10 day challenge - Day one (Short post)

Just a quick update to let you guys know how my day went :)

Sleep: 10 points

I actually went to bed 8.30 hours before I had to get up. But I had a really hard time falling asleep, and then besides that, my mom thought it would be funny to wake me up 1.30 hour before I was supposed to. She thought I'd forgot to set an alarm or something, and that I was late. Thank you very much mom. After that, I couldn't fall asleep again. So it's my mom's fault that I only get 10 points for that one today.

Water: 20 points

2L! I did it! Normally, I don't even drink one, so two is amazing! I've been so full all day, all thanks to the extra water. I love it! I need to keep doing that! :)

Exercise: 10 points

Yes, the one subject that will be haunting me. But hey, at least I got in 30 minutes on my exercise bike (burning 332 calories), right? I don't have time tomorrow, but Wednesday, I swear I'm gonna get at least 1.30 hour in there! I swear to God!

I swear to God too much, don't I? Well, a promise to God is just so much more binding than a promise to anyone else. And I don't want to be profaneor anything, so if I swear to God, I have to keep it. Otherwise, I'm using the Lord's name in vain! *Sounding dramatic and ultra religious here!*

Food: 20 points

Now, this is the interesting part. I have not been able to stay beneath 500 for a really, really long time. I can't even say how long it's been. With all the purging and stuff, I have just been eating and eating and eating. And yeah Sammy, you're right. And actually, I did notice it! Ha, I'm feeling smart!

So, today I've had 2 large apples (153), one medium apple (61), 2 pieces of wholewheat bread (184) with 2 slices of ham (22) and a teaspoon worth of ketchup (11). A total of 432 today. Minus those 332 calories I burned, I get a net total of 100 calories! What a victory! Well, personal. I know it's nothing, compared to a ton of you. But hey, fuck you, you don't get to ruin my mood! ;)

A total of 60 points on my first day of the 10 day challenge. I'm pretty pleased with myself :)

That's it for today girls, sorry I'm such a lame ass.
Now, I'll go crawl back under the blanket with Nicolaj <3

Until next time aka tomorrow evening if not before
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

So, meltdown, huh?

Yeah, I don't know what happened yesterday. I guess I'm just a total attention whore for showing you that awful picture. I'm very, very sorry lovelies. Know that I would never do that in a normal state of mind. I don't know why I broke down like that yesterday. I had just had a bad day with Nicolaj - no fighting or anything, just... Nothing. Noting at all happened, though I was with my boyfriend. I hate that feeling. Like I'm not interesting enough. Or that I'm not interested enough myself. I might as well just have stayed home. He played Xbox the whole evening while I was on the computer at first, and then reading afterwards. Things we could have done separately, instead of wasting gas on getting to each other' houses. It just snapped. I wanted him to show interest. But he never really notices my cuts. And when he does, he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't seem to get that I need to talk about this, that I need someone to listen. I have my ED friend to listen to all my food complaints, but I don't have anyone I can talk to about the cutting. So I guess I just wanted someone to respond to my non-well being? Not matter my drama queen, attention whore reasons, I am terribly, terribly sorry.

I must say, I am touched by the responses I got. I never dreamed someone would actually comment that nasty picture, making me feel cared about. I know cutting is a nasty habit, but it is one I'm not ready to give up. I promise though, I'll never post a picture of my cuts again. Honestly!

So, food wise, it has been crappy lately. Yesterday was kind of a turn, and today... Well, I didn't get out of bed until breakfast time, so I had a combined lunch and breakfast: 2 slices of wholewheat bread (184), one with raspberry jam (51) and one with Satan's mistress aka peanut butter (143), and then some 0,1% yogurt beside it (21) because my dad told me to finish up the carton, a total of 399 calories so far. Drowned it all in my last bit of Cola Zero, then purged whatever I could. Again, bad, bad habit.

