Finally fucking friday!

I know, I know, I swear too much. But seriously girls, this week has been hell on earth. It's crazy. Every single night have I gotten too little sleep, and every single day, I have been working my butt of in school. Biology report, preparations for exams, and worst of all, this years common study preparation years test (to translate directly. I don't know what the fuck it's called in English). We have to write a whole report about a specific subject - new themes each time - using two subjects. We do this 5 times a year, and the last time every year, it's also a test/trial exam. So both last year and this year, I actually have to work my butt of and worry about this thing, in the middle of my exam period, in order to go in, get a grade, and then that's it. It doesn't mean anything. If a get a shitty grade, it won't affect anything. Why we do this? So we can be prepared for the real exam on our third year. Bullshit.

Sorry, I just needed to get some of my frustrations from school out.

I haven't weighed in since Wednesday. I'm actually kind of proud.

All I had yesterday were a salad for lunch, a motherfucking huge apple, two wheat buns, and a quarter pack of Digestive. I shouldn't have eaten the Digestive, but I was just so hungry for something gross and sugar-filled. Believe it or not, but they were the healthy choice. And I didn't eat that many. Writing it like this, it seems like a lot. But usually, I eat way more than that. Like, that would be what I ate just while in school. Then more would be waiting for me at home. So not bad at all.

Today, I've had 406 calories (35 g. cereal - 121, 2 dl 0,1% milk - 76, one motherfucker apple - 77, toast bread - 92, butter on that -29, ham on top of that - 11) . Me! And I don't feel hungry at all. It's 5 p.m. in Denmark as I write these words, I've had 406 calories, and I'm not hungry. At all. In fact, I'll even try and see if I can get out of dinner too. *Break for 5 minutes*. Just told my mom. She's fine with it. Or, not fine. But she doesn't give me any crap for it.

I don't know if I'll make it through the weekend without weighing. But at the same time, I think it's causing me to eat less, not knowing what I weigh. Cause the fear of putting on is just so big, and I really, really don't want that.

Weekends are my bad days. That's why I put the official weigh-in on Wednesday. So I can get a fair result. Everyone's got bad weekends, but for most of you girls, a bad weekend means a day of 800 and a day of 900 calories or so. To me, a bad weekend means 3000+ calories both days. How can I even have an eating disorder when eating so much? I'm so disgusted by saying this out loud. Or... Writing it down. Potato tomato. But seriously, how gross is that?

At times like this, I get the feeling like I never want to eat, ever again. I have been doing a tiny bit better on restricting recently, and I'm really hoping it'll stick with me. So much.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have a friend of mine over. I actually talked about her once, a very long time ago. She suffered from anorexia for two years, but recovered 4 years ago. At her lowest, she weighed only 27 kg/59,2 lbs. At age 14. I didn't really believe her when she told me, but I've seen some pictures of her, read some stuff on the Internet about girls getting to ridiculously low weights, and I actually think it's true. Whenever I'm around her, I try to find excuses to talk about it. I'm obsessed with it. I always ask her how the fuck she managed to get that far, how she'd hide it, what excuses she'd use. I feel like a small pro-ana teen around her. We've all done it, I know it. God how pathetic I was, searching for tips on how to get an eating disorder back then. But that's the thing with Ana. Once she's in, she'll never really go away. Though with me, it's more like she's wrestling Mia, and Mia is winning right now. Anyway, back to my friend.

So, she'd praticaly fast for 2 weeks, and purge if she ate anything, even the slightest, keeping herself going on the sugar from regular soda. Then every second weekend, she'd have a massive binge, purge, and then repeat.

There'll probably be crisps, and sweets, and chocolate tomorrow night. She's almost fully recovered, hardly thinking about Ana anymore, and never letting her take over again. So she will be eating this stuff, and I'm so scared I'll be weak, oh so weak, and eat along with her. What do I do lovelies? :(

Sorry the post got so long. Again. I was just taken over by thoughts all of a sudden.
I really should rather just post more often, but smaller posts each time, don't you think?
I don't know...

Anyways.
I'm going to end it now.
Until next time loves,

Stay strong, thin think, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + Psychiatric department news

CW: 80,1 kg/176,6 lbs (BMI 28,7)

Loss: +0,2 kg/0,5 lb (in 3 weeks)

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

So. Not pleased about the weight. I was sort of hoping for it to stay below 80 kg/176,4 lbs, but then again, it's so little it's over, and it's possibly just a period gain.

