Binging and purging-mode

On.

Yeah, yesterday was a binging day. Almost without purging, since I never stopped eating long enough to purge. So. Fucking. Fat!

So I went on the scales this morning, in an attempt to scare myself to stop. And it was very much lower than I had even dreamed. This is good, right? No. No, 'cause today I have been eating like a pig, purging after everything I eat of course. Seriously, I have already ourged 4 times today, and I still have 2 pieces of pizza and a lot of candy bars left. I purge every half hour, 'cause longer, I won't make myself walk around with food in my stomac. I'm scarred it'll be too late if I wait any more. Plus, if I eat something I haven't tried purging before, I go do it as well. I need to know what I can purge and what I can't. I though crisps would be really, really easy, right? No. Crisps and chocolate are very hard to get up if it's something that I've eaten alone. Fluids and firm foods. So I'm eating pizza and chocolate, purging, eating more pizza and chocolate, purging some more. I know it's bad, and I promise, I'll try to not purge as much. But as long as I'm in this binging mode, I need to be able to purge. I will gain all that weight back! That's why I discovered purging from the beginnig.

So, the upcoming week, I will try and go on a resticted diet, with no purging allowed. I really need to lose this habbit, 'cause I seriously purge 2-3 times a day. A month after purging first time. It is highly addicting to me. Being able to eat if I get hungry, and whatever I want... I honestly don't think I'll be able to give it up again. I have already lost so much weight just by purging every time I eat more than I should! And there is nothing I want more than losing weight...

Lately I have noticed hwo everything in my life is centering around my eating disorder. At first, I was capeable of ignoring it when I knew I had to. I could think of other things in school, and I could hide it away inside me. The only time I would ever notice it was when it was eating time. But now, I can't focus in school because I spend all day on Blogger, searching thinspo, or something else ED-related. Every book I read, every movie I see automaticly because 10 times better if I find out there's an eating disordered character in it. I even watch series and movies just because som bi-role in it has an eating disorder. And music...

Music used to be my whole world. I would listen to it all the time. It was my way of coping. There was a song for every mood, every single emotion. Now, the only music I listen to is ED-related music. Songs about anorexia, bulimia, SI (I SI too, so that one goes anyway), about not being good enough, about fighting an endless fight. I don't go by genre any more. I go by how ED it is. My - fucking - music!

This eating disorder had totally taken over my life. But no matter how much I hate that fact, no matter how much I miss how much easier life once were... I can't give up my eating disorder. Never. It will really be with my until I die, and that even if it isn't the eating disorder that kills me.

I don't want to die. But I can't be fat any more. I must be thin. Skinny. Bony.

Just purged the last pizza. I'm thinking about eating a candy bar without purging it. They're 235 each, and filled with sugar and other deliciousness. I though that I'd eat that and skip dinner, just so that I have something to go on, you know? I don't know. It's chocolate...

I really need to stop purging. My throat is burning.

Okay, so tomorrow, fruit and chocolate only. i don't know why the chocolate, but of course, I won't eat more than 500 worth of chocolate. I will not be counting the calories in the fruit. That'll just stress me out. And then I'll just end up purging. And that's exacly what I'm trying not to do...

 Okay, I'm pretty much just repeating myself by now, so I'll just go play some Monster World on Facebook instead.

Until next time, take care lovelies!
I love you all so much!
Even if I don't comment all that much. I really am sorry about that. I just find it hard to find the time, so sometimes I choose to update instead of commenting. But I do read, I promise! Never doubt that!

I love you...

Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Gaining power every hour, one more pound, I know I can win.

So, yesterday was a disaster. I had an apple and 3 rice crackers for lunch, then 3 ricecrackers more as a snack. One sausage roll that I purged. The 3 that I almost didn't purge. I tried, but I was at work. How fucked up am I? I actually purge up by the counter when there wasn't any costumers. If my work knew this, they would fire me!

