Monday, August 13, 2012

Finally, an update!

So... I ended up going on another scouts camp, therefore being away for week extra. I'm sorry for that lovelies, I had no way to tell you. And no, I do not own a smartphone. As one of the few, I still have my own, internet-free, build to be dropped piece of crap. So yeah.
BUT I'm back now. And what a time it is to be back.

In only two days - and since it's half past 11pm as I write these exact words, I don't think I can even call it a day. Wednesday, anyway, I am going to the clinical center for eating disorders, to have an interview with a consultant. I have no idea what that is about, and I am SO not prepared for it. Thursday, I have been set up to meet a psychologist. Tuesday next week, I have to meet her again, to conclude on whatever the fuck we have to talk about this Wednesday. I honestly have no idea. I am not well briefed enough at all.
And I'm scarred. I'm scarred as shit. I don't want to learn all about why I have my eating disorder, because 1) I already know, and 2) I don't want to get rid of it! Recovery does not work, if the "victim" is not willing to recover! And I am not. I am so, so not. I am a massive fat-ass, which you will find out when I this Wednesday start making my weekly weigh-ins once more. Of course, I will not make this update until after I come home from the interview, so I can tell you about that at the same time.

I have put on so much this holiday. It's fucking killing me. I hate myself so much, and I hate myself even more for not having the willpower to find my way back to loosing. 'Cause to be honest, purging never worked. It was just my solution to when I was bad, so I wouldn't put on even more. I don't even want to imagine where I would be, if I had not been purging so much these past 6 weeks.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is: I need to pull my fat ass together, go on a diet where I don't eat much, so I won't have to purge. That way, I can be honest at the center-thingy, and they'll think "Oh, she's all better", and I can go back to cutting, and crying, and starving. Or purging. Or whatever. My point being, I can go back to my comfort zone. It sucks to admit it, but I like being this miserable. This numb emptiness that embraces me at all times, even when I fake my smiles and make them all think the depression is gone, or show off my arms and pretend to no haven cut in months, when my thighs still hurts from the night before. The feeling of food, leaving my body, fat never getting settled. I like it. It's comforting for me. Because it's something I know. That's what it's been like for years. It's all I remember, other than filmy glimpses of a childhood so easy, so carefree, that I might as well have made it up.
I cling to my misery.
I don't want to feel all right.
I am not all right, and I'll never be.
So why should I want to put on a mask and fake that I am?

I'm thinking about ABC, just because I need some boundaries, some limits, and making them up myself is not working. Then it feels unofficial, and it's easier to break.
Oh, and I have not eaten meat for almost a month! I know, I know, wannabe-vegetarian. But seriously, I have started to feel like one. I hate meat. It's nothing but dead animals. Seriously, who can put a corpse in their mouth and not get sickened? So really. At last, I really, really AM a vegetarian. And proud of it!
Anyway. I could do ABC, SGD or The thinspo diet. That's probably all I'd be able to by now, and I know I probably wouldn't even last a week. But I seriously need to get something started, even if it's a deader from first day! I just have to have something going!
Only thing is, I have this huge party coming up September 1., where I'll have to eat. It's a two times 40th birthday, held by Lena, my grow-up friend. My bonus-mom, I call her. I can't go through that evening restricting. The food alone will get me over my limit, and the liquor! Oh, I'm gonna be so hammered I'll even forget about all of my problems! I seriously need it. It has been so long since last, and so much has happened lately. I just... I need that one night of no cares in the world. I really do.
Maybe I'll do it, and just push that day. I don't know, you can't really do that. But I kinda have to. And a diet where you cheat one day is better than no diet at all, isn't it?

So, to summarize: I need a diet, though I don't know which one, and I don't think I can do it. I'm going to a recovery center for eating disorders two times this week, to get help with not only my eating disorder, but also my cutting and my depression, though I don't want to lose any of it. And I start school next week. I never mentioned that, I just remembered. Sigh.

I think I'll just turn of the computer now and listen to some music on my iPod.

I love you girls. I never meant to leave you for so long without telling. Things just got in the way, and I'm really, really sorry, but hey, that's life. Not much I can do about it now :/
Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Good luck on Wednesday and we missed you. A lot. :)

  2. Good luck with the psychologist. It's gotta be torture not knowing what to say when you go in there. We've missed you. Welcome back!

  3. *Hugs*

    Cheat days stop you from going on massive binge-sprees and fucking up all the hard work you put in. I learned that the hard way :/

    Good luck at the doctors <3