The downside to having my period is, that I tend to eat a lot. Not because I'm craving more than I regularly do, but because I feel so bad if my stomach is empty and I have cramps at the same time. Therefore, I'm not pleased about today either. It's been pretty bad. I only purge twice. And I didn't get any of the fries up I ate. Those are gigantic fat and calorie bombs. So I will for sure have gained by tomorrow.

I have decided I'm going to try and not step on the scale more than once a week. I've tried it before, but I just kept putting on, because I didn't see the number go up when it was starting to go bad. By now though, I know my body so well, I can tell without a scale if I have gained or not with a, like, 98% accuracy. So maybe this time, it'll work out for me? I don't know. We'll see about that.

When I got home from scouts yesterday, there was a letter waiting for me from the youth psychiatric department. I've been called in for an interview on 25th of June. Great, you think. Wrong. At that time, I will be over 18, and therefore, I will no longer belong in the youth department. They therefore have to send me on the regular one after the interview, which has about 3 months additional waiting list. So basically, I'm screwed. 4½ months of waiting, I can't do that. I'll chicken out before it even gets to that point. I'll regret it, and I'll have enough time that I can just pull myself right back out of it.

The doctor says he'll call the psychiatric department and ask if he can start some treatment for me depression. Medication, of course. If they say go, which I'll find out in a week exactly, I'll get put on the anti-depressants, and we'll watch out how that works real good. The side effects are pretty serious, so they want me to call in twice a week, on top of the weekly meeting with them, to track how it's going.

I don't know.

Yes, I want to pills.

No, I don't want any more than that.

I guess I just wish to stay miserable, and at the same time, I want to stop being so damn sad all the time.

I deserve it, though.

Maybe that's why.

Receiving that letter, addressed to both me and my parents, meant I had to tell me dad though.
He took it very well. Too well. He barely responded to the fact that I suffer from an eating disorder, and a depression bad enough to be medicated. He knew I was cutting though. My mom told him that when he found the letter.
He just talked about as if I had told him I was suffering from a fever, or constipation or something. Something simple. Something that would go away again soon. Like it wasn't a real problem. Like it wasn't something important...
I don't know. We had a nice talk, thinking about who it was with. No one got mad, no one cried, no one yelled. That's what I put into a nice talk with my dad. He just told me hopped I wouldn't get medicated, since he's tried it himself. And then he told me he wish I'd stop smoking. It's a bad habit. And throwing up your food and breaking open your own skin isn't...

On a whole 'nother page. A friend of mine is starting at my gym, and he's asked if I want to start going with him. I told him yes, very much! I actually talked to my parents about gym last night, and we decided I used it too little for it to be worth it. But I told them to hold off for a month, so I can see if I'll go more with my friend. I'm thinking if we make a deal about going together, I'm going to have to hold it. So hopefully, I'll see some changes in my body soon. I always get really toned the first month, and then it stops. The minute I cut the exercise, the tone goes. Well, then I'll just have to keep it up this time!
I used to enjoy going to the gym. Very much, actually. It was a productive break from the hell I was - am - living in. But then a holiday came in the way, and I never really returned since then. I hope I'll enjoy it just as much with my friend as I used to. That would sure get me going.

Loves, I'm afraid that's all I've got for today. My creativity just doesn't go that far.
I'm trying to get back into my old blogging habits, when it was almost hard for me not to blog too much.
So watch out, 'cause there'll probably be a new post real soon :)

I love you girls. Really. You keep me alive.
You are the wind beneath my broken wings <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
 - Bella ♥

Has it really been that long? Time flies!

I swear lovelies, I had no idea it had been so long since I last updated. I totally forgot about it, about everything. So much is going on right now, and it's driving me crazy. Insane! More than I were before, yes.

I even missed a weekly weigh-in! I didn't even think about that, I swear!

First of, I saw my doctor again last Wednesday. They hadn't gotten an answer from the psychiatric youth department yet, but law permits them only 2 weeks, so by Thursday, I should get an answer, since it has then been 2 weeks since my doctor sent the request.

I told him I found the place where my mother hides our dangerous pain killers, those you die from taking too many off. He told me I should probably tell her that, so she could hide them from me somewhere else. I promised I would, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to do that. It's reassuring, knowing they're there. They're available.

