Yesterday in my biology class, we had to measure our BMI, THR, and our body fat %, the last one calculated in 4 different way from different measurements on our body. I had to let a girl from my class measure my waist, thigh, hips, biceps, triceps, right beneath my shoulder blade, and the fat on my hip, instead of around it. The I had to let her watch as we wrote those measurements into different online programs, and let her see just how fat I am.
The last one, the electrical, measured me to 37%. I can't really believe it's that bad, but I can't really deny it either. And I can surely see on my body where it should be.
That was a huge blow to my face. So of course, I fucked it all up completely. Today, my weight had gone over 80 kg/176,4 lbs again. In two days, I have gained nearly 2 kg/4,4 lbs. Wtf? Well, someone once told me that weight quickly gained is weight quickly lost. I really, really hope that's true.
I'm thinking about fasting today. But usually, I'm too weak, so I break down and eat a ton of shit in the middle of the day. I'm so tired of being weak. But I don't know how to stay strong throughout the day. I find it hard to keep myself motivated around lunch, and then again when I get home. Those two are the hardest time.
I don't know how I got so weak. I used to be so strong. The Mia found me, and since then, I've just gone downhill. I eat and eat and eat, and it's not even all the time I purge.
Why even bother having an eating disorder, if it doesn't get you thin?
You'd think it would be easy, just not doing something. So why is it so hard for me to just not eat?
I feel so much like cutting. Like ripping open my skin, watching it bleed. But I can't right now, 'cause I'm in school, and I don't have anything. I accidentally removed the safety pin I always have on my bag. And Nicolaj slept at my place this night, so I couldn't do it this morning either.
I just feel a need for it. Like, I crave doing it. It would make it easier not eating. It would make it easier having gained this weight, knowing that I have bled for it.
Any one of you who have ever SI'ed knows what I mean. It's addicting. I feel so guilty all the time, but whenever I cut... It just let go of it for a moment. Like, everything I have ever done wrong, everything I'm guilty of, I have been payed back for. It's only fair that I cut, that I bleed, that I hurt. It's fair.
I'm in a dark mood today lovelies. I'm spending my time on Tumblr, watching all the pictures of skinny girls and bleeding cuts. And I want it. I want all of it. The weak ones, the evil ones, the naked ones, the hurting ones. All of them. I want thin. Bones. Skinny. I want the cuts. The scars. The blood.
I want the misery. I want to starve, I want the feel bad all the time. I already do. I want a reason for it.
Sometimes, I think about the future. It used to be pretty clear, pretty bright. I could see myself turning 30. Nicolaj was there, and a child. My child. And I was always happy. I looked a lot like my mom, just younger. And my hair would be straight instead of curled, and darker than hers - even though I'm naturally blond, I think dark hair suits me better. I was thin. Not skinny, but thin, like my mom.
Now, all that is gone. I want a child so bad, but I can't visualize it anymore. I don't see myself. Secretly, I don't believe I get to turn 30. I don't know why. Maybe I'll die by suicide because I have driven the last one who loved me, Nicolaj, away. Or maybe I die because I throw up too much, and my stomach just can't take it anymore. Maybe I die in an accident. Maybe I'll cut too deep. I just can't bring myself to believe that I will live past 30.
I'm sorry for that girls. I just needed to get it out. I tried talking to Nicolaj about it yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I love him too much to tell him. Now he'll read it here anyway. I'm sorry honey. I love you. please forgive me <3
Your comments on my last post warmed me. I can't believe you're still there, after everything I have done to you. Sasha, Sammy, Alina and fuchsia, you kept my broken wings flying. Thank you so much.
I love you all, every single one of you, who think I don't even know you. I do. I care about you. About every single one of you. I love you.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