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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + I'm back bitches!

CW: 78,4 kg/172,8 lbs (BMI 28,1)
Loss: 1,7 kg/3,7 lbs (in 3 weeks)
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
Yes ladies, I am back. I've had a break now, I've thought about all this real hard, and I have concluded that I can't quit it. I can't seek help, even though I have admitted to myself that I need it. My ED and cutting just means more than my health at the moment, my psyche is just not strong enough.
I decided to check out the opportunities, though. So today, I made a promise to myself: if Nicolaj passed his drivers test, I'd contact out school psychologist. He passed (which is a lot harder in Denmark. You have to be 18, it costs a fortune, and they're very strict. The failing statistics are, like, 40%). So I sent her a text message, saying I had these problems, and they affected my ability to focus on school, that I'd like to talk to her, and that I wasn't sure if she could help me, but I'd check it out.


Lately have been pretty good. Yeah, I have been purging, and yeah, I have been cutting. But I've felt a lot less suicidal, and seeing my weight drop made me regain confidence in myself. I'm happy, most times. Of course, I still hurt all the time. But that's the way it's been for the past 4 years, so that's nothing worry about.


I hope I haven't lost all of your love and support in leaving you for so long, focusing on myself, not reading or commenting your blogs. I hope some of you are still out there. I hope you believe me when I say, it's better now. I will get better. I will be reading again, commenting again, posting again.
I can't be away from Blogger for very long. I have been on every day, just reading old comments, looking at my blog's status and stuff. I'm addicted. And I don't want to get out of it.


My eating habits have been really fucked up lately. I have craved things that I have never craved before. Yesterday, I bought a jar of peanut butter, first time ever. Ever. Then I bought a lot of chocolate chip cookies, opened the jar, and dipped the cookies in the peanut butter. What the fuck?
It was all I ate yesterday. 1 role of cookies (150), and around 100 g. of peanut butter (510). Oh, and some yogurt with all bran for breakfast (146), some candy (150), and a pita döner kebab (500, probably more). I purged everything except the yogurt. And the last 5 cookies with peanut butter. I don't really know anymore.

Todays breakfast was melon, and the lunch will be salad. I'm afraid I'll jump on the bag of crisps I have at home, but at least I'll be with Nicolaj then, and I hope he'll try and stop me. Plus, I really, really need to go to the gym today! After having gotten an exercise bike at home (fuck yeah!), it has become far to easy to say "I'll just do it when I get home", then come home, and not wanting to do it.
So, gym after school. Then maybe, just maybe, Nicolaj will come and pick me up. If he can reach it. Otherwise, I'll take the bus as usual. When at home, I will probably eat something, 'cause my appetite has become huge. I mean, yesterday was for me a day where I ate little.  It's that crazy.
Right now, I'm sucking on sugar free drops. Arctic lemon. Real yummy stuff.

Hopefully, returning to the blog will help me get stronger. You girls are such a huge inspiration, and in letting me know that you are there for me, I develop this feeling that I must tell you something positive; that if not, I'm letting you down. I wont let that happen anymore. It's all I seem to do, and I'm sick of it.

I'm making a promise to myself now. Not to you, since I told you not to trust me. To myself. And you are all my witnesses. I swear to be honest from now on. To you, to the psychologist, and to myself. No more lies, no more hiding the truth from myself because it's too shameful to admit. No more. No.


For now lovelies, I don't know when I'll be back, but hopefully, very soon.
I love you all.
I though about you every single day while I was gone. I still do.
I have a never ending love for you.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

4 comments:

  1. I wasn't sure what to say as a comment, but I just want you to know that I might not be te most avid commenter but I'll be reading and supporting you the whole way. Even if I can be silent. Good luck and stay strong, you have many people to support you :) x

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  2. I am so proud of you that you contacted the psychologist! Really! That's great!
    I hope you find the best way to yourself. to a healthy and confident self.

    You have lost so many weight! This is a reason why you can be really really proud of you!

    hope to read more from you

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  3. fucking. sexy. bitchy. whore!! <3 omg. how did you drop so much?! that's 19. gorgeous. pounds. another pound and then you'd touch the 20 mark! gorgeous.
    i've also talked to someone. but we haven't mentioned it again. we know how this is for both of us.
    awe, baby. you live your life for you. not for us! but we want to see as much of you, because we're greedy bitches anyway- ow, ow, ow, my stomach. and COLDPLAY. the excitement is making my stomach hurt. fuck.
    the way my stomach hurts make me almost vomit at the peanut butter bit. but dammit, that sounds delicious. i'm craving brownies and peanut butter. and fudge. and fuck. i should shut up now.
    mmm. melon for brekkie. the stomachache wants to make me throw up. this sickness sucks ass. because so far, i've only had one meal, which is like...not a full pasty, and i am gonna ralph. or throw myself in the bathroom. gaaaaaaaah.
    and that promise is beautiful. you deserve it, love. <3
    hopefully we do see you soon. i miss you like HELL.
    and that comment made my heart swoon.
    now.
    i'd binge and purge on PB and cookies with you any day (lies, just not today). <3
    -Sam Lupin
    PS. OMG I JUST REALISED HOW ORGASMIC PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM AND COOKIES SOUND LIKE RIGHT NOW. i need to B/P one that once in my life.

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  4. Oh my god...amazing loss. Congrats girl! That is so inspiring!!
    I'm glad you contacted the psychologist! I'm sure it will do you good.
    I know what you mean about not wanting to get rid of your ED and cutting...I feel the same way about cutting. I'm not supposed to do it..I know it's bad, yet if I were to stop, I'd feel very lost and get even more depressed than I am.
    I've missed you!!..I know this comment is all over I'm just glad to hear from you!! :)
    hahahah I love the last picture..I'm saving that, because, oh my god it's so true..

    You should try oreo's and peanut butter...YUMMMY! I have to fight the urge not to get oreo's though..or I'd eat the whole package..

    I'm glad he passed the test :)

    I love you and I can't wait to read more, darling! :)

    ReplyDelete