All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Actually, I haven't packed. I haven't even started packing yet. Just got in a load of fresh, clean clothes. Guess there's no excuse for not packing now :/
Oh wll, Now I started this, I have to finish it!

Normally, I would be sooo excited about going. I mean, it's tomorrow! It's the nicest hotel I've ever satyind in, and I get to bring the boyfriend. And halfway, I am excited about all this. But the other half of me... Keeps thinking about all the food down there, all the calories I'll eat, all the weight I'll gain. How there's no way not to. Damn!

I'm not anorexic. Or bulimic. Or anything else. I wouldn't even say I have an eating disorder. But then why am I so obsessed with food? I mean, I've been having small fast for over 3 years now, trying to loose weight fast. But it's not until recently that it has started to take so much overhand. Like, when I went to Turkey 2 years ago, I didn't obsess as much about my food (I weigh the same now as I did back then). I just ate whatever I wanted to, though I would feel bad afterwords. But now... I can't even look forward to this vacation, 2 weeks in a four stared hotel with my boyfriend and family.

It's in everything I do, everything I think about. I can't enjoy being with other people any more, not even my boyfriend! 'Cause either I'll eat, or otherwise I'll constantly think about fasting and hunger and such. And I'm not much fun to be around when either of thoose things happens.
Damn. I am disordered, ain't I?
Well, too late to stop it now anyway. I'm not going to change.



So, I have found the way to fast in a way your parrents will never know.
1) Stay up 'till 7 am, drinking sugarfree sodium drinks and watching a season of so TV show you love
2) Sleep 'till 4 pm.

I did that today(/yesterday), yes. Lol :)
Makes it so much easier not to eat. You wake up too late for breakfast or lunch. And when it's time for dinner, I'll just have something else to do. Then I can climbe into bed and watch some more TV about 10 pm. And done.

I'm planning on fasting until we're down there. Since I ate a lot of crap yesterday, I have gained for today (Actually , it was a 2-day-gain. Couldn't weight myself in the morning yesterday). So about 12 or 1 am I guess I stopped eating. Fasting from then, and then 'till we get there, about 8 or 9 pm tomorrow. I don't know if we'll go out for dinner then, when it's so late. Maybe. If not, I'll continue the fast until next morning :)
If we are going out, something very light for me. Maybe I could just order a starter for dinner? Or some salad. Oh, I'd love if they had a salad buffet! Haha, now I'm starting to get excited. By planning my fast and my meals. Jesus I'm fucked...

God, I'm sooo gonna miss you all so much!
Now I'm sad, thinking about the 2 weeks I won't be able to update.
I'll definetly look for internet cafes down there. And then I'll punk my parrents for money for it.
I so hope I get to go on, just once or twice a week. To let you know I'm still breathing of course, but mostly because you're the reason I get through my days. Reading all of your blogs inspires me to keep on going, and if I don't have that... Well, I guess we'll find out now.
*Sigh*

Now lovelies, I gotta go pack.
I love you all lovelies. Stay strong!
I'll leave you with the famous words of John Denver.

I'm leaving on a Jet Plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

- Bella ♥