I have found a way to stop that last habit, 'cause I am certainly ready to give that one up. I'm going to do the 10 day challenge, starting tomorrow. For those who don't know it, I'll post a picture below :)

I don't think I'll be able to get 80 points per day, since I am very, very bad a exercising. And I don't go to bed early enough either. So maybe 60 points a day is realistic for me, if I remember to drink enough water? I'm gonna try and go for 80 a day, but I don't want to make unrealistic goals. I don't honestly believe that I can exercise for over an hour a day, every day in 10 days. But I will try and get at least 30 minutes in, and maybe go over an hour 3 or 4 times. Just because I know myself so well. I don't want to give up before even starting, but honestly, I'm just being realistic.

What I love the most about this challenge is, I don't have to fast if I can't do it. It doesn't matter if I eat 0 calories or 499. When I try and fast, mostly I fail halfway through the day and binge. This won't happen with this challenge, since I will be restricting, not fasting. If it goes well, I may continue this, making it a daily system. I have a little notebook where I will be counting points and stuff, and I'll update on here every other day or so, maybe more often. I can't say for sure though, so do not expect anything. As I have pointed out many, many times before, you can not trust me!

Does anyone else have this problem? I guess some do. But really, all of you who are so great at fasting; how the fuck do you do it?! Really, I want every trick I can get. I hope this can help me find some of my willpower, and once it's back, I'm sure I'll be able to fast again, as I used to do it pretty often. But until then... What do you do when you have a hard time completing a fast? What gives you the power to just go on? What drives you? This spineless motherfucker wants to know everything!

So, I was at this scouting competition thingy last night.... I don't know how to describe it. Being a scout in Denmark is SO different from being a scout in so many other countries! Really, I don't know any place except Norway and Sweden where it's the same.

Anyway, I've been to this competition every year for the past 6 years or so - except for last year when it was canceled because there weren't enough participants. And never, never have I won it before. Of course, I've never been the group leader before either. The other years, I was just this little girl, who never really were sure of what she was doing. But yesterday, yesterday, we finally won! It gives me such a rush, such a warm feeling! We were the best ones there! And a lot of groups participated this year.

It kinda makes me understand athletes. I mean, I've never felt the burning passion for any sport at all. I don't like sports. And that's okay. But the scouts... I'm passionate about that, that is for sure! I spend so much of my time on it, I do everything I can to improve the experience, not just for myself, but for everybody else!

I guess this is what it feels like to be committed to something. Too bad I never felt this way about school...

I keep going from one internet window to another. From here, to Tumblr. Repost some pictures. To here. Write some of your feelings down. To Tumblr. Repost some more. To here. Write more crap about my life. I have become highly addicted to Tumblr. I love it! I love the simplicity of it. At first, I didn't like it. It was just pictures! Bo-ring! But I have come to love it very much. The beauty of all the pictures, even the quotes. It's so perfect. And whenever I feel like I need something real, something besides just the pictures, I come on here. I wish someone would make a mix of those two! I know you can blog on Tumblr, but it's just not the same! You're editing options are very limited and stuff. Someone, PLEASE hurry up and invent a mix of those two sites! Throw Twitter in as well, the opportunity to just write something short about how you feel, instead of having to make a full entry!

The king of social networks, yes please!

I'm gonna get real again soon girls, I promise you that!

I haven't been acting like I have an eating disorder lately at all, not even purging every day. I swear to God, that's gonna change. I'll be someone you can relate to soon again, and my posts will be interesting for those of you who just want calorie calculations and workout plans. Seriously, I swear!

I love you guys. You are waaaaay too nice to the drama queen, attention whore here. Waaaaay too nice!

I love you so much. So much love girls. Really!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

I'm broken

I'm so sorry if this offends everyone. I just needed to show someone. I also posted it on my Tumblr. Leave yours in a comment, and I'll folow.

I'm sorry lovelies. Please forgive me...

How much fun school is!

Yesterday in my biology class, we had to measure our BMI, THR, and our body fat %, the last one calculated in 4 different way from different measurements on our body. I had to let a girl from my class measure my waist, thigh, hips, biceps, triceps, right beneath my shoulder blade, and the fat on my hip, instead of around it. The I had to let her watch as we wrote those measurements into different online programs, and let her see just how fat I am.

The last one, the electrical, measured me to 37%. I can't really believe it's that bad, but I can't really deny it either. And I can surely see on my body where it should be.