Anyway. He also told me that there might be a waiting list, and that if it were too long, we'd start treatment with the doctor instead. He'd prefer to have the experts decide what to do, but as he says, I can't wait for months, feeling as bad as I do. I almost told him it's been like this for a year, that a few more months probably wouldn't hurt me. But then again, I really, really want those pills, so I can stop feeling so damn sad all the time. I don't care if I get addicted to them. It's better than being addicted to this sadness, to this pain. It's better than this.

I have to go again tomorrow. I'll go, and he'll tell me they haven't answered, and we'll talk about my cutting, depression and eating disorder for the past week. And then I'll get an appointment next week, and by then, they should have the answer, according to the law. Yippee.

Weighed in positive this morning, but I'm getting my period today, so I don't think it'll last for tomorrow. Just remember, whatever I weigh in at tomorrow, you probably have to count in at least 1 kg/2,2 lbs as bloating-gain.

Eaten 375 calories so far (2 cookies - I hate when my classmates have birthdays, and 1 chicken-and-bacon burger on rough bread). I don't think I'll be able to keep it at that, but I have a dentist appointment today, and scouts tonight, so I can't get too much more in. The burger was very small, but after the cookies, I needed something, or I'd go of in a sugar craving and binge on 2000+ calories.

Cross your fingers for me that I'll finally make a day without having to purge loves. It would be so huge to me.

Currently, I'm in school, having religion. We're having about Islam at them moment, and that always makes me think about my Sammywhammy. About her life, and family. About the rules, the norms. How can you be so different, and yet so perfectly like all of us?

And then I go on to all of you. Where are you? What are you doing at the minute? How was you day? How do you keep motivated, strong, beautiful, when I cannot?

Are you listening?

Are you thinking about me...?

When did the world lose it's colors? When did the stars stop shinning, when did the food turn to poison, friends to snakes, happiness to hopelessness? When did the world die, leaving us with nothing but ash, and cold, and broken dreams? Where did the world I grew up in go?

When did the world become so fucking depressed...

I can't remember the last time I cried girls.

I almost did it this morning, but after two tears and three sobs, it went away.

No matter how sad I get, I can't seem to cry any more. Finally. I have waited for this. I know what's coming next. The numbness. The I-don't-care/don't-mind-ness. The point where everything else will just disappear, and the only thing in my head will be my goals.

Maybe then, I'll be able to get somewhere.

If I don't lose 5 kg/11 lbs before summer, I will have broken my strike. I will not be able to say I dropped 10 kg/22 lbs since last summer, like I could this year. I can't chock people with my ongoing success (Hmpf. What success?). I will be a failure once more. I will die of shame, and not come out the entire summer...

I really need to lose this weight. I have no plan what-so-ever as to how, 'cause at this point, each day is so different, and a struggle of it's own. Some days, I have the strength to resist, and even under beneath 1500 calories a day (sounds like so much, but think about how much of it I purge then). Some days I just don't give a fuck, and I binge and I purge, and binge, and purge, and binge... And then there are these very rare days, where I'm able to stand of and not binge a single time. And there's no pattern as to how these days come.

Fuck...

I promise, I didn't forget you girls.

I'm just so busy.

I'll make time to do my weekly weigh-in tomorrow, and I'll tell you what the doctor said-

Promise.

I love you girls. So much.

You keep me going.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + Doctor's news

CW: 79,9 kg/176,1 lbs (BMI 28,6)

Loss: +0,4 kg/0,9 lb (over 3 weeks!)

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

 

I was at the doctors today. I told him about my self harm, eating disorder and depression. He made this test on me, and concluded that i definitely have a depression. I was hoping for some anti depressing pills or something like that. Like the ones Nicolaj will get, even though his is way less serious than mine. But no. He did that thing, that you are just not supposed to do with me. He sent me on. He fucking send me on in the system! Now I'm supposed to come back there in a week, and he'll tell me how much of a waiting list there is. He's subscribing me to the youth psychiatric department, with a priority mark. And I'm supposed to just wait for that, check in with the doctors now and then, to see if I'm getting worse.

No pills. No help. No hope. Nothing.

I just wanna cut, cut, cut until I bleed to death. Please let me die, let him see that I need some fucking help RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

I feel so... Let down. I have no hope left in me for ever getting better. Ever. I will have to live with this until the day I fucking die. Really. I will.

They all just keep sending me on. They don't want to deal with this fucked up wreck. Let someone else do it, that's fine. I'm fine. I don't fucking need your help. 

