Sunday, January 29, 2012

So, meltdown, huh?

Yeah, I don't know what happened yesterday. I guess I'm just a total attention whore for showing you that awful picture. I'm very, very sorry lovelies. Know that I would never do that in a normal state of mind. I don't know why I broke down like that yesterday. I had just had a bad day with Nicolaj - no fighting or anything, just... Nothing. Noting at all happened, though I was with my boyfriend. I hate that feeling. Like I'm not interesting enough. Or that I'm not interested enough myself. I might as well just have stayed home. He played Xbox the whole evening while I was on the computer at first, and then reading afterwards. Things we could have done separately, instead of wasting gas on getting to each other' houses. It just snapped. I wanted him to show interest. But he never really notices my cuts. And when he does, he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't seem to get that I need to talk about this, that I need someone to listen. I have my ED friend to listen to all my food complaints, but I don't have anyone I can talk to about the cutting. So I guess I just wanted someone to respond to my non-well being? Not matter my drama queen, attention whore reasons, I am terribly, terribly sorry.

I must say, I am touched by the responses I got. I never dreamed someone would actually comment that nasty picture, making me feel cared about. I know cutting is a nasty habit, but it is one I'm not ready to give up. I promise though, I'll never post a picture of my cuts again. Honestly!

So, food wise, it has been crappy lately. Yesterday was kind of a turn, and today... Well, I didn't get out of bed until breakfast time, so I had a combined lunch and breakfast: 2 slices of wholewheat bread (184), one with raspberry jam (51) and one with Satan's mistress aka peanut butter (143), and then some 0,1% yogurt beside it (21) because my dad told me to finish up the carton, a total of 399 calories so far. Drowned it all in my last bit of Cola Zero, then purged whatever I could. Again, bad, bad habit.
I have found a way to stop that last habit, 'cause I am certainly ready to give that one up. I'm going to do the 10 day challenge, starting tomorrow. For those who don't know it, I'll post a picture below :)
I don't think I'll be able to get 80 points per day, since I am very, very bad a exercising. And I don't go to bed early enough either. So maybe 60 points a day is realistic for me, if I remember to drink enough water? I'm gonna try and go for 80 a day, but I don't want to make unrealistic goals. I don't honestly believe that I can exercise for over an hour a day, every day in 10 days. But I will try and get at least 30 minutes in, and maybe go over an hour 3 or 4 times. Just because I know myself so well. I don't want to give up before even starting, but honestly, I'm just being realistic.

What I love the most about this challenge is, I don't have to fast if I can't do it. It doesn't matter if I eat 0 calories or 499. When I try and fast, mostly I fail halfway through the day and binge. This won't happen with this challenge, since I will be restricting, not fasting. If it goes well, I may continue this, making it a daily system. I have a little notebook where I will be counting points and stuff, and I'll update on here every other day or so, maybe more often. I can't say for sure though, so do not expect anything. As I have pointed out many, many times before, you can not trust me!
Does anyone else have this problem? I guess some do. But really, all of you who are so great at fasting; how the fuck do you do it?! Really, I want every trick I can get. I hope this can help me find some of my willpower, and once it's back, I'm sure I'll be able to fast again, as I used to do it pretty often. But until then... What do you do when you have a hard time completing a fast? What gives you the power to just go on? What drives you? This spineless motherfucker wants to know everything!

So, I was at this scouting competition thingy last night.... I don't know how to describe it. Being a scout in Denmark is SO different from being a scout in so many other countries! Really, I don't know any place except Norway and Sweden where it's the same.
Anyway, I've been to this competition every year for the past 6 years or so - except for last year when it was canceled because there weren't enough participants. And never, never have I won it before. Of course, I've never been the group leader before either. The other years, I was just this little girl, who never really were sure of what she was doing. But yesterday, yesterday, we finally won! It gives me such a rush, such a warm feeling! We were the best ones there! And a lot of groups participated this year.
It kinda makes me understand athletes. I mean, I've never felt the burning passion for any sport at all. I don't like sports. And that's okay. But the scouts... I'm passionate about that, that is for sure! I spend so much of my time on it, I do everything I can to improve the experience, not just for myself, but for everybody else!
I guess this is what it feels like to be committed to something. Too bad I never felt this way about school...