That was a huge blow to my face. So of course, I fucked it all up completely. Today, my weight had gone over 80 kg/176,4 lbs again. In two days, I have gained nearly 2 kg/4,4 lbs. Wtf? Well, someone once told me that weight quickly gained is weight quickly lost. I really, really hope that's true.

I'm thinking about fasting today. But usually, I'm too weak, so I break down and eat a ton of shit in the middle of the day. I'm so tired of being weak. But I don't know how to stay strong throughout the day. I find it hard to keep myself motivated around lunch, and then again when I get home. Those two are the hardest time.

I don't know how I got so weak. I used to be so strong. The Mia found me, and since then, I've just gone downhill. I eat and eat and eat, and it's not even all the time I purge.

Why even bother having an eating disorder, if it doesn't get you thin?

You'd think it would be easy, just not doing something. So why is it so hard for me to just not eat?

I feel so much like cutting. Like ripping open my skin, watching it bleed. But I can't right now, 'cause I'm in school, and I don't have anything. I accidentally removed the safety pin I always have on my bag. And Nicolaj slept at my place this night, so I couldn't do it this morning either.
I  just feel a need for it. Like, I crave doing it. It would make it easier not eating. It would make it easier having gained this weight, knowing that I have bled for it.
Any one of you who have ever SI'ed knows what I mean. It's addicting. I feel so guilty all the time, but whenever I cut... It just let go of it for a moment. Like, everything I have ever done wrong, everything I'm guilty of, I have been payed back for. It's only fair that I cut, that I bleed, that I hurt. It's fair.

I'm in a dark mood today lovelies. I'm spending my time on Tumblr, watching all the pictures of skinny girls and bleeding cuts. And I want it. I want all of it. The weak ones, the evil ones, the naked ones, the hurting ones. All of them. I want thin. Bones. Skinny. I want the cuts. The scars. The blood.
I want the misery. I want to starve, I want the feel bad all the time. I already do. I want a reason for it.

Sometimes, I think about the future. It used to be pretty clear, pretty bright. I could see myself turning 30. Nicolaj was there, and a child. My child. And I was always happy. I looked a lot like my mom, just younger. And my hair would be straight instead of curled, and darker than hers - even though I'm naturally blond, I think dark hair suits me better. I was thin. Not skinny, but thin, like my mom.
Now, all that is gone. I want a child so bad, but I can't visualize it anymore. I don't see myself. Secretly, I don't believe I get to turn 30. I don't know why. Maybe I'll die by suicide because I have driven the last one who loved me, Nicolaj, away. Or maybe I die because I throw up too much, and my stomach just can't take it anymore. Maybe I die in an accident. Maybe I'll cut too deep. I just can't bring myself to believe that I will live past 30.

I'm sorry for that girls. I just needed to get it out. I tried talking to Nicolaj about it yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I love him too much to tell him. Now he'll read it here anyway. I'm sorry honey. I love you. please forgive me <3

Your comments on my last post warmed me. I can't believe you're still there, after everything I have done to you. Sasha, Sammy, Alina and fuchsia, you kept my broken wings flying. Thank you so much.

I love you all, every single one of you, who think I don't even know you. I do. I care about you. About every single one of you. I love you.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + I'm back bitches!

CW: 78,4 kg/172,8 lbs (BMI 28,1)

Loss: 1,7 kg/3,7 lbs (in 3 weeks)

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

Yes ladies, I am back. I've had a break now, I've thought about all this real hard, and I have concluded that I can't quit it. I can't seek help, even though I have admitted to myself that I need it. My ED and cutting just means more than my health at the moment, my psyche is just not strong enough.
I decided to check out the opportunities, though. So today, I made a promise to myself: if Nicolaj passed his drivers test, I'd contact out school psychologist. He passed (which is a lot harder in Denmark. You have to be 18, it costs a fortune, and they're very strict. The failing statistics are, like, 40%). So I sent her a text message, saying I had these problems, and they affected my ability to focus on school, that I'd like to talk to her, and that I wasn't sure if she could help me, but I'd check it out.