Anyway, then had some duck, potatoes, potato chips and some sauce for dinner - my dad's birthdaydinner. Purged the dinner. Then ate a Corny bar because I got stressed when my grandparrents called and asked my parrents to come over because they'd had a break-in while at our house to celebrate my dad. Tried purging, but almost didn't get anything out. After that, my throat was burning so bad. I think some of my stomac acid came up and decided to stay in my throat. It was so bad.

When I got up and on the scales, I had gained. And that's it. Purging is okay, as long as I still lose weight. But now that I am gaining, I need to do some serious restricting. So I'm fasting today. And there's no way I'll break it. Binging and purging will not be tolerated. There is no other option. Starving, it is.

Random memory: I remember in 5th grade, we were having a project week. The main topic was "this is wrong", and my subtopic was suicide- which also gave me a lot of dark thoughts, but that's not what this memory is about. No, I remember that 3 other girls had chosen eating disorders as their subtopic. One day, one of them read out to me something from a book she had, that was a collection of food diaries from anorexics. It was like, morning, 1 bun. Lunch, 1 pear. Dinner, 1 beer. Fasting the next day. And I was like "oh, I could totally do that too!". She didn't believe me. Then durring her presentation, she showed us all this picture of an anorexic model, and we were all, including me, like "oh eeeew! That is so ugly!".

Just found the picture on google, and I can't see anything but beauty. But it's the same picture, and I know that I once believe that that was so fucking ugly, and that I couldn't even begin to imagine what drove women to do that! Am I the only one who has ever experienced something like this? I am so puzzled at this realization.

This picture! It was this picture!

Ever since I first got eating disordered, I have had this dream.

You see, in my eyes, anorexics are glamorous. They are untouchable to be. I can never reach them. They're like movie stars. I know they exist, but I'll never be able to see them in real life. I'll never be able to talk to them, touch them, be them. So of course, I have always wanted to be one myself. But now that I have discovered purging, I am getting more and more bulimic. I have never even thought about bulimics like that, and I have never ever dreamt of being one myself. They have always been second to anorexics. Anorexics have self-controle, they can go for days without eating, weeks and months without gaining. Bulimics... They're out of controle. That's why they have to purge. Because they can't controle themselfs. They eat and eat, and then try to undo the damage after it has been done. Anorexics doesn't have to. They wont do the damage from the begining. Can you understand why anorexic sounds more atracting than bulimic to me?

Now, what do I do with all theese thoughts? What's my conclusion, since I just spend loads of time on writing all that crap here? I don't know. I just felt like sharing. I guess the truth is just that I really really wish to be anorexic, but I'm a weak one, so instead I'm mostly either bulimic or just binging without purging. Forever second, third, fourth, 1000 miles from what I really want, what I'm striving to be. Forever failure.

Thanks for all the advice on my last post girls. I really appreciate it, and be sure that I will try them all! I can't believe I have 107 followers, all willing to read all this meaningless crap that I post, give me advice, give me comfort. Someone who will never judge me, no matter how wrong I do. I have never though of myself as an inspirering person, and specially not in the eating disorder community, because of my huge weight and fat procent. I never thought I'd be one of those popular bloggers with a three-digit number of followers. I never expected just one, to be honest. I will never give you up girls. Never! I promise!

Fighting for the smallest goal to, gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes? 

 

Lots of love.

- Bella ♥

Weekly-weigh in + Busy busy busy

CW: 84,6 kg/186,5 lbs (BMI 30,3)

Loss: 2,0 kg/4,4 lbs

GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

 

So, that ED girl from my class just went craaaaazy when I told her I hadn't even made my blog-entry yet. So I thought I'd better do it. Plus, it's 9.15pm and I haven't told you about my weight-loss yet. 

I am so happy that I have finaly found a way that works. I don't care about how I do it, how dangerous it as and all that crap. Seriously, stop the hypocriting (is that a word?). You girls probably all say that you will do whatever it takes to get skinny too, right? So no judging, ay?