I keep going from one internet window to another. From here, to Tumblr. Repost some pictures. To here. Write some of your feelings down. To Tumblr. Repost some more. To here. Write more crap about my life. I have become highly addicted to Tumblr. I love it! I love the simplicity of it. At first, I didn't like it. It was just pictures! Bo-ring! But I have come to love it very much. The beauty of all the pictures, even the quotes. It's so perfect. And whenever I feel like I need something real, something besides just the pictures, I come on here. I wish someone would make a mix of those two! I know you can blog on Tumblr, but it's just not the same! You're editing options are very limited and stuff. Someone, PLEASE hurry up and invent a mix of those two sites! Throw Twitter in as well, the opportunity to just write something short about how you feel, instead of having to make a full entry!
The king of social networks, yes please!

I'm gonna get real again soon girls, I promise you that!
I haven't been acting like I have an eating disorder lately at all, not even purging every day. I swear to God, that's gonna change. I'll be someone you can relate to soon again, and my posts will be interesting for those of you who just want calorie calculations and workout plans. Seriously, I swear!

I love you guys. You are waaaaay too nice to the drama queen, attention whore here. Waaaaay too nice!
I love you so much. So much love girls. Really!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Big hugs, you sound so troubled at the minute. Maybe a therapist would help if you need to talk and there's no-one to listen? xx

  2. I agree with Little Miss Thin, you seem to be in such disarray lately and I wish you'd talk with someone who's able to help you. I also really wish you'd stop calling yourself demeaning names, because that just doesn't help anything. Be safe, ok? xx

  3. Damn... I'm sure your boyfriend can be really sweet, or something, but he really should pay more attention to you. And definitely not play xbox while you're there! Sorry, just needed to say that.
    That challenge seems great, by the way! Really hope it works. Believe it must be a good thing to have some kind of challenge, instead of just a plan, and also that you can decide the calories more for yourself.
    About fasting, I'm afraid that don't really have any really great tricks. You could try telling your boyfriend that you want him to say that you shouldn't. To have him say something everytime you're going to get something to eat, without it being an actual meal. I don't know how much you're together, but if he's not there, try texting him or something if you are considering eating. Just so he has a chance to try and stop you. Just a suggestion. I'm sure he'll help you. Seems so from some of the earlier posts.
    Be careful Bella. And hold on to the ones close to you. Oh, and congratulations on winning!

    I stumble through the wreckage
    Rusted from the rain
    There’s nothing left to salvage
    No one left to blame
    Among the broken mirrors
    I don’t look the same
    I’m rusted from the rain
    I’m rusted from the rain

  4. Good luck on the 10 day challenge! I'm doing it as well, currently on day 5, the good thing is u dont feel so bound up, its just about doing ur best & getting as many points as you personally feel up for:) & rly just a lil exercise is fine! Even brisk walking while listening to sum upbeat music, i always find puts me in a better mood after:) You are loved dear<3 stay strong!

  5. awee, baby. please don't worry about it, alright? we were just concerned about you. i did not even think you were an attention whore!

    and in response, awe, my love. ahahaha. i did read that comment going like 'me? depressed? i'm so happy i probably shit rainbows' (you know, laxatives and all) xD and oh, my love. <3 awe, baby. i don't like that one thing about Nicholaj. otherwise, i think he's good. i don't know why. but i always feel like he isn't one of those bad guy boyfriends.

    then again, i could be wrong. i never dated the dude.

    speaking of and i are insane about it. i know whatcha mean. you don't like hearing other people do it sometimes, but you do it yourself. i've abstained from it, but when someone says 'i will try purging' that's when i come in and say 'ITS NOT WORTH IT'. did you know the more you purge, the more prone you are to getting hungry again? a proper purge means you get hungrier faster. within an hour or two of your purge. which is what starts up our mia cycle.

    hmm...for me = fasting + exercising and i don't even feel hungry. it's just getting past cravings. when they start up, i just exercise more.

    if you call yourself an attention whore again...i will eat you and then purge you.

    -Sam Lupin