Lately have been pretty good. Yeah, I have been purging, and yeah, I have been cutting. But I've felt a lot less suicidal, and seeing my weight drop made me regain confidence in myself. I'm happy, most times. Of course, I still hurt all the time. But that's the way it's been for the past 4 years, so that's nothing worry about.


I hope I haven't lost all of your love and support in leaving you for so long, focusing on myself, not reading or commenting your blogs. I hope some of you are still out there. I hope you believe me when I say, it's better now. I will get better. I will be reading again, commenting again, posting again.
I can't be away from Blogger for very long. I have been on every day, just reading old comments, looking at my blog's status and stuff. I'm addicted. And I don't want to get out of it.

My eating habits have been really fucked up lately. I have craved things that I have never craved before. Yesterday, I bought a jar of peanut butter, first time ever. Ever. Then I bought a lot of chocolate chip cookies, opened the jar, and dipped the cookies in the peanut butter. What the fuck?
It was all I ate yesterday. 1 role of cookies (150), and around 100 g. of peanut butter (510). Oh, and some yogurt with all bran for breakfast (146), some candy (150), and a pita döner kebab (500, probably more). I purged everything except the yogurt. And the last 5 cookies with peanut butter. I don't really know anymore.

Todays breakfast was melon, and the lunch will be salad. I'm afraid I'll jump on the bag of crisps I have at home, but at least I'll be with Nicolaj then, and I hope he'll try and stop me. Plus, I really, really need to go to the gym today! After having gotten an exercise bike at home (fuck yeah!), it has become far to easy to say "I'll just do it when I get home", then come home, and not wanting to do it.
So, gym after school. Then maybe, just maybe, Nicolaj will come and pick me up. If he can reach it. Otherwise, I'll take the bus as usual. When at home, I will probably eat something, 'cause my appetite has become huge. I mean, yesterday was for me a day where I ate little.  It's that crazy.
Right now, I'm sucking on sugar free drops. Arctic lemon. Real yummy stuff.

Hopefully, returning to the blog will help me get stronger. You girls are such a huge inspiration, and in letting me know that you are there for me, I develop this feeling that I must tell you something positive; that if not, I'm letting you down. I wont let that happen anymore. It's all I seem to do, and I'm sick of it.

I'm making a promise to myself now. Not to you, since I told you not to trust me. To myself. And you are all my witnesses. I swear to be honest from now on. To you, to the psychologist, and to myself. No more lies, no more hiding the truth from myself because it's too shameful to admit. No more. No.

For now lovelies, I don't know when I'll be back, but hopefully, very soon.
I love you all.
I though about you every single day while I was gone. I still do.
I have a never ending love for you.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

I guess I have some explaining to do...

I wish I had a better reason for having been gone for two weeks, with no warning at all. But I don't.

I wish I could tell you what the fuck is going on whit me, but I can't. I don't even know for sure myself.

Lately, I have been eating like a pig, gaining, starving, purging, cutting. I have been suicidal, hysteric, angry, happy, broken. Numb.

I have not been in control of anything, my emotions, my eating, my hands. I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. I'm just stumbling, falling, walking blind. I don't really know where I am, what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. School doesn't matter. Friends doesn't matter. Family doesn't matter. Sometimes, when it's worst, love doesn't matter. Nicolaj doesn't matter.

The only thing I can think about is how fat I am, how much of a failure I am, all the reasons I deserve being this miserable. I long to hurt, yet once I feel just a bit of hunger, I eat, I eat to make it all go away. Because as much as I truly believe I deserve this hurt, as much do I long to end the pain.

I know I'm sick. I know I'm suffering from a really bad depression, manic depression, a somewhat bad eating disorder, and cutting. Maybe I'm a bit OCD as well. I sure have suspected at times. When all the dark thoughts take over, and I don't feel like I have control over myself any more.

I know I should seek some help. But I can't. I just can't do it.

I walk around, wishing every single day that my parents would find out. But I don't want them too, 'cause then I would have to go to treatment. They would want to cure me.

They can't. There is no cure for this.

I just want them to see me, notice me. Realize how much I long their attention, how loud I scream for it, how I hurt for it. They don't see anything. They don't even notice the scars anymore.

I know I'm sick. But I deserve the hurt.

