Crappy weekend

Yeah, I'll just repeat myself so you guys get it completely: I've had a crappy weekend. Like, real crappy. Friday, I stayed in Køge with me ED friend, and we did a little shopping and stuff. I found the most wonderful dress for New Years Eve, but it was soooo expensive. I had to have my mom pay it, and she'll just take the money out of my next salary. Sigh. I have already spent almost all next months money, and we're not even there yet? On a dress that I will only wear to formal paties, since I never use the same dress for several parties in a row.

Actaully, the dress made me real happy. Also, I was able to fit into a size large, instead of the size xtra large I have always been using.

Then Saturday, after a long Friday night - big fight with Nicolaj, sigh - me, Nicolaj and my mom went to Waves, a big shopping center, to buy me some winter boots and a warm jacket. We found the jacket, a real pretty one, and again in a size large, but no boots. The we separated with my mom because she had to buy my present. I told Nicolaj that I wanted to ask her for lunch at Subway, and then he got all like, "I just think you're using her too much, spending all her money". I have no idea where it came from. Neither does he. Well, I asked my mom, and at first she was like no, but then when I told her that we didn't need it anyway, she got real pissed because she'd just accepted to do it. And I broke down. In the middle of the mall, yelling at my mom, I just totally broke down. I hid my face in Nicolaj's jacket, and I kept my gaze down. Luckily, I wasn't wearing any make-up. And of course, when breaking down, you don't really think about food, right?

Sunday wasn't any better, food wise. We decorated the Christmas tree and listened to Christmas music, me, Nicoalj and my mom. Had to say goodbye to Nicolaj, and I was so sad all evening.

My weekend have definitely been controlled by mood-swings, and I don't get my period until tomorrow. Seriously, how much worse can it get?

 

So far, today haven't been any better. I've eaten 3 pieces of fruit, a chicken salad, and then tons of chocolate cookies and candy. Like, why? I wasn't even hungry. It was just there for me to eat, so I did it. I have really gotten out of control, and in the worst way possible. It's like, I could do it if I tried. But lately, I've just found myself not even trying to try. I really should, and I know, as soon as I finish the book I'm reading now and begin Wintergirls, I'll be all over it. But until then... I've been gaining. And it hurts, it hurts to look at that number. Just above 80 this morning, and I hate it!

Gym after school. Hopefully, that'll get me together so I'll be able to start a fast this evening. I'll try and finish my book today, since I'm not going to be with Nicolaj anyway. I know that I'll do better once I begin.

I really really want to reach my goal of hitting 78 by New Years Eve, but then I MUST STOP EATING so fucking much. Girls, please help me out here. Tell me I'm better than that, that I don't need that food, tell me to put that fucking cake down RIGHT NOW! Be harsh on me! I need to hear it. I need to know that I'm not just letting myself down, but you as well. Nicolaj's too sweet with me, and my parents too. But it's not okay. I need to get myself together! Someone, kick me in the butt, slap me in the face! Shake me up!

I have a curve. It tells me what I should weigh at which days in order to reach my goals. Today, for the first time ever, I was right at that curve. So I can only just reach my goal, if I just get myself together now. I need to do this! I can do this! I will do this!

Oh girls, I need to leave you now.

I really, really need to get my fat ass down to that gym!

I will write you tomorrow, and I promise, tonight, I'll make time to comment on every single blog I'm following. As long as the post's new of course, but you know what I mean!

Until then love, take care of youself.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

(Yesterday's) Weekly weigh-in + ... Nothing...

CW: 79,5 kg/175,3 lbs (BMI 28,5)

Loss: 1,6 kg/ 3,5 lbs

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I know I should be happy. I was happy about this Monday, when I first got under 80. I haven't been under 80 for almost 3 years, I calculated yesterday. I should be so freaking happy that I shot through the fucking ceiling, just by pure happiness. But no.

Yesterday was a bad day. One of those days where you wake up, and you can just feel that you're going to gain. That you're going to eat, and nothing will be able to stop you. I had one of those days yesterday. And I feel very much like it's going to be the same today. I did gain, I did eat, and I'm about to do just the same today. I hate myself, really, passionately hate myself. I'm in a total fuck-up mood, and that is really, really bad, 'cause I'm so close to being in the 80's that even just 1 day can ruin it all.
Class ends in 5 minutes. So in 2 lines, you'll probably hear all about the sandwich I ate in the meantime...

