Thursday, January 26, 2012

How much fun school is!

Yesterday in my biology class, we had to measure our BMI, THR, and our body fat %, the last one calculated in 4 different way from different measurements on our body. I had to let a girl from my class measure my waist, thigh, hips, biceps, triceps, right beneath my shoulder blade, and the fat on my hip, instead of around it. The I had to let her watch as we wrote those measurements into different online programs, and let her see just how fat I am.
The last one, the electrical, measured me to 37%. I can't really believe it's that bad, but I can't really deny it either. And I can surely see on my body where it should be.
That was a huge blow to my face. So of course, I fucked it all up completely. Today, my weight had gone over 80 kg/176,4 lbs again. In two days, I have gained nearly 2 kg/4,4 lbs. Wtf? Well, someone once told me that weight quickly gained is weight quickly lost. I really, really hope that's true.

I'm thinking about fasting today. But usually, I'm too weak, so I break down and eat a ton of shit in the middle of the day. I'm so tired of being weak. But I don't know how to stay strong throughout the day. I find it hard to keep myself motivated around lunch, and then again when I get home. Those two are the hardest time.
I don't know how I got so weak. I used to be so strong. The Mia found me, and since then, I've just gone downhill. I eat and eat and eat, and it's not even all the time I purge.
Why even bother having an eating disorder, if it doesn't get you thin?
You'd think it would be easy, just not doing something. So why is it so hard for me to just not eat?

I feel so much like cutting. Like ripping open my skin, watching it bleed. But I can't right now, 'cause I'm in school, and I don't have anything. I accidentally removed the safety pin I always have on my bag. And Nicolaj slept at my place this night, so I couldn't do it this morning either.
I  just feel a need for it. Like, I crave doing it. It would make it easier not eating. It would make it easier having gained this weight, knowing that I have bled for it.
Any one of you who have ever SI'ed knows what I mean. It's addicting. I feel so guilty all the time, but whenever I cut... It just let go of it for a moment. Like, everything I have ever done wrong, everything I'm guilty of, I have been payed back for. It's only fair that I cut, that I bleed, that I hurt. It's fair.

I'm in a dark mood today lovelies. I'm spending my time on Tumblr, watching all the pictures of skinny girls and bleeding cuts. And I want it. I want all of it. The weak ones, the evil ones, the naked ones, the hurting ones. All of them. I want thin. Bones. Skinny. I want the cuts. The scars. The blood.
I want the misery. I want to starve, I want the feel bad all the time. I already do. I want a reason for it.

Sometimes, I think about the future. It used to be pretty clear, pretty bright. I could see myself turning 30. Nicolaj was there, and a child. My child. And I was always happy. I looked a lot like my mom, just younger. And my hair would be straight instead of curled, and darker than hers - even though I'm naturally blond, I think dark hair suits me better. I was thin. Not skinny, but thin, like my mom.
Now, all that is gone. I want a child so bad, but I can't visualize it anymore. I don't see myself. Secretly, I don't believe I get to turn 30. I don't know why. Maybe I'll die by suicide because I have driven the last one who loved me, Nicolaj, away. Or maybe I die because I throw up too much, and my stomach just can't take it anymore. Maybe I die in an accident. Maybe I'll cut too deep. I just can't bring myself to believe that I will live past 30.

I'm sorry for that girls. I just needed to get it out. I tried talking to Nicolaj about it yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I love him too much to tell him. Now he'll read it here anyway. I'm sorry honey. I love you. please forgive me <3

Your comments on my last post warmed me. I can't believe you're still there, after everything I have done to you. Sasha, Sammy, Alina and fuchsia, you kept my broken wings flying. Thank you so much.

