Friday, August 17, 2012


Seriously, I have been doing SO well lately! Yesterday was less than 500 calories, and today was just over, and most of that was purged. Oopsie. (I'll write it more precisely down below somewhere) But really, I'm actually kinda proud. I have always said that I was able to do it, if I'd just get myself together! Well, I got myself together, and I feel so good! Just... Instead of purging every damn hour, I have found myself purging 2 times on 4 days. Isn't that amazing?! I mean, for me! Me girls! Fat cow here, who weighs a ton and eats like it! Well, no more!
The number on the scale just keeps going down. I can't wait until my weigh-in! And never have I felt this way before about it!

So, yesterday, I went back to the ED Center to talk to a shrink. We talked for maybe half an hour, and I told her about my father - and my family in general - being the reason for my eating disorder, I told her about the school psychologist and stuff like that. After that, we used about 45 minutes on an investigation. Their words, not mine, I swear. I had to answer a ton of questions in order for her to evaluate 1) How serious my ED is, and 2) How prepared I am to change that. It was actually pretty easy.
I have been blessed with a very nice shrink. She's kinda fat, and her hair is so white, because she's old, so she kinda just reeks of grandma, of old, sweet ladies, who are always smiling and so. She feels very homey. At the same time, you can just hear in her speech that she is a professional. She can put a word to every single thought, and explain and understand everything I say. I feel honest around her, like it would be wrong for me to waste her time by lying. It's amazing!
I'm going back in next Thursday to get the answers, and a plan for my course there.

So, to my intake. I just want to say, the reason it went so high was, I decided to give myself a little treat. It's Friday night, and I have been doing so well lately. I thought that it was okay to be rewarded, even if I knew it would make me purge. So, here it goes.

For lunch, I had one bun with some cheese spread, and an apple (116 + 44 + 60 = 220 calories)
And then here around 8, I had a small can of crisps and some chocolate bisques (340 + 830 = 1170 calories). All of that was purged. Or, not all, 'cause that's pretty impossible. But I don't think more than 2-300 stayed down there.
So, at total of 1390, minus the 900-1000 I purged. So about 500?
I'm not too beat up about that, since I allowed myself for some. I just hadn't figured it would be that much. I calculated afterwards, and though it didn't feel as much, it obviously was. Lesson learned, never eat those chocolate bisques again. (They are looking at me at this very moment, but I'll just light up a cigarette, and stick my though out at them!)

*Taking a break to light up cigarette, and realizing I have been sitting on a PIN the entire time I have been writing this!*

Right now, my plan for tomorrow is: Sleep late to avoid breakfast, read until lunch, where I have to go babysit until night. Bring over 2 bags of 60 calorie tomato soup. Eat THAT if hungry. Avoid unhealthy things. Rather and apple than a candy bar, or rye bread than toast, if not able to resist. No more than 500, to make up for this evenings treat.

Sounds doable. These past couple of days I have noticed, I don't really hungry until dinner time. That's where I break down and eat every day when I have been restricting. If I eat too late after dinner, it's always really unhealthy, so I'd rather eat my soup at 6, than try to fast, and then eat candy at 8 or 9.

I will write you girls again Sunday, after having been to my sister-in-laws 2... 20-something birthday! xD

Oh, and to answer Peridot (G+P)'s question: They're called Fluoxetin Actavis. They're against both depression, bulimia and OCD. Though the doctor don't know about my OCD. But he knows about both bulimia a depression, so it's cool. They can be appetite suppressing for some, but it's not a certain.I'm keeping my fingers crossed, though :)

I love you girls. I love you for just reading this bullshit, and for actually caring. I never expected when I started this blog, that I would ever have someone to care about it, about me. It means the world to me, and I really, really love you girls for that. Thank you so much!
Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. i love YOU. and im really pleased you are upbeat today, i know it might not last forever, but im grateful you have had a good day :-) that last picture, that is one of my fave thinspos, i have it saved on my laptop.

    im glad you got a good gp to talk to about the ed stuff, deffos helps if you can trust and like the person you are trying to open up to.

    muchly love, little starshine x

  2. Yay you got a good one1 :D So stoaked for you! I hope things continue to go well there <3

    I was doing so well, and for some reason today binge-mode engaged. Been avoiding it so far, it may be time for an early night to stay out of the kitchen :/

    Have a good weekend and have fun at the parties <3

  3. Hey Bella,

    I've just found your blog
    I also have anorexia/bulimia
    You seem to be doing well and that's great
    I purge everyday and have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
    Your therapist sounds nice, I'm blesses to have an amazing therapist too

    Good luck with everything x