 Oh no, no sandwich. Just a big, fat wheat bun with butter on in. Why I am so fucking fat all the time? I would love to go purge, but I'm in class, and I can't just go.
I'll try in the 5 minute break we get in 20 minutes. It might be too late, but I have to try.
I can't think of school right now.
I can't think of anything besides being fat. That bun, swimming around in my stomach. I can still taste the butter in my mouth, feel it on my teeth. Smell it. It's on my fingers...

Past break: So, I tried purging, and I sucked. I got up maybe 2% total of what I'd eaten... I think I'll buy cookies for lunch and purge them, hoping that some of that bun will come up in the end. Or maybe just a sandwich. More expensive, but I can get that in the cafeteria. I can't with the cookies, I'd have to go to the supermarket across the street, and stand in line fore ages.

Hours later: So, today has definitely been a binge day. And purging. But more binging that purging. I have eaten so much, I honestly can't recall all of it.
Girls, I'm so worthless at the moment. I was supposed to go to the gym with my mom today, but she really didn't feel like it. We had to drive my sister though, so once we'd dropped her off, we headed for the Mc Donalds. I had one chicken Caesar salad and a big chocolate milkshake. Who the fuck orders milkshake with their salad?! Damn I'm fucked.
I've had chocolate, spaghetti with meat sauce, wine gums, sandwich, cake, that bun in the morning, and my salad and milkshake. I remembered it all, huh? Didn't purge the bun, the sandwich, the cake, the salad or the milkshake. So I will have gained for tomorrow, and I will have gone over 80, even though I just got under it.

I will not weigh myself tomorrow. I will not eat tomorrow. I will not fail anymore.
I will be an inspiration to all of you beauties.
I will be better.
I will be thin.

Oh, and by the way, I just picked up Wintergirls at the bookstore. So excited to read it! I always do better with the fasting when I'm reading books about anorexics. I have 3 already. Well, 4 now. They are like my bibles - they inspire me to do better. Well, along with the real bible. I am a Christian, after all. But you guys get what I mean, aye?

I'm so sorry girls.
I almost never comment on your posts anymore.
I can't inspire you nay more, because I'm not in controle.
I don't have any diet plans.
All I do is write about my failures all the time.

I love you girls.
I really, really do.
It hurts so much when I log on and notice that I have no comments. Even though I know its my own fault. It's been so long since I've commented on your blogs. Especially the ones that always are here for me, the ones who always comments on my blog. I swear girls, I'm gonna get better! I really, really, really am!

I love you all!
Never ever doubt it!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Fasting - because it works!

So, I managed to fast for 48 hours before eating again.

When I weighed in after almost 36 hours, my weight hadn't changed a bit. That made me so bummed, I ended up eating last night, once past the 48 hour mark. Not that I was hungry. I actually wasn't, not at all. I could have made it through the night and into today. But I was so horribly tempted by those crisps down by the hut. I started of with just rice cakes with cheese. But in the end, I was to weak-minded. I was so depressed, having been at two social events that day and not eating when everyone else does. I just though that I wanted to try and behave normal, behave like everybody else.

Ended up eating way too many crisps and purged that night.

Then today, it just continued. A lot of bread for breakfast. It as low-calorie, but it was nothing but carbs. I ate 5 slices, 373 calories, with chocolate on it. Tried purging, but I couldn't really get more than maybe 1/5 up. On the way home, I stopped for a pizza. Tried purging that as well, and that didn't work out anyway.

Then, before I took a shower, I went on the scales. And holy fuck, if this continues to Wednesday, I have reached a new lowest weight ever! Those 48 hours really did make a difference!

So, I have decided that fasting will be the way to go. It was so much easier than I remembered it having ever been. And it works so amazingly!

