Monday, January 16, 2012

I guess I have some explaining to do...

I wish I had a better reason for having been gone for two weeks, with no warning at all. But I don't.
I wish I could tell you what the fuck is going on whit me, but I can't. I don't even know for sure myself.
Lately, I have been eating like a pig, gaining, starving, purging, cutting. I have been suicidal, hysteric, angry, happy, broken. Numb.
I have not been in control of anything, my emotions, my eating, my hands. I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. I'm just stumbling, falling, walking blind. I don't really know where I am, what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. School doesn't matter. Friends doesn't matter. Family doesn't matter. Sometimes, when it's worst, love doesn't matter. Nicolaj doesn't matter.

The only thing I can think about is how fat I am, how much of a failure I am, all the reasons I deserve being this miserable. I long to hurt, yet once I feel just a bit of hunger, I eat, I eat to make it all go away. Because as much as I truly believe I deserve this hurt, as much do I long to end the pain.

I know I'm sick. I know I'm suffering from a really bad depression, manic depression, a somewhat bad eating disorder, and cutting. Maybe I'm a bit OCD as well. I sure have suspected at times. When all the dark thoughts take over, and I don't feel like I have control over myself any more.
I know I should seek some help. But I can't. I just can't do it.
I walk around, wishing every single day that my parents would find out. But I don't want them too, 'cause then I would have to go to treatment. They would want to cure me.
They can't. There is no cure for this.
I just want them to see me, notice me. Realize how much I long their attention, how loud I scream for it, how I hurt for it. They don't see anything. They don't even notice the scars anymore.

I know I'm sick. But I deserve the hurt.

I might not be writing on the blog for a while. It's just all too much. I swear I'm not leaving you girls, not like this. But don't expect anything. Not even Blogger, who used to be my rock, can support me anymore.

I still love you girls.
I still admire you, adore you, care about you.
I'm just so fucked right now, it'll take a while to fix.

Until next time - who nows, it can be a day, a week, a month - I want you all to think. Just really, really think about what it is we are doing. Why are we doing this to our selfs? Don't we deserve happiness? Why do we long to hurt so bad?

I love you all. I really do.
- Bella


  1. Oh sweetheart. This sounds awful. Maybe some time to your self will be best.

    Take care of yourself, we'll all be here for you when you decide to return. We love you.


  2. oh my God. the beginning of this post doesn't seem to make me feel anything but sorry. :( oh, my baby. and don't worry. i don't believe you're 'eating like a pig'. you and i and all of us just starve ourselves so much that we end up falling. but you're always right there to be picked up again. :) we love you.
    when i feel the pang of hunger, i eat to shut it up too. i can't eat past 500 calories without gaining. fuck. i'm like seriously screwed, too. >_<
    they act like it's normal. sometimes, i want to just show them a tape recording of my obsession and have them see how much i measure everything, how much i care about what the scale says, the purging, the laxatives, the starving, the being too afraid to eat, the hunger, the pain - i want to show them that. but i can't. i want them to notice. and they don't.
    we do this to ourselves, because we feel like everyone in the world is worth the happiness -

    but us.

    -Sam Lupin

  3. We are always going to be here waiting for you. Take the time that you need. I hope you feel better soon :( Love you.

  4. hope ur alright
    havent heard from you in a long time
    it will be okay
    i know it hurts and your in pain
    and i know it seems like everything is getting worse
    and im sorry you have to go through all this
    but eventualy
    one day
    you will be okay <3
    i promise darling

    love you