So, Today have been a busy busy busy day. Got up at 8.30am (laaazy), went to work at 10am, got of 4pm, was home 4.30pm, gym 5pm, home again 6.45pm and have been baking cookies until 9.15pm. I teel you girls, baking 90 cookies when you can only have 12 in the oven is REALLY a long process! Like, I have spend 2½ hour baking cookies that I am not going to eat myself?! Luckily, I have some awesome friends, and two of them stopped by to keep me company until 8 :)

Today ahs been a good day. Ate nothing for breakfast, 2 rice-crackers with cheese (38 each) for lunch. Then ate 4 bites of pork roast, some crisps and some hard drops. Purged that in the sink of the lunch-room at my work, then realized that when you purge, the food isn't digested yet. Therefore, I had to stand there and remove my own vomit from the sink and into the trashcan. Yay me for being so smart, huh? Well, had 3 more rice crackers with cheese when I got home (38 each - still) and 1 cookie (200). Then had 2 spring rolls that I purged, simply because it was a whole meal, and I don't like the thought of having eaten a whole meal. So I don't know how bad it is, but it can't be too bad, right?

I have found a new game on Facebook that I am becoming addicted to. Monster World, anybody? Some of the monsters are sooo cute (of course, min had to be the ugliest posible, and it costs real money to change the look ._.), and the plants are sooo cool! It's like, diamond, and candycanes, and lemonade bottle, and magic lamps and stuff! I'm totally feeling at home in that world, lol!

Yesterday, I realized something that made me real upset. First, a background story: as you may have noticed, I dye my hair a lot. I have been dyeing - dying (?) it regularly since I was 14. That meaning, for 3 years I have dyed it at least once a month, but the last 2 years, it has more been like, two times a month. Which means that, even with all the hair-care products I use, my hair is pretty worn out. The yesterday, when I was down at the scouts, we were making theese bookmarks (dried flowers in laminate), and the kids kept removing some long black hairs from the cases. One of them stood up and looked me in the heair, and told me that I was getting bald. I am not, but me real haircolor is light blond, so when you dye it black, the out-growing can be spotted pretty quick, and I look almost bald when they get long. I told the kid this, and they were just like, "okay, cool". Then when I got home, I sat in the living room with my parrents. My dad went out into the kitchen to get something to drink, and when he got back, he stood behind me and played with my hair, suddenly exclaiming: "maybe you should take a break from all the hair-dying. You're hair has gotten really really thin!".

I know that for most eating disorder - at least those who are as fucked as me - get this problem because of the lack of nutrition. But seriously girls, I really really don't wanna be bald at the age of 20!!! Do you girls have any advice on what I can do? I already spend tons of hair-care products and expensive shampoos that should make it heal. I was thinking more about, do you know which vitamins and minerals are important for the hair? I believe it's the same as the nails, which would be calcium, right? But I honestly don't know! Advise guys, please! :(

There was something else I wanted to tell you... Something I needed advise on too, I think. But I really, really canøt remember!
Let me gues - it will come to me as soon as I have posted this, right?

Let's try it!

I love you guys so much. But I tell you that every time.

I still mean it, none-the-less.

I really do love you. Like, true love. Deep emotional love, comming all the way from my stomac.

You aer so wonderful :)

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Can you hear me? Fly! Butterfly, say bye-bye.

Don't ask me why, I don't know. I was just thinking about butterflies!

I am doing good at the moment girls. I'm actually losing. I have tried out so many diets, and every time they have worked out the same - small or no loss at all, then gaining afterwards. But now, now girls, it's working! I'm not following a diet. I don't even make plans for the tomorrow, the today, not even for the next meal. I eat when I feel like I can't starve any more, and I puge if I eat something that I know will make me gain. It's so simple. I can't believe I didn't do this from the start. Imagine what I could weigh by now then? What I will weigh in one month, six months, one year? I'm so startled at the thought. I can't wait to see!