Whenever I purge, I get maybe 50% up. That still leaves tons of calories, and that's also why my weight has  been standing still the past couple of weeks or so. With fasting, there's no calories at all. And for some reason, my bulimic period has made it much easier for me to fast. I have never experienced it being so easy before. And I'm just so super excited 'cause of the low weight. This is a feeling I haven't felt for over a year! A fucking year!

Can I get a FUCK YEAH?!

So, I started this fast about... When did I finish the pizza? 2.30pm max. Lets say that! So until 4.30pm Tuesday, I will not eat. 50 hours of fasting. Liquid fast, soup and yogurt not allowed. A juice box if I start to feel real bad, but else, just water and diet coke.

I can't wait 'till Wednesday, when I get to tell you all about the new weight. I can say that I weigh less now, right at this moment, than I have ever done while having this blog. And it's pretty close to a year old by now. The 22nd, actually. So this is pretty fucking major to me. I can't really describe it. It's the feeling that finally, for the fist time in a long time, there is a chance for me. That I will one day be able to be thin. That I won't always have to be this disgusting. That I am finally, finally doing something right! Like... Like maybe, one day, there will be hope. There will be a chance that I can be happy, and not having to battle this hell every single day!

Okay, one thing at a time. I'm still fat. But I'm closer to not being fat than I have been for a long, long time.

Other than that, there really isn't much going on in my life. For once, everything just seems to be quiet and good. No family troubles, no boyfriend troubles. School still sucks, but in some way, it sucks a bit less. Holidays are close. Christmas is in the air, no matter where you turn. And somehow, even though it's December and there's christmas sweets everywhere, I am losing. I am finally losing! I will go into the new year being thinner than I was when I entered it. And I promise, promise, that after the holiday, I will be working on improving my grades. I really do want to graduate. I really do want to be able to get the job of my dreams, whatever that is. Everything is just looking up at the moment. And I like it, I like it very much :)

Also, I have been improving very much at the gym. This week, I've been lazy going, but overall, I can feel myself getting better and better. Now, I can run for maybe 15 minutes without stopping. 3 months ago, I couldn't run for 5. So I'm going to the gym tomorrow, see if I can make it to 20. If not, I will at least be doing 15, and then just walk the 5 last in a very high pace, uphill. Then the exercise bike, the weights. Whatever I'll feel like. I don't like to schedule my exercise too much, 'cause then it just gets too boring. I just do whatever I feel like the most, and because that's what I feel like, I'll do better at it too. So yeah, we'll see how tomorrow works out.

Girls, I know that I'm not the best at commenting. I comment so rarely, and I understand why you guys get tired of always commenting my posts, since I never comment on yours. But never ever doubt that I am reading them. I read every single post. The best time of the day for me is always when I update Blogger and see a new post since the last time. You girls totally make my day!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

104. I'm so out of titles for my posts by now...

Mostly, when I purge, I don't binge beforehand. I just eat something that I feel I wasn't supposed to eat. But not in huge binges, where I just eat and eat and eat, until my stomach is so full it hurts.

Yesterday, I binged. I'd had a bad day from the beginning, and when my sister came home with homemade cookies, I just totally freaked. It started out with maybe 10 cookies, then two pieces of toast, and some of my lunch (which I hadn't brought to school because I didn't want to eat it). I tried purging afterwards, but it just didn't want to come up!

Lasagne for dinner. I didn't purge that one. Why didn't I purge? Oh yeah. Because I'd already purged 3 times that day.

I also ate some sausage rolls earlier, bought for money that I don't have, only with the purpose of purging them as soon as I'd eaten them. I know that if I don't get this fixed right now, I'll be doing this for years. When I move out, I'll be using every dime I have on food that I'm not going to enjoy, because I know I'll have to throw it all up again.

I'm not going to have that kind of money.

I need to do something, fast.

Fast. That's it.