My mom just came in and talked to me. Asking what the doctor said. I broke down. Totally. I cried, and I told her every thing I just wrote above this, about how disappointed I am, about how little faith I have in this, and all that. And she just held me, and told me that she was so happy that finally, finally, I was gonna get better. She apologized for never having been able to do anything about it herself, for having been such a bad mother in that way. And I just cried, and let her hold me, let her tell me that everything is going to be fine. I just sat in her arms, and felt safe, and loved, and finally, I started to believe her when she said that I was probably gonna get the pills later, that these conversations and the psychiatric was gonna be good. And now she's gone, and I'm already back to the "no hope" point again. I love her so much, but why does she have to make such bad choices all the time? She makes me feel safe, like home...

My weight has been going down for the past couple of days, and I really don't want to jinx my just haven gotten under 80 kg/176,4 lbs, so I have been very careful today. Unless I break it in the 3 hours or so I have until bedtime, I should have lost again for tomorrow, and if I can keep this up until the end of the weekend, maybe this time I'll be able to stay under 80, finally. I just have stay focused. It's only a few days. Sure I can make it... Maybe.

I'm not sure how much longer I can make it. My body is starting to show signs of my fucked up eating habits. My heart is starting to beat real fast, so fast I get dizzy, every single morning. My legs are starting to give away under me, like I'm going to trip, all the time. And I'm sure that the bad sleeping isn't the only reason for my being so fucking tired all the time.

I know I should just eat a little and go to the gym.

I know that would be a lot healthier, that I would lose way more that way.

I know this, don't think I'm stupid. It's just not that easy, it's not that simple. It's not a "just". It's so fucking hard. I hate when people tell me to do this. They don't fucking know how I feel, okay? Just because you're able to starve yourself for days and work out 2 hours every fucking day, doesn't mean I can do the same, okay? I don't have the same strength, the same self control! I'm just a pathetic, weak piece of shit. I'm nothing. I'm not even worth all your "good" suggestions, so why don't you just piss off, please?

 

Sorry. I went a bit nuts over a friend of mine, thinking she knows my body better than me, thinking I can just follow her diet. Well, I can't. It's just not that easy. Sorry.

 

 Music is gonna be my anti depressant for now. I've gone into my very own music therapy.

Good luck with all of your plans lovelies. I hope you're doing better than me, and least psychic, if nothing else.

I love you. You girls keep me alive (I even told my doctor that).

You really do. I love you girls, with every single piece of my heart. Or what's left of it, at least.

 

And I still hate this new Blogger design ._.

 

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Important question (And sorry for being so lame)

First of all, I do have the weights for my two missed weekly-weigh in, and I will write it in the box on the right as soon as I finish this post. I don't know why I never posted them, I guess I've just got too much going on right now. My depression has taken over, and the last couple of days have been spend eating, purging, cutting and crying. Plus handling Nicolaj's depression as well.

But really, everything is looking up on that. Nicolaj's got an appointment at the doctor today, and I've got one on Wednesday. I'm going to tell the doctor about my depression, self-harm and bulimia, and hope he can help me get out of it.

I'm not going fully into recovery though. I just want to stop purging, to stop being so addicted to eating and eating and puking and puking. I don't want to ruin my teeth, or my neck, or anything that way.  Instead, I want to learn how to eat less, something the doctor probably will help me with, if I just say that it'll help me to not purge.

I'm hoping to get some antidepressants or some counseling or something for the depression. If they don't help me out, if they just advice me to seek a shrink, I'm gonna give up. I've been trying for so long, I'm so sick of always being sad, of always urging to harm myself, of always feeling like dying. If they wont give me help when I ask for it, I'm gonna make them practically force me to accept help. I'm ready to be happy again.

Now, to the important question, that I'm not asking for myself, but for my ED-friend (remember, I told you about her before?). Anyway. Remember, I'm not a crappy friend for doing this. I don't want her to be ill, but I want to help her reaching her goals. She's the only person I know IRL who really, truly understands how I feel.

She's a very impatient person, she's pretty strong-willed, and she's determinative to become skinny fast. Does anyone know a good diet for very fast weight-loss? It doesn't matter whether it lasts afterwards or not, as long as you lose weight fast.

She's a vegetarian, and she doesn't eat more than a couple hundred calories a day. Can anyone recommend something?

Damn, I really hate the new Blogger design. It's horrible! I can't work it out at all. I hate the way you see the blogs you follow, the way you can edit and add and all that on your own, I hate it all. It sucks. I want the old one back.