I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. Though I better warnn you, my post will be later than usually 'cause it's OD-day. It's this day that is once a year, where every gymnasium-student (it's like the two last years in high-school and first year at college I think?) gets a choice: you can get one day of school without absence, or you can spend 5 hours working and donate the money to a good cause. The cause changes every year, and this year it's Peru. It's like, they have a lot of small, poor villages lying spread in the jungle, the originals in Peru. Their water are poisened 'cause of factories laying near-by, but they are so poor, they have no other opportunity than drinking the poisened water and work for the same factories that poisened their water. It's so surealistic. I can't even start to imagine living like that.

As you may already have concluded from my little speach, I'm working for Peru. Good thing is, I won't be able to eat durring the 6 hours I'm actually due at work. Bad thing is, I will be updating late, since I have no acces to a computer. But I will update!

I'm sooo hungry! But I have promised myself I won't waste my money on food there at the school, when I can be home in a few hours and have something completely for free! I already bought an apple here, and it wasn't even good. Total waste of money. So I guess I'll just have to hang in a bit longer.

Also, I have found myeslf to purge even if I eat beneath the 800 calorie limit I made myself. So now I have decided that, same as all those diets, I just doesn't work good with plans. So I won't plan it. If I feel like purging whatever I just ate, I'll do it. There'll probably be a reason why I want to purge it, right?

It's over with me and rules. From now on, I'll do whatever the fuck I want to. It's clearly working, and has been for over a week (a week is a long time for me to follow same diet/plan), so why not?

Went to the gym yesterday, but was feeling real lazy, and at the same time, I was really busy, so I ended up doing 10 minuts on the exercise bike and 10 minuts on the treadmill, then just tonning for the rest. Sigh. Scouts tonigh, gym again tomorrow (after work) and Thursday. Work Friday and Sunday. Oh God, it's only Tuesday, and I feel like I've already spend my whole week. How did I get that busy? And if you notice girls, homework aren't even included in that. That's because I never make them. I'm so never going to graduate. I can't even bother. Can't think of anything but skinny-skinny-skinny-skinny-skinny. Double sigh.

Damn I'm hungry!
Maybe I'll end up spending the money anyway.

I have gotten so weak after starting to purge.

So hungry all the time.

Non-resticting.

Oh, and another birthday in my class = more cake.

But I won't fucking eat that shit.

No thanks.

I don't even feeli like it?

Hmm...

Well, for now, take care of yourself all my lovely butterflies.

I love you all so much!

Love-love-love-love-love-love...

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? Your insecurities try to alter you. You know you're made for more!

Britt Nicole has been taking over every playlist on my computer, Youtube, my Ipod, everywhere! I have fallen in love with how inspering her songs always are, so full of hope. Seriously, it is in every song she has made! Sad, happy, funny, every single one of her songs is about finding hope. Wether it's in God, in yourself or in humanity doesn't matter. It just hits me straight in the heart.

I like the thought that there is always some sort of hope. That no matter how dark things look, somewhere, there's a reason to keep on going, keep believing that life is worth living. I always try to look on the bright side of everything. But as every day goes by, I find that my eating disorder takes over more and more, and pushes everything else out of my head. As each day goes by, I find myself having a little bit harder believing that everything will be alright eventually.

That's why it's so reasuring for me to listen to this kind of music. It gets a tiny bit easier to believe every time I listen to her songs. I want to believe.

My weekend has been weird. Friday and first part of Saturday was very much stressing, but at the same time, that was the best part of my weekend. Went straight to work from school, and then straight down to the scouts hut (there was a sleep-over down by the hut for the small ones that I'm leader for. I had totally forgot!). Got less that 4 hours of sleep that night, and then it was up and start over. Do you guys have any idea how much energy kids have? It's horrible!

Anyway. When I got home Saturday, I took a shower and got ready for the party that I went to the same night. Yesterday night. But honestly, I just didn't feel like it. I had lots of booze, but none of the stuff that I wanted, and I was very drained after the sleep-over, and most of the people at the party, I didn't really like. I went home with Nicolaj when it was 1am, 'cause I seriously was so bored I was falling asleep.

