Weekly weigh-in + Eating Disorder Center news

CW: 83,3 kg/183,6 lbs (BMI 29,9)

Loss: +4,3 kg/9,5 lbs (In three months only...)

GW1: 82 kg/180,8 lbs (BMI 29,4)

Well girls, I told you I was seriously fucked up and fat. Here is the proof. Since the 16th of May, I have gained 4,3 kg/9,5 lbs! That is a seriously insane amount for a summer vacation. I have ruined every progress I had made for the past half year!

But you know what? I'm not really that bummed about it. Because just Friday, when I got home from the second scouts camp, I weighed 85,8 kg/189,2 lbs! A weight I'd sworn I'd never go to again. Of course, my period, which came Monday, might have had something to do about it. But a lot of it was my own damn fault.

And, what is even more amazing is, yesterday, I succeeded a 24 hour fast! Me, who have put on almost 5 kg/almost 10 lbs over the summer vacation, managed to fast for 24 hours, just out of nowhere. I just woke up and thought "Hmm, let's see how long I can go today", as I do every morning. And I managed to keep it up until after 10pm, which was circa the time for when I had last eaten. I'm so Goddammit proud of myself! The fact that I binged and then purged everything afterwards. I managed 24 hours!

Today's intake:

4 rice cakes with cheese powder on them for breakfast (about 150 calories)

1 bag of wine gums on the way home from the Eating Disorder Center (about 500 calories).

1 piece of lasagna with carrot and 1 piece of bread for dinner (about 350 calories)

A total of 1000 calories.

Minus the purged, so maybe 700-800?

I tried to purge some of it, but it's kinda hard with wine gums, 'cause they're all just fluent when they come out, so I never manage very well.

Did purge the lasagna...

But still, that is a very low calorie intake for me, and also a very small amount of food, actually. I haven't eaten more than 200g today! The fact that 150 of them were candy is another story. But think about it girls! Me!

And now, for the serious part. Which isn't even that serious. The interview with the consultant.

First of all, he was originally Swedish or Norwegian. I can't tell the difference, I suck at that. Point is, he was NOT danish, and I only understood about half of what he was telling me. Which is pretty frustrating in itself. He asked me all these types of questions, like how long my problems have been going on, what would I like to weigh myself (I lied and said 55 kg/121,3 lbs, when really, it's just below 50 kg/110,2 lbs), how often I purge, all that kinda stuff. Then they measured my blood pressure, my pulse, my height, my weight (82,8 kg/182,5 lbs on their scale), my body fat percentage (36,8, GASP), and they listened to my lungs and heartbeat. He guessed I was a smoker, so I guess that's bad.

Anyway. We made a new appointment the 5th of September, and then, when I see my psychologist tomorrow, I'll find out how often I have to meet with her. I've also been given a dietician, so I guess I'll hear from the again soon. I also had a request sent to all the hospitals in my region, saying I have to come in and get some blood samples taken, and they'll put my heartbeat up on a screen, stuff like that, so they can see how my body and my organs really are.

Oh, and he put me on some anti depressants, which are also supposed to help with my impulse control, so I won't binge as easy, and I'll binge on smaller portions. I can pick up the pills from tomorrow off. So, in advantage, sorry if I start acting a little crazy the next month or so. It's a side effect, before they start working, you get worse :/

And you can't overdose on these pills. Nothing will happen if you try, except for maybe, you'll get a bit sick. But that's all. So I'm comfortable with these pills in my possession.

I think I'll try and make a calorie limit for tomorrow. Without purging!

I must not eat more than 700 calories tomorrow, and I must not purge.

Hopefully, I'll be able to do it. I feel so inspired at the moment. It's so nice, finally feeling that way again. Trust me girls, it has been a long time since I last felt like this!

So girls. I don't know when I'll write you again. Maybe tomorrow, after the psychologist meeting, or maybe Friday. Trust me, no later than Friday! I had totally forgotten how nice it feels to just... Just to be able to share my day, no secrets, no lies. It feels so wonderful!

Thank you girls, for always being ready to give advices, to cheer on me, to tell me that someone believes in me. Just for reading it. Thank you so much. It means more than you can ever imagine :}

Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