Monday, January 9, 2012

Going up

Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down,
Like the needle in my vain you're bringing me down, down, down,
Like a dog who's gone insane you're putting me down, down, down,
And those of you who doubted me you're going down, down, down,
And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on?

I'm coming up!

And this world ain't gonna catch me going down!

Like the booze in my belly I'm going down, down, down,

And the twenty bucks in the alley I'm going down
, down, down,
Like the tram that leaves your valley I'm going down, down, down,
For my ma who always honored me I'm going down, down, down,
For my pa who never wanted me can you feel what's going on?

I know it's cheesy, using the lyrics from a movie like Get Him To The Greek. But already the first time I saw that movie, this song spoke to me, it really spoke to me! The lyrics are just perfect for me - except maybe the part about the record man, but it felt weird cutting it out right in the middle of the lyrics.
I like the melody as well. I love the song. It's a shame that he continues on singing about breast-feeding. It kinda ruins the part where I feel united with the song.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing lately. Everything has just been crap, and I have been to embarrassed to admit that I failed on the second day of ABC. Plus, I felt like, if I just waited until something better came up, it would be easier telling you. Not that anything has come up, but I realized that this is, after all, my blog, and I can write whatever the fuck I want to!
So what if I failed? It's not like I haven't done it before, and it's not like it's not going to happen again. If I keep spending time on regretting my past, I will not have the time and energy to make the best out of the present, making my way onto the future. I need to keep working. Yesterday is done and over with, and crying won't bring it back for me to change the bad decisions I made.
So here I am, back on my horse, and trying again.

I have gained, I am so fucking fat, I don't deserve to live...
It's hard staying strong when all you want to do is die. All you do is fail.

I'm fasting with my ED buddy. She's aiming for a whole week. She's crazy. I can't go for that long without eating, and I'm not even going to attempt it. It'll just end up bad, I'll find my way tot he hospital or something. No, my plan is to simple go as long without food as possible. I must at least make my record, which is 50 hours. I'm currently, at 10am, on hour 12. I know that it's kinda cheating, counting the hours after dinner with it, but it just makes it easier for me, knowing how many hours I have gone without eating. And really, I haven't eaten since 10pm.
So, water fasting for at least 50 - 12 hours more. And when I say water, I mean water only. No diet sodas, no juice, no nothing. Normally, I allow every calorie-free drink, but when my ED buddy told me she's fasting for a week on water only, I felt really weak. So, to prove not only to her, to you, but also to myself that I am not the weak wreck I have been looking like lately, I am water-only fasting for days.
I will make it this time. I will not have reason to look back and cry anymore.

I don't know what I should tell you girls. I keep promising you things, things I should be able to keep, but I don't. I won't make you any more fake promises, I promise. From now on, if I know that there's the slightest chance I won't be able to make whatever I'm attempting to, I just won't make a promise that I'll make it.
I have such a hard time showing you guys  how much I love you. I keep telling you, but I never show it. I really can't understand how all those lovely comments can keep coming, how those soothing words can keep finding me. I don't deserve you. You don't deserve this. I can be better, I really can. I'll try. I'll try my God damn best. No more posts from me until I have commented every single blog that has been updated in the past month. And since I have my weekly weigh-in Wednesday, it would be great if I had done it before then. Now, I won't promise anything, 'cause I just said I wouldn't. But I will try my God damn hardest, I promise you that!

You're too good to me...

With so much love girls,
and a wish that you will all achieve your every single dream.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Forget everything I said. I am fat, I am failure. I will never be thin. I am a pig. A disgusting, gigantic pig. *Oink-oink*


  1. You are right. You need to work up to abc and serious restricting. I would suggest cutting out junk food. That's a goal that is measurable and healthy. Once you are able to do that, you will definitely see results, and then can challenge yourself with harder tasks. Fasting is great, but if you break your fast with thousands of chips, you really fail double. Let me know what you think.

  2. russell brand was awesome during get him to the greek, but then again, he's just amazing in every aspect so...
    LOL. breast-feeding. what can you do? comedy movie much. <3
    i know how you feel and you're right! so what if you fail on the second day? just pick right up, like you always have, Bellsy. <33
    baby. you are not as fat as you think. we all see each other to be fatter than what we really are. you fail, but you get right back up again. <3
    it's not cheating, love. it's true. x3. also, i fasted for a week once. she will get really, really sick. physically sick. emotionally sick. just sick. :( if you feel even a small twinge that you will binge, just eat rather than overdoing it though, alright, love?
    water fasting is hard. for me, i do allow calorie-free diet Pepsi when i drink. there's nothing wrong with it. i used to allow a lot of coffee too. (black <3)
    we love you, baby. <3
    ...oh my God. baby, don't think that, alright? we love you and you are not a pig. if you're a pig, we're all piglets.
    ...........wait. i love Piglet. <3 i am such a child.
    and in response to that adorable comment you left me:
    aweeeeeee. thank you, darling. that boosts my ego, because i'm a writer, and i LOVE writing things. i wrote my book, but i don't know what to do with it. xD. it's rather...weird in its own nature.
    aweeee. <3 you're not a bad follower, cutie! <3
    ahahahaha. my life is always insane. i just take it with a smile. because i'm fucking graduating soon enough, then i can rest and cry out all my frustrations. :3
    i love him. so much. i love him almost as much as i love you. ;o almost, of course being the key word. <3 you're my bunny. you actually remind me of this Canadian girl that i loved, and had a crush on even, and my ex used to call her bunny, so it became a trend, so you're my funny bunny...bunny. :3
    if you say chubby bunny, i will kill you.
    yes! when clothes don't fit you. gah. but the worst thing about losing even 64lbs is that...i don't fucking FEEL it. i feel like i've always been this weight. i mean, i see the numbers, i see the pictures, but i don't quite FEEL it yet. you know? ...maybe i'll feel it when i hit a new low. xD.
    omg. i can just imagine those! i hated wearing pants like that, because it brought way too much attention to my legs. see my problem? at least, when i wear plaid, my top half is more or so pretty 'small', i can fit into size UK tens easily with my upper half. hell, my pants are custom-made, but my school shirt is a size XS. fucking school. all full of fat people. if i'm an XS, then what the hell is a M. it's weird to think that before i used to be an XL. that's like...two opposite ends!
    *blushes deeply* omg. <3 that so made my day. i never had anyone call me skinny. well, i had my family, but they don't count. :P and once, my friend told me i was one step away from looking sick...huuuuuuuh?
    you are not bad, love. *Kissy* Misha you, Bella!!!!!! :D
    and you are my butterfly. and my bunny. and my entire fucking garden. <3
    -Sam Lupin
    PS. Misha youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. <33333333

  3. My beautiful, Bella. Do not hate yourself for acting human. You will try and you will fail. Then, you will try even harder knowing what you did wrong to fail in the past. Most importantly, LEARN from it. Take notes when you are feeling weakest and why you are feeling weak and then improve.

    All of my love for you, sweet girl.
    I love you so much.
    PLEASE, stay strong.