Then, at Nicolaj's place, we just got in the bed and got ready to sleep, and all of the sudden, he totally breaks down. He kept telling me how much he misses the old me, how much I've changed lately. The eating disorder again... After that, we had make up sex. Except he couldn't. This doesn't happen to him a lot, but it happens. And every single time, I can't help but thinking that it's because of me, that he's so bothered with how fat and unatrractive I am that he can't even get it up. (Sorry if this is tmi, I just really needed to get this of my chest).

So today, I just stayed home with my mom. We watched some TV and I made chocolate chip cookies. This is big for me girls, I never ever bake, and when I do, it's the sort of stuff where you just have to add water and bake it. But I made theese from scratch (not that hard), nearly burned the first batch, then made some more. They got so much bigger than I had imagined. Seriously, they're huge! They got pretty good. I did have one that I purged again afterwards though.

Oh, by the way, I didn't eat the cake! I said yes to have it because my friend asked me to, and then I gave her my pieces, though that cake looked sooo good. I mean, there's always a lot of cake going around in my class, but this one looked absolutely amazing. But I gave it away. I think I'm getting better.
Eating wise, my weekend has been alright. I don't know.
I have stopped craving bad things. I don't want crisps, or chocolate, or candy, or cake anymore. But I'm so hungry all the time, I keep eating! I only eat salad, soup and whole lot of bread (salad and soup, good. Bread, bad). And when I go over my allowed limit, I purge. I wouldn't say I'm binging. I'm just eating 4 times a day or so. I have totally lost my willpower! It's so so bad! I can't seem to find it, no matter how hard I try. The last 3 weeks or so have been like that, ever since I realized how to purge. I started eating after finding out, and then when I wanted to go back to resticting, my willpower had dissapeared. In such a short amount of time!
I have no idea what to do. I'm so lost. I have tried fasting every single day for the last week, and every day I have ended up eating so much I had to purge it. WHERE IS MY FUCKING WILLPOWER? I WANT IT BAAACK!!!!!!! :'(

I'm so tired of being weak. I wish I could fast tomorrow, but seriously, I had dinner 1½ hour ago, and I'm already starving again. What the fuck happend?
I just have to slowly fight my way back. I can't make it happen from day to day. I think I'll make a calorie limit for tomorrow sounding 500. It's been too long since I counted my calories. I will tomorrow. And I will write them in here, I will update if I eat after I have already posted, and to make sure I won't go over limit, purging will not be allowed tomorrow. I have to find Ana, and I have to find her soon, 'cause I'm so sick of being stuck in this fat, fat body. I seriously need to lose some weight, and I need to do it fast!

Oh, and gym tomorrow. Haven't been since Wednesday. I'm actually missing it. Me, missing gym?! Now I know for sure that my eating disorder have eveloped! Haha :)

Dearest girls.
I will be leaving you now.
Thank you so much for the wonderful comments you left me Sam, Ell and Thin Thoughts. It means so much to me. I love you all so much :)
I love all of you!
Jeg elsker jer! <3
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
Sending you lots of love!
- Bella ♥

It's FRIDAY, FRIDAY!

Feeling a bit Rebecca Black today...

Of course, I know I'm going to fail again some time. Of course, I know that I can't change just like that. I was just so sick and tired of being so weak last time I wrote you girls.

I am so much more greatful for all your wonderful comments than I would ever be able to tell you. Really, they mean the world to me. The first time I logged onto Blogger after the last post, and saw all the support, the kind words, the assurance that I can still be a good person... That I'm only human... You girls really made me cry. And Ell even mae me chuggle a bit, which I did not think I was capabel to at that time. Thank you so much lovelies! You are all so wonderful!

So, the two last days have both been good and bad. Both Wednesday and Thursday, I binged an purged. But the only thing I ate both those days were those binges, and since I got most of it out, I have managed to lose a bit weight, despite the binging.

Next week, I'll be doing Russian Gymnast Diet with the girl from my class I told you about. It'll only be 7 days, so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick to it. Fruit and I are best friends, so that shouldn't be very hard. (If anyone care to join, feel welcome, though I know that most of you don't like/believe in that diet.)