Today, I'm fasting. I even told my classmate, though I told her it was for another reason. I told her that since I'm a" vegetarian", and she saw me put chicken on my salad and eat it, that it was to cleanse my system for the meat that I ate, because I was that horrified about it. Which I am. I really, really wish I could stay away from meat, 'cause I think that what's being done to these animals are horrible! It's just that with this eating disorder, and knowing how few calories chicken and fish has, and how many good things they have, I'm like "I don't get enough protein, or enough of these fats and aminos and all that shit, so I'll just eat this instead of something high calorie, and be much more healthy"-ish. I wish I could be a vegetarian, but I'm so picky. I hate most vegetables, and I don't really like meals that comes with a lot of healthy stuff on the side. For me, a salad is lettuce, cucumbers and chicken. Usually some dressing, since my salad is quiet boring and dry if I don't add it.

My ED friend wrote me last night, told me she was feeling like shit. She hadn't eaten in 4 days, and intended to continue until tonight. Today, she's all quiet, and she looks so sick. I feel so sorry for her. Still, I can't help but admire her. Even though she feels like shit, she still keeps on going. Because her will-power is greater than her psychical needs.

She's the reason I'm fasting today. That, plus, my weight has just been going up-up-up lately. Last time I wrote I would fast, I failed badly. Not today.

I'm actually planning to try and fast through-out the weekend. Saturday until Sunday, I'll be having a movie night with the scouts of my patrol, along with those of my best friends. There'll be socializing, crap movies, crisps, cake, soda and tons of other crap. But as long as I have my diet coke, I'll survive. I think I'll bring 4 liters just for me. That's 1,05 gallons or 16,9 cups for those of you who use that. So yeah, I will have a lot. And I'll need to bring some safe food, in case I get too hungry. I suck at fasting, and I'm very, very good at convincing myself that I deserve that or that, that it's okay too eat, that I can still make it. I'll need tons of safe food, actually. Fruits and rice cakes and all sort of stuff. Anything that can keep my fingers of the crisps.

But mainly, I'll try and fast.

Gym today. Actually, gym in 3 hours. With no food in my stomach. Should be good. I always feel like I burn more when I haven't eaten. Do you know the feeling?

It's like, sometimes, you can feel that you're burning calories. With every breath you breath out, you can feel something leaving you. Warm air. You know that it's because you're working hard, 'cause it's not something that happens normally. To me, that feels like breathing out calories. Like they're leaving my body through every exit they can find, the sweat that tickles down my skin is calories leaving, my breath, my nose running like it does sometimes, when you really, really work out.

That's what I'm aiming for today.

Also, I have started keeping a food journal on me all the time. It's supposed to help me not over-eating, and therefore, not purging. Sometimes when you eat durring the day, it doesn't really feel like anything. But when you write it all down, look at it that way... It really does help.

It's a small note book, where I write down the date, what time it is, what I eat. Today is the third day I'm doing it, so it's not that big yet. I should start using it to work out a total calorie intake, but I don't weigh the food, so I won't be able to know for sure. I always guess, since most of the time I ate, it's either something mixed, or it's eaten somewhere away from home, where I don't have a scale.

I'll work on that one!

Sending all of you lovelies lots and lots of love!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Football

Weekly weigh-in + plans...

CW: 81,1 kg/178,8 lbs (BMI 29,1)

Loss: 0,6 kg/1,3 lbs

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I am not happy girls. I am not happy at all. 2 days after my weigh in, I was very much lower than this! This sucks. I hate myself...

I didn't fast yesterday. After school, I went home to my granddad. I always eat there, and I know it. So why the hell did I go? I know, I know. It was raining, and cold, and there was 1 hour until my bus was leaving. But I would have survived it for crying out loud! Much better than I survive this. Gaingaingain. Not since last time, that's right. But the last couple of days... I have sucked. Big time.

I found out something that shocked me so bad yesterday. I once read that you can purge maybe 2/3 of what you eat. Yesterday, I was at this medical site, and they said that you can maximum purge 50% of what you ate, and that was in the extreme case. Like, what the fuck? So when I eat 4000 calories a day, 2000 still remains inside me!
I have come to understand better why I have been gaining recently, now that my body has adjusted to purging. So I have decided that I am going to kind-of restrict, and only purge if my daily intake goes over... Well, that's really about how I feel. 'Cause if I eat only salad and fruit, and still go over 1000, I will let it stay in me since it's all healthy stuff. But if I eat just one bag of crisps, maybe 700 for the day, I will purge, 'cause that's some of the most icky and fattening stuff I know. So yeah, I can't calorie limit it. It will be about how healthy I eat.