So... As I mentioned earlier, I have not been a good girl. I was so close to getting lower than ever, and then I picked back up all the weight again. I'm ashamed. I have been eating really, really bad. My diet is crazy. Take as an example yesterday: 3 pieces of rye bread with dark chocolate = 200, sandwich with egg salad = 400, 1 pack of chocolate chip cookies = 1080, 2 bags of sweets = 1030. Purged the sandwich plus a bit of the rye bread, the cookies, and half the sweets or so. My weight didn't do anything. I neither gained or lost on a day like that.

What have I done to myself, to my body?

This is the reason I want to stop binging/purging, and just eat less. Just 800 a day or so at first, that's shouldn't be so hard. That used to be a dream day for me. Know, I eat minimum 3 times that amount a day.

I can't feel my body any more. I can't ever feel whether I'm full or not. I feel the hunger, and then I eat and eat and eat, and even when I try, I honestly can't feel when I'm full any more. I always just feel like I can eat more, like I need more in order to feel good. Sometimes, I eat until I can't eat no more, until the purging almost happens automatically. I just feel like I need to eat all the time. And I would love to just eat low calories snacks all day, but I'm so fussy with food. I don't like carrots, or celery, or bell peppers, or anything that'll keep my full. I like cucumber, apples, strawberries, pears and melon. And that's about it. The strawberries and melon is expensive, the pears and apples always gets eaten in 2 days when my mom finally buy them, and the cucumber, I got tired of after about 200g.

Can anyone recommend me any sweet, delicious or something like that-snack that I can bring around in a container, so I can eat anytime I want to?

Oh loves, I'm so embarrassed by how I've been treating you. I promise, it'll never happen again. Never ever!
I love you so much. And I'm gonna get better for you, so I can make positive posts and inspire you all. I will be that blogger some day, I promise! For you <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in - at last!

CW: 79,5 kg/175,3 lbs (BMI 28,5)

Loss: +0,7 kg/1,5 lb (over 9 weeks!)

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

 

Yes girls, I finally got below the 80's again, and I even felt strong enough to post it. The weigh-ins are back! Also, I'm planning on irritating my mother until she takes me with her to the gym today. I haven't been to the gym since... Well, since I stopped posting my weekly weigh-ins, actually. What a waste of money. But, I'm back now. I'm stronger. I can feel it.

As of Sunday night, throughout Monday, and into the middle of yesterday, I managed to do a 36 hour fast. It doesn't sounds like much, but the last time I managed to fast for even just 24 hours was in December. So yeah, I feel very motivated!

Yesterday was not that good eating wise, though I still managed losing some weight.

I had some rye bread with cheese, along with some cookies, a pizza, half a tube of crisps, and some candy. I purged the rye bread, the cookies and the pizza. I don't feel too bad, binging after my fast, 'cause I purged most of it, and it felt so nice to actually have a reason to purge, instead of just feeling super bulimic and purge over one stupid meal. I definitely intend to go on this way, which is fasting and only purging when binging. I'm actually 12 hours into my newest fast already, which I hope will last for at least 48 hours. I don't know about that, but we'll see. It'll only work if I find a way to avoid dinner. So we'll see.

I really, really need to start counting calories again. It's just... When I turned bulimic (I have no problem at all saying this. It feels so strange to be able to admit it so easily!) my daily intake just rose to a point where I stopped counting because I was too ashamed to see it, even if I was the only one who would ever know.

Well, no more. I will fast, restrict, exercise, count. I will go back to that period of my life, except this time, I'll be stronger. Seriously, I'm only 1,2 kg/2,6 lbs from being at my lowest ever while having this blog. That's like, nothing! If I really do manage to fast today and go to the gym, that'll be reached way before the next weigh-in!

Now, speaking directly to everyone who read my last post, the worlds greatest followers, and everyone else who might care: I'm sorry for all the depression-trips these posts are taking. I'm sorry I'm such a selfish bitch. I promise, from now on, I'll think twice before posting anything! Not just post in rage, or while tears are streaming down my face. I can't guarantee there'll be no more of those posts, but the number of them should really drop considerably. I mean, I come here to get my feelings out, but not to make you girls feel bad.

I was touched by the comments you left me. And also just by how many read it. How many cared for me out there. Care.

I can truly say, you are the best girls. I love you so very, very dearly!

Now, to something entirely different! I was at the movies with Nicolaj Monday evening, and we watched The Hunger Games. I know these books are a huge deal in the US, and I'd love to read them, really. But to be honest, I didn't think the movie was super great. I mean, it's not like I came out like"OMG, HURRY UP, I NEED TO BUY THE EFFING BOOK!" or anything. It was a good story with a nice plot. But it wasn't any more than that to me, to be honest. Sorry to every lover out there. I just came to think about it when reading someone on Facebook cheering for it up to the release.