I might not be writing on the blog for a while. It's just all too much. I swear I'm not leaving you girls, not like this. But don't expect anything. Not even Blogger, who used to be my rock, can support me anymore.

I still love you girls.

I still admire you, adore you, care about you.

I'm just so fucked right now, it'll take a while to fix.

Until next time - who nows, it can be a day, a week, a month - I want you all to think. Just really, really think about what it is we are doing. Why are we doing this to our selfs? Don't we deserve happiness? Why do we long to hurt so bad?

I love you all. I really do.

- Bella ♥

Going up

Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down,
Like the needle in my vain you're bringing me down, down, down,
Like a dog who's gone insane you're putting me down, down, down,
And those of you who doubted me you're going down, down, down,
And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on?

I'm coming up!

And this world ain't gonna catch me going down!

Like the booze in my belly I'm going down, down, down,
And the twenty bucks in the alley I'm going down, down, down,
Like the tram that leaves your valley I'm going down, down, down,
For my ma who always honored me I'm going down, down, down,
For my pa who never wanted me can you feel what's going on?

I know it's cheesy, using the lyrics from a movie like Get Him To The Greek. But already the first time I saw that movie, this song spoke to me, it really spoke to me! The lyrics are just perfect for me - except maybe the part about the record man, but it felt weird cutting it out right in the middle of the lyrics.

I like the melody as well. I love the song. It's a shame that he continues on singing about breast-feeding. It kinda ruins the part where I feel united with the song.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing lately. Everything has just been crap, and I have been to embarrassed to admit that I failed on the second day of ABC. Plus, I felt like, if I just waited until something better came up, it would be easier telling you. Not that anything has come up, but I realized that this is, after all, my blog, and I can write whatever the fuck I want to!

So what if I failed? It's not like I haven't done it before, and it's not like it's not going to happen again. If I keep spending time on regretting my past, I will not have the time and energy to make the best out of the present, making my way onto the future. I need to keep working. Yesterday is done and over with, and crying won't bring it back for me to change the bad decisions I made.

So here I am, back on my horse, and trying again.

I have gained, I am so fucking fat, I don't deserve to live...

It's hard staying strong when all you want to do is die. All you do is fail.

I'm fasting with my ED buddy. She's aiming for a whole week. She's crazy. I can't go for that long without eating, and I'm not even going to attempt it. It'll just end up bad, I'll find my way tot he hospital or something. No, my plan is to simple go as long without food as possible. I must at least make my record, which is 50 hours. I'm currently, at 10am, on hour 12. I know that it's kinda cheating, counting the hours after dinner with it, but it just makes it easier for me, knowing how many hours I have gone without eating. And really, I haven't eaten since 10pm.

So, water fasting for at least 50 - 12 hours more. And when I say water, I mean water only. No diet sodas, no juice, no nothing. Normally, I allow every calorie-free drink, but when my ED buddy told me she's fasting for a week on water only, I felt really weak. So, to prove not only to her, to you, but also to myself that I am not the weak wreck I have been looking like lately, I am water-only fasting for days.

I will make it this time. I will not have reason to look back and cry anymore.

I don't know what I should tell you girls. I keep promising you things, things I should be able to keep, but I don't. I won't make you any more fake promises, I promise. From now on, if I know that there's the slightest chance I won't be able to make whatever I'm attempting to, I just won't make a promise that I'll make it.

I have such a hard time showing you guys  how much I love you. I keep telling you, but I never show it. I really can't understand how all those lovely comments can keep coming, how those soothing words can keep finding me. I don't deserve you. You don't deserve this. I can be better, I really can. I'll try. I'll try my God damn best. No more posts from me until I have commented every single blog that has been updated in the past month. And since I have my weekly weigh-in Wednesday, it would be great if I had done it before then. Now, I won't promise anything, 'cause I just said I wouldn't. But I will try my God damn hardest, I promise you that!

You're too good to me...

