Monday, July 9, 2012

Roskilde 2012, exams and an emotional breakdown.

So... It's been a long time since I last updated. I really have no excuse. I have just been so busy with my exams, and my appointment at the psychiatric department, and Roskilde Festival, that I actually ended up having an emotional breakdown. I just... My brain just switched off, and I just spend my time eating, and and crying, and surrounding myself with a lot of people so I wouldn't be alone, and starring into space. Not at lot of motivation to update. My weight jumped right back up to 82 kg/180,7 lbs at that point.

Then I went to Roskilde Festival, which I just got home from yesterday. And let me tell you, I knew it would be bad, since I have been eating a ton of crap, and not purging (you just don't want to on a festival. The toilets are those sewer cleaning toilets, and you do not want to put your head in that bin. But really, we walked around a lot, and I didn't expect it to be that bad. Stepping on the scale this morning, it read 85,1 kg/187,6 lbs. I have out on over 3 kg/6,6 lbs in ONE FUCKING WEEK, plus I've gone over the weight I swore I'd never ever go over again. That lasted for about a year, and one fucking festival week was all it took to ruin that.

So today is a fasting day. I have some diet coke left from the festival (also, I have an ass load of beer, but that's besides the point), and since I was kinda tired after the festival, I slept until it was past 12. I'm through half the day without eating, just by sleeping. So this should be fairly easy.
I mean, I have a hard time fasting. But this time, it'll be different. Seeing that high number just shocked me up. I know, mentally, that I can do it, I know that my body can make it. I know I've done way longer before, and succeeded just fine.
So today, it's diet coke and cigarettes only.

I went to that psychiatric meeting I had set up long time ago, remember?
Well. They were very nice, and very easy to talk to, and I really, really thought they understood what I was telling them. They asked all the right questions, and I was 100% honest with them.
At the begging of the meeting, they asked me what my main goal in coming there was, and I told them, truthfully, that all I wanted was to be rid of my depression. That the self harm and the eating disorder was definitely not a focus of mine. And what do they end up doing? They pass me along to the fucking eating disorder psychiatric department or something. I forgot the name. It doesn't really matter.
I just know, know, know that it will not help a thing. Because I am not ready to give up my eating disorder, or my self harm. When I told the doctor about it, it was to explain my depression, not to get "cured" for it. And now that's gonna be their main focus, and I'm gonna go through hell to end up not getting shit out of it, if not getting worse. I'm going to tell them this on my first appointment up there, I swear. I'm so frustrated at their decision. GARH!

Damn girls, I almost went out to get something to eat there, without thinking about it at all! I have gotten so used to eating, I don't think about it before I do. I really, really need to get out of this Mia thing, and find my way back to Ana. I have done nothing but gained since I found her, I have gotten weaker, and I'm destroying my body way more effectively now than ever before.
I hope this fast will spark that back up. My best friend have joined my gym, finally, and she's making sure I get going. She also helps me eating less, because she's had bulimia herself, and wants to make sure I don't binge and purge. And I guess even to my friends, it's preferable that I not eat, rather than eat and purge. So let's hope I'm finding my way back now :)

Girls, I promise, promise, promise I'll be back tomorrow with a new update. And the day after that. And after that.
I know you've probably all forgotten who I even am.
I deserve that.

But I will work hard to change that.
I will!

I love you girls so much. Don't you ever, ever forget that!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Good luck with everything. I understand completely what you're going through. All my weight loss has been completely destroyed by the discovery of bulimia. I wish I'd never started, I've gained back almost all the weight I lost initially.
    I'm sure you'll be able to get back on track in no time, good luck.

  2. I fucking HATE festival toilets! The last festival I went to only had three female toilets for over 400 people. . . They kept blocking up and NOBODY would bother to fill the buckets and unblock them. Got a yeast infection coz it was so nasty. Horrible.

    I'm also beating my head against the brick walls of useless doctors. Don't they realise that the SH and DE are ways of dealing with the UNDERLYING PROBLEM which is the fucking depression? IDIOTS, THE LOT OF THEM.

    Take care of yourself and please post again soon. I was worried about you!


  3. Oh wow, your friends seem like such a great help to you and I hope the gym goes well, which reminds me that I need to get my arse back to the gym. Yeh doctors dont listen.. maybe you need to play down the eating to them and play up the depression. Sometimes they address the wrong thing, I act like my ED doesnt exist to my doctor.. cos I know that doctors always make a big hoo ha out of it..

    Good Luck!
    Lots of Love
    - Rayya x

  4. Hey!
    I havent forgotten who you are, but I wondered if you remembered me, you used to follow me and leave me lovely comments under glitterinthewind when I was lola rose?

    please post lots and lots, we love you, keep us updated, we care xxx