I love you all, every single one of you, who think I don't even know you. I do. I care about you. About every single one of you. I love you.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. *hugs super tightly* I'm so so must have been awful:( but I really don't think the girl who took ur measurements thought too much about it. Most ppl don't rly care that much abt others. She was probably more focused on her own body fat percentage for all I know! Seriously exactly the SAME here with resisting food at lunch & coming home! Its so hard because everyone around u is eating & when I come home the 1st place I go 2 is the kitchen. knowing my habits I've been making sure I only keep fruits & veggies in the fridge so even if i "binge" nt much damage is done. Specifically if u "binge" on lettuce (2 cals for one leaf) lol. Today I avoided it altogether by going straight to my room when I came home and taking a nice long nap. I used to do the same thing tho w/ trying to fast & breaking after, thats how I devloped mia. So I've been finding my veggie diet is helping a lot. Just keep chewing on carrots or celery or something. Green tea & black coffee help too. The bitterness helps take cravings away for me. Also brushing your teeth. Try to keep urself distracted...I understand abt the cutting dear, I was like that too, whenever I was sad angry/ frustrated I wud automatically want 2 cut. but I've found other coping skills now and thats rly helped. Today I was super frustrated bt it didn't even occur 2 me 2 cut! this from a person who used to cut herself 20 times a day...There's this blog on tumblr called the Butterfly Project Basically u draw a butterfly on ur wrist when you want to cut and ur job is to protect it by not cutting. U shud try it!I think its u 4 u!<3 (butterflies:D) You dont need to feel guilty about anything dear, there must be such a big burden in ur heart, I wish I could help lift it matter what, we care a lot about u, ur very precious, & pls, try not to hurt urself:) Stay strong<3 & u WILL live past 30. Think of the life u want, the future u imagined, and see it as ur motivation 2 get better:)

  2. I know this feeling when future gets black.
    But believe me.. its just a bad phase.. you will get out of this shit someday.. and everything will get bright again! This sounds a bit cheesy, but i am sure that it will be getting much better.

    don't starve, plesae.. you have to eat healty to lose weight in the long term. Try to get out of the eating disorder.. easy to say.. but it will help you in all your areas of life. you can eat,you feel fit, you lose weight and your confidence grow.
    Never eat under your basal metabolic rate. You can even save many kalories a day if you it this minimum of your basal metabolic rate. And with a little bit sport, I really mean a little bit (because i have that to much to hard sport for the beginning just burn your muscles)like taking walks, moderate swimming or ride a bike and so on, your skin will get tighter. (sorry for my bad english)
    when you eat you get all the vitamins and you will feel more active and energized.. you hair and your nails will thank you .. blablablaba

    probably you now all this... and the starving and eating and purging is just an other form of cutting...
    i went through this too.. you are more into.. but i feel with you.

    i want you to know that there are ways out this! they are! Even if all looks black.. i even often liked this black all around me...
    it raptured me but i liked it at the same time out of desperation..

    its just a phase... cause there are too many things that bother... das makes pressure..
    but with time you will find ressources how you can cope with everything.. whether its a good friend that listens to all your thoughts or its a love that gives you balance

    it will end... and you will have an awesome time.. cause the best time of your life lies infront of you. It will come!
    Just take the first little steps, give yourself and everything else some time, and then watch the changes.

    Your lovely! And ur life will be too! i am sure

  3. oh my God. i'm so sorry for that, Bells. even know, i am so afraid of people measuring my waist, and hips, and stuff, because i am just afraid of their point of view. according to this body fat percentage calculator, i have one of 25%. how is that fucking possible? i'm like...still in the overweight BMI range. these things are also really, really FAULTY. and baby, just no cutting. i can handle the purging (because i'm hypocritical if i say 'don't purge') when you, me and Scarlett are like purging queens.
    and i truly hope you live past 30. and even more-so. i hope you get to see the world unfold in beauty, and the grace of bells as they chime to your wedding.
    and so, fly for me. fly for all of us. how i wish i can make the world simply stop for just a moment, kiss all the pain away and play it back just to make that one moment last forever.
    -Sam Lupin
    PS. good things come to those who wait, but the best of things come to those who suffer.