With so much love girls,

and a wish that you will all achieve your every single dream.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

---

Update

Forget everything I said. I am fat, I am failure. I will never be thin. I am a pig. A disgusting, gigantic pig. *Oink-oink*

Weekly weigh-in + ABC Day 1 (againagainagainagainagain)

Current weight: 80,1 kg/176,6 lbs (BMI 28,7)

Loss: + 0,8 kg/1,8 lbs

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

---

First off, I'd like to apologize to you lovelies. I am the worlds crappiest blogger, only overdone by how bad a follower I am. So sorry! But new, holiday's over and I'm back! I swear I will catch up on everything today, I will post a bunch of lovely comments, and I'll be super supportive! Is that ok? Can you please forgive me? *puppy-eyes*

---

So... A gain. Again (HAHA, that looks so cool! I didn't even think about that!). When will I ever find willpower? TODAY! This year must be different. This year is my fucking year! So now it's back on and just keep up.

I decided to start ABC again since... Well, I was just tired of not doing anything. ABC is better than nothing, way better. Also, it's a way to get back into restricting again, something I haven't been doing for a very long time!

These past couple of days has been bad. They have involved tons of fast food, meat, candy and everything else I could lay my hands on. And I haven't been purging. That's why I've gained. I just decided that I don't want to be addicted to that nasty habit anymore. Like, why waste money on food, if it's just going to come right back up? I don't have a lot of money as it is already, and then I decide to throw them away like that. I might as well just eat the money and throw them up, it's the same. I have become way to used to just being able to eat whatever the hell I want without gaining, just because I'm able to get it back up. I've lost control, and that, ladies, is not acceptable!

Also, there has been cutting again. And a lot more than it used to. It seems that since I developed this bulimia-thing, I have started to cut more. No, that's a lie. Since I started following SI blogs on Tumblr, I have started to cut more.

Oh my girls. What am I doing to myself?!

I ate an apple (61) for breakfas and a fresh breath (5,5)t. Normally, I don't eat breakfast at all, but I was feeling dizzy and faint, so I decided I might as well start my day by eating instead of fainting. I had a salad for lunch, consisting of only lettuce (16) and some dressing (105) to make it more interesting. And yes, I do drown my salad in dressing. I am so picky, if I didn't, I wouldn't even eat the stuff. Delicious, and as long as it's without the pasta and chicken I used to add, absolutely alright if you ask me. I have bought both rice cakes and a pack of strawberries on sale, on this time of the year! Fuck yeah! Yes, I love strawberries. I was thinking about eating those strawberries for dinner, along with some soup or something. I have calculated it all, and with the strawberries I'll only be on 290 calories. I'm allowed 500, so I can eat both some soup and some more fruit with that.

Here, I would normally have said bread. But I have decided to lay low on the fattening carbs, like pasta and bread and cheese stuff. I love all these things, so it's very, very hard for me to do. But I need to keep trying. It doesn't matter if I eat only 500 calories every single day, if they're all from chocolate and crisps and that sort of stuff. When restricting, I need to give my body what it really needs. That's why I've decided that the only bread I can eat is rye-bread, for the fibers, and the only cheese I can eat is... I don't know what it's called. It's like cream cheese, except it's not made of cream, but something much more healthy. It's still something you spread over the bread. WhatisthenameofitGARGHASDFGL.KM!

You know what I mean...

Google translate says processed cheese, but when I google images of processed cheese, it's NOT the same! Do you know cheesz dippers? It's like that! It's that kind of cheese that you dip the bread-stick in! You know? No? ... Never mind!

Picture!

So, lovelies. I've got to get back to my spanish class, translating weird spanish words from the assignment we just had into danish!

Until next time lovelies, take care. I love you so much, and I promise I will be reading and commenting and stuff as soon as I get home!

Love you so much.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Tomorrow is day 1.

Everything I have done so far is gone. Forgotten. Meaningless...

Tomorrow is day 1 of ABC.

Tomorrow is day 1 of fasting and restricting.

Tomorrow is day 1 of no more purging.
Tomorrow is day 1 of excessive exercising.

Tomorrow is day 1 of no more meat, bread and pasta.

Tomorrow is day 1 of being better in the school.

Tomorrow is day 1 of my diet.

Tomorrow is day 1 of my quest for perfection.

And this time, I will not fail!

---

Weigh-in tomorrow (FMAKLGNAKGSJDGNSDFGN!) plus a REAL post. Promise!