My dad had to much wine again, of course. When I say of course, it is because that happens as an average at least twice a week, sometimes more, but never really less.
Anyway, after my grandparretns went home, my mom, dad and I just sat in the couch watching TV together, enjoying being home.
And then hell broke loose...
A commercial for a new program called "Extremly Fat" came on. It's about thoose gigantic people you see, thoose where you always think "how on earth can they do that to themself?" and their trying to loose weight. After the commercial ended, my dad looked at me and told me that I was now old enough for them to talk serious with me about my weight. He started telling me how worried he was, the fear that I was going to get diabetes and clots and yadda yadda yadda. My mom was quiet durring the whole talk. She hates confrontations.
He kept telling me all theese hurtfull things about how my boyfriend is bad for me because of his eating habbits, and that he feared that I in a couple of years wont be able to sit in an airplanechair, 'cause I've gotten to fat. Well, thanks a lot dad.
He said I couldn't go on eating like I do, that I couldn't be a vegetarian if all I ate was white bread a crisps. Oh dad, how I wish you knew. If he knew that I'd written down everything I ate durring that fucking vacation, how I'm always counting calories while eating, how often I fast and all thoose stuff, he'd be sorry.
He actually yold me that I had to get up some more, that I couldn't just sit in my room blogging all day - HA! If he knew what I am blogging about, he wouldn't feel the need to tell me thoose things.
I just hate when he acts like this. I spend 2 hours arguing with him, asking him if he didn't think I'd though about all thoose nasty things before? He said I waisted my life, that I didn't care for it. I told him if that was true, I would have put a gun to my head years ago.
He cried a little. I cried a lot.
He told me he was so afraid to loose me. He doesn't know he lost me years ago, when he started to see that I was not everything he thought I should be.
I ended up telling him that I didn't want his help, didn't want him to do anymore for my. That I wanted to do it my own way. Then he laughed.
I haven't eaten since that talk...
God I hate him!
It's not just something I'm saying 'cause I'm mad. I've known it for years.
I've just never been good enough for him. I never will be.
Woke up to 86,1 kg/189,8 lbs this morning. I should have been happy. But I was just sad it wasn't more.
God I'm in a terrible mood. Like, all I want to do is hide and be alone. And cut.
I don't want to see anybody. Everything annoys me.
Truth is, I just keep hearing all thoose things he said to me. And all the things he've said to me before.
Have I told you that once, he actually said to me he wouldn't ever realize it if I got pregnant? And then he wonders why I keep pushing him away, and putting up such a fight when he tries to help.
I don't want his help. I don't want anybody's help. i just want to do this by myself.
Haha, I sound like I'm just on the edge of suicide, like that depressed.
Well, I'm not. I'm actually pretty numb. I don't really care about anything today. All I can think about is thin. Thinthinthinthinthin.
Well, I'm gonna show him. I'm gonna show everybody
None of them believe it'll ever happen. Just wait and see.
Give me a year, maybe two. Give me ten! Eventually, it will happen. I just hope my dad will still be alive to see it then. If his drinking and smoking doesn't end him before then.
Damn. I'm so sorry for being so emo today. I don't want to bring anyone down. I just needed to get it out, to tell the only people who knows everything about me - you guys. And I do feel better now, really. I just needed to get some air, that's all.
Now, if you'll excuse me ladies, I'll go listen to some depressing ana music. Thank god for Youtube!
Until next time, stay strong pretties.
I hope I'll be in a better mood then.
I love you all so much more than I can say!
- Bella ♥