After that... Who knows? I will not try SGD or ABC until I have gotten better at restricting. The next month or more will be all about cutting down on the food, and doing so without binging all the time the way I do now.

I didn't go to the gym yesterday, as I had planned. There's really no excuse, I was just too lazy. So of course, today I feel like shit. I'm eating fruit while in school today, and then at work, I hope I'll be able to find some sort of müslibar or so that I can have for dinner. If not, then it's Cola Zero only, and then some soup when I get home. Honestly girls, I'm in a dangerous mood. In the I-don't-give-a-shit-I-don't-want-to-think-about-this-mood. I need to keep focused all the time, 'cause if I don't, I eat. I just can't be bothered with all this shit. I have no spare-time what-so ever at the moment, with school, gym, work and scouts, and the bit I do have, I spend with Nicolaj, either fighting or making up (which includes being all cuddly and stuff, and having sex). After I found out I can purge, I have just been like "well, if I do binge, at least I can just purge". I don't believe I'm turning bulimic, but the though of resticting is just very unappealing when this stressed.

Oh, and a girl in my class is having birthday, so of course, she's brought cake. Seriously, I don't believe I'll be able to say no to a piece. She has planned that we all eat it in the last class today. Friday, last class, right before work. How the fuck am I to say no to that? I'm just to fat and weak right now.

No, I am not. I will not eat the damn cake! I am not weak. I will not be.

The end.

Dearest girls,

I always suck at ending my posts.

So today, I'm gonna do it like this.

More sucking.

I love you girls.

So, so much!

Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + This is clearly not working out...

CW: 86,6 kg/190,9 lbs (BMI 31,0)

Loss: +0,2 kg/0,4 lbs

GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

Yeah, so I pretty much dumped the ABC. And my fast monday and yestday went down the drain when I Monday chose to eat 2 pieces of rye-bread and 1 piece of whole-wheat toast with some creme cheese, some normal cheese, and some chocolate on it. Then half a tenderloin marrinated in BBQ. Tuesday, it was nachos and a donner-kebab (beside my lunch - 2 pieces of rye-bread - but that was hours earlier). Purged both days. Fuck me

Went to the gym Monday, scouts yesterday. Gym today, before going to work. I'm planning on buying a salad for lunch, consisting of chicken, salad, a tiny bit of pasta, and some curry dressing. And that'll be it for today.

I've given myself a mission. One week without binging (and therefore, no purging either). I can have one meal a day - a healthy meal, of course, like salad - and I can choose for myself what meal that will be. That way, I will make sure that I stay beneath 800 every day, since there's no way I can eat that much in one meal.

I am really really pissed that I have gained since last weigh-in. This is the last time I have ever done that. From now on i will only lose. In one year, I will be only a shadow of what I am now. I will be, alright not skinny, but thinner. Normal. Better.

I have a plan. From now on, whenever I binge, no matter where I am, always always purging until I'm sure I can't get any more up. Where I am doesn't matter. And no eating. I don't really care if my family finds out any more. I just want to stop eating so fucking much, I want to stop making excuses. It's time I recognize my eating disorder. I'm so sick of being EDNOS, not knowing what I'll do tomorrow, today, in one hour even! I want to stop eating, so I can be a true Ana girl, along with so many of you other beautiful girls. I have made my choice. It is too late for me to get out now, so I might as well put a term on what I am and what I'm not.

I am not addicted to my food. I am not weak. I am not a failure. I am an eating disordered, weight-obsessed, non-carring bitch. From now on, girls. Never again will I tell you about my failures. 'Cause there will be non.

I embrace the hunger, the pain, the emptiness. Death. If I can't be beautiful, I don't want to live.

Now, onto something completely else.

How many of you girls smoke?
Is it true that smoking surpresses your appetite? Take away some of the hunger?

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm currious what it is like, but at the same time, I'm terrified to ruin my being able to say" I've never smoked" forever. It's like sex. Once you've done it, you can never go back.

Girls, did I ever tell you about my summer 2009?