I guess I'm just more of a sexy, bloody, vampire-y kind of girl.

 

My broken finger is really starting to annoy the hell out of me. The wound on it is itching like hell, and I still have to keep it in the bandage for 2 more weeks. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make that.

How it happened? Well, I was down but the scouts, and we were taking down the swing my patrol had made as our pioneer project. So, we were pushing the rafts, and then suddenly, the ones standing beside me lost control of theirs, which resulted in my finger getting squeezed between the raft I was holding, and their raft, landing on top of it. I got the nastiest wound - the damn thing tore up the skin on my finger! - and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna loose my nail. Plus, of course, the bone broke a little. So, not exactly the perfect night.

At least the pain kept me from eating for almost 18 hours after it happened. But then the guys at the ER fixed it, and I started stuffing my fat face. Sigh.

Oh well, at least you guys are now updated on pretty much everything in my life at the moment. God, what a long ramble of random stuff. Just like I used to make them!

So girls, I'm gonna smoke now. You all take care of yourself until next time I write you!
I love you girls :)

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Broken bones ain't got nothing on me

I'm so broken girls. And I'm not talking about my finger - yeah, I broke my finger last Tuesday, hence the lack of posts. My inside is so very, very broken. A broken butterfly. I can't fly. I'm too fat for that. All I can do is lay here on the floor, when I ended up when trying to take of, to fly away from this world, and hope no one steps on me. I'm surprised my x-rays didn't show cracks in my entire hands, 'cause I feel like every single little piece of me has fallen apart, like there's nothing left to hold me up. 

I feel like there's no need for me here. Everything I do, it's useless. No matter what I do, no matter how much I put myself into it - all the tears, all the sweat I ever spill - it ends up as just another insignificant waist of effort. I'm not sure how long I can take this, this insignificance, this waist. I'm waisting away. Not literally of course, 'cause when was I ever really able to keep my big mouth shut and my self-control up? But on the inside... I'm dying, and nobody sees it. I'm falling apart, breaking a little more every day, and still, people think I'm fine. Nobody really cares.

So many people knows about my scars, my battles. Parents, friends, teachers. They all say they're here for me, advising me, telling me to get some help. But where are they all, when my world falls apart? When I'm sitting alone in my room, crying, bleeding?

No one. No one is there for me.

Ever.

81,4 kg/179,5 lbs this morning. Not - Good - Enough.

This has got to stop. I can't go on eating this much. Bulimia was never supposed to be my method. Starving is alright. But this constant purging... I can't take it. It's so easy. So simple. It doesn't hurt. And you don't have to hold back for nothing. But I can't go on like this. I have to stop eating. I have to lose weight, instead of just maintaining around the same 3 digits all the time. I have to starve. To feel the pain. To count the calories. It has been so long. I need it. I need to go back to it. I need control. I will have it. I will have control.

The nurse at the hospital, a very cute young man - kind of reminding me about Kevin Alejandro, actually - saw my arm when he had to clean the wound on my finger. He asked me "Did you hurt your arm too? What happened?". My mom and Nicolaj looked at me, and then my mom told him "No, it's nothing" at the same time I did.

Nothing happened to me, you're right mom. Just close your eyes and pretend nothing happened. Your little girl doesn't cut, she doesn't throw up your food. Sure, you hear her tell you so herself, but why take it seriously? No, just pretend nothing ever happened, that's right. That's easier, I'm sure. For you.

I can't wait for the day something finally happens. The day someone finds me unconscious, dying. I can't wait for the day they'll be holding my lifeless body in their arms, finally, finally crying for me. And it'll be too late. They won't be able to go back and make it all not happen. They won't be able to do anything, while the doctors are fighting to save my life.

This is the dark corner of me, the one no one ever sees.

They'll never know.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I know this isn't what most of you want to see.

You won't know what to say. You'll be disgusted, just by reading it.

But this is my blog. This is what I made it for.

I don't expect anyone to cheer about that. But it's the truth.

I don't want to hurt you girls.

You are the only ones I have.

The only ones who knows, who understands.

And if there's any feeling left in me at all, you are the ones to make me feel it.

Love. There's still love in me.

I love you girls. Really.

I'll write you soon. Really. I'm getting better with the finger and all.

Until next time girls, take care.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