since I'm still beneath 18 by then (Turning 18 on the 27th of May, my sisters confirmation being the 17th of May - Thursday) I have to do as he says, according to the law.

I don't have a good picture of my hair, so I'm gonna wait and upload one from the confirmation or so. I also got some new extensions (my old ones being 31 year old and black), but I have to dye them the same color as my hair. I ordered them blond, so I could dye them any color I wanted to.

I'm also invited to a 21th birthday Friday. We're going to play paint ball! Awesomeness!

Seriously, I can't wait! I've never tried it before, but it always looks like so much fun!

It begins at 11am, so I have to leave by 10am in order to make it with the public transport. This means I have to get up around 9am. The day after my sisters confirmation. Where there will be drinking, and dancing, and joking until 2am or so. So, 7 hours of sleep, hangover, playing paint ball, drinking again after that. Plus I'm invited to a party Saturday too.

Normally, I'm never invited to parties. But this weekend, with my sisters confirmation, I'm invited to 4! I have to turn one down for fuck's sake! My head is gonna be done by the time I have to get up for the last party. I'm gonna be plain dead. I don't have the money for that much alcohol? I need to buy more cigarettes soon, and I don't even have enough to pay for that!

I hate not having a job. I hate hate hate hate hate it! Please, someone, hire me! Anyone?

Auch!

I swear girls, my butt is killing me! It's crazily sore!

Argh!

And now the conversation has turned to me rear. I think I better end this thing, before I say something deeply disturbing. Seriously. Plus, I think it's time for my break! Cigarette <3

I love you girls. So, so, so, so, so much!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments you left me.

But honestly, I don't deserve them.

I suck so much at giving them myself.

Don't waste your time on a girl who isn't going to return it.

You're better than that.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