I had been together with Nicolaj for a year, and I loved him very much. At that point, I was sure he was the one I was going to be with forever. We had both lost our viginity to each other half a year before the summer. At that point, I was about 85 kg/187,4 lbs. I'd gained almost 10 kg/22 lbs since we'd become a couple, so I was pretty depressed at that point, and already then, I was trying to avoid eating as much as posible. I never got compliments, I was never told anything by Nicolaj to cheer me up and give me a bit more confidence.

Well, me and my family were on holiday in Tyrkey for 2 weeks, just like I was i Bulgaria this year. Nicolaj wasn't with us or course, since we'd only been together for 1 year.

We lived in bungalows, in a family area. There was a small pool, and a bar with only one bartender. There was a bigger pool and bar by the real hotel, but we stayed in family area. There were at least 5 or 6 kids my age, and I was talking to all of them, plus their siblings, who all loved me. Seriously, it was the best vacation I've ever been on. I enjoyed every minut of being there.

On the third day or so, the bartender at the bar, Ata, came over and splashed water at me while I was tanning. Of course, that led to a huge water-fight between all the kids by the pool at the time, and we were all having great fun. Every day, he would play with all us children, the teens as well as the kids. Everyone loved him, including me. Why wouldn't I, he was fun?

After being there a week, we started talking. I'd sit in the bar to get out of the sun, just listening to the radio, and he'd some over and talk to me. He asked me about me, about home, about Nicolaj, my siblings, my parrents. We'd talk about music and movies, cultures and languages. After a couple of more days, he started to tell me, in a kidding kind of way, that I should just forget about Nicolaj, 'cause he was at home and didn't know what I was doing there. He kept telling me that I wasa beautiful, that he wanted me to kiss him.

One evening, we were alone in the bar, sitting and just talking as always, and suddenly, he leaned over and just kissed me, wihtout a warning. I didn't kiss him back, but I didn't push him away either. After that, he apologized, got on his motor-cycle and left. I was left alone, stunned and confused.

The next day, I wasn't at the hotel at all, but on a jeep-trip. When we got back, it was back to water fight and pretending that nothing happend. But that night, I was at the bar with my dad and some of the other teens, and my dad bought me 3 beers, all 0,5l. So I got a bit drunk, and when Ata started to hit on me again, I just accepted it and flirted back.

The rest of the time went like that, we kissed a lot, touched a bit. He kept telling me how beauiful I was, how much he wanted me. Then the last night, he seemed distant, like he didn't want to talk to me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said that I didn't want him. I was only 15, and didn't quite get what he was saying. I yold him that I did want him, because I was thinking about how bad I wanted on last kiss. But he misunderstood.

He took me to the back of the bar, in a room that can lock. He pulled down my pants imideatly, turned me around, and... The rest, you can guess. I didn't struggle. I was so scared. He was 23, way stronger than me, and I got the feeling that if I said no, he would just rape me. So I didn't say anything. I was so, so painful, and I cried durring the sex, soundless.

We said goodbye the same evening, and I never saw him again.

I told Nicolaj as soon as we got home. And he didn't dump me. He hated me and cursed me far away. But he stayed with me that night, and the next day, I told me the whole story. He realized, slowly, that I really hadn't wanted to do it. He accepted it. I can't believe how lucky I was, every other guy in the world would have dumped me imideatly! But he stayed with me, and in the end, our relationship just got so much stronger. We have been through so much, we can pretty much overcome every obsticle by now. But I will never ever forget myself for what I did to him. I will never forget, and I will never think about it in a good way.

People say that cheaters aren't sorry they did it, or they wouldn't have. But I truly regret it, with every particle in my huge body. There is nothing I'm more sorry about than that time.

Wow, that was so unplanned...

So, now you know another of my deepest secrets.

You know what a cheating kind of pig I am.

I understand if you're disgusted with me.

I am.

I love you all.

And I won't blame any of you if you leave me now.

But know that you all mean so much to me, in a way I never thought posible.

So much love...

Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful.

- Bella ♥