I wish I had a better reason for having been gone for two weeks, with no warning at all. But I don't.
I wish I could tell you what the fuck is going on whit me, but I can't. I don't even know for sure myself.
Lately, I have been eating like a pig, gaining, starving, purging, cutting. I have been suicidal, hysteric, angry, happy, broken. Numb.
I have not been in control of anything, my emotions, my eating, my hands. I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. I'm just stumbling, falling, walking blind. I don't really know where I am, what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. School doesn't matter. Friends doesn't matter. Family doesn't matter. Sometimes, when it's worst, love doesn't matter. Nicolaj doesn't matter.
The only thing I can think about is how fat I am, how much of a failure I am, all the reasons I deserve being this miserable. I long to hurt, yet once I feel just a bit of hunger, I eat, I eat to make it all go away. Because as much as I truly believe I deserve this hurt, as much do I long to end the pain.
I know I'm sick. I know I'm suffering from a really bad depression, manic depression, a somewhat bad eating disorder, and cutting. Maybe I'm a bit OCD as well. I sure have suspected at times. When all the dark thoughts take over, and I don't feel like I have control over myself any more.
I know I should seek some help. But I can't. I just can't do it.
I walk around, wishing every single day that my parents would find out. But I don't want them too, 'cause then I would have to go to treatment. They would want to cure me.
They can't. There is no cure for this.
I just want them to see me, notice me. Realize how much I long their attention, how loud I scream for it, how I hurt for it. They don't see anything. They don't even notice the scars anymore.
I know I'm sick. But I deserve the hurt.
I might not be writing on the blog for a while. It's just all too much. I swear I'm not leaving you girls, not like this. But don't expect anything. Not even Blogger, who used to be my rock, can support me anymore.
I still love you girls.
I still admire you, adore you, care about you.
I'm just so fucked right now, it'll take a while to fix.
Until next time - who nows, it can be a day, a week, a month - I want you all to think. Just really, really think about what it is we are doing. Why are we doing this to our selfs? Don't we deserve happiness? Why do we long to hurt so bad?
I love you all. I really do.
- Bella ♥