I have already made me a salad for lunch. 1/3 salad, 1/3 chicken, 1/3 pasta, with a delicious curry-dressing on top. I know I shouldn't have added the pasta, but else, I would be eating only salad and chicken. You see, I'm really picky. The only thing I like in my green salad is the salad and cucumber. And they don't have cucumber where I buy it! Stupid salad-table-thingy.

Gym with my mom tonight. I'm going to go for 200 calories burned on the treadmill, 100 on the exercise bike, 100 by toning. Don't know if I'll add anything to that. I'd like to. But my mom is always done so fast, I feel like I can't spend any more than 50 minutes down there. I know she's only anxious for us to get done because of my dad. But it still annoys me.
I just wish my dad didn't rule my life like he does. I don't think that he gets, that the reason why my siblings, my mom and me do as he wants us too is not out of love and respect, but out of pure fear. I really don't think that he can see just how lousy a dad he is. Sometimes, I wish he'd never had children, 'cause it sure as hell hasn't been easy growing up with him.
I'm so looking forward to turning 18. He'll still have power over me since I still live at home, but I will have a reason to get a private life, like having my own bank account without him checking up on what I spend my money on, and him being able to just take my money if he feels like it. Not that he's ever done it without a reason, don't worry. But still, I'll feel better when I feel like my life is actually MY life.

I'll move out as soon as I can. Nicolaj and I have already planned it.
We're not sure about where we'll move, 'cause we have to make sure that it's close to where we're getting educated. But we have talked about moving to Jutland, which is bigger than Sealand, and therefore have more opportunities when talking educational. We'll get some tiny apartment that will take up most of our money, and we'll live on pasta and ketchup, but by golly, we'll be independent, we'll love it, we'll take care of our self, and we'll live our lives the way we fucking want to! Okay, I guess that's just me.
Plus, we'll be able to have sex whenever we want to, where ever we want to, and we won't have to hurry back into our pants so we wound be busted. Yes please!

One more thing.
Girls, I love you so very much, and I love how supportive you always are, and how much you care for me when I don't deserve it at all! But I might as well be honest, I'm going to get recovered from anything anytime soon. I don't want to recover from anything. All I care about is losing weight. And even though I'm scarred, I'm not going to change that. Please stop telling me to stop purging. It's just not that simple, and I know you're only caring for me, but really, it won't happen. Don't waste your time loves, you're too good for that.

I love you all, okay?
I reallyreallyreally do!
You are way to good for me, and you better know it, you beautiful butterflies!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Stressed out!

Today was one of those days where everything, from the very moment I got up, indicated that I should have just stayed home. So what the hell am I doing now, sitting in school, drinking my stupid diet coke? Which by the way tastes like shit. I'm too poor to buy the good one.

My weight has gone up since yesterday, and it's my weigh-in tomorrow.

The new armband I just bought for me and Nicolaj (he has one with my name, I with his) is already broken.

I ruined my only clean pair of socks this morning when I was dragging them on.

In history today, which begins in 5 minutes, we have to work in groups. That the teacher has made. And mine is completely shit. I'm with the most lazy, non-caring people in my class. And one of them, I really can't stand. No one really can.

If my absence wasn't 0%, I would so have stayed home today. I thought about it for a really, really long time. If today doesn't turn out either 1) catastrophic or 2) fantastic, God have just decided to screw with me today. Either it was a sign something bad was coming, or it was a sign something good was coming. If none of it, He's probably just really, really mad at me for crying all the way through my prayers last night, being so selfish. I don't know which one of those possibilities it will be, though.

And hell - oh, I mean class - has begun...

I have decided to fast today. And I would love if I could get tomorrow included in that as well, but I won't make unrealistic goals for myself anymore. I know, 2 days is not unrealistic for any true ED girl. But for me, it is.

Seriously, yesterday was crazy. I purged 7 or 8 times. In one day. And I didn't even purge my breakfast. You can guess how much I ate then. It was like, I bought 2 bags of crisps, and ate them in 3 sessions, 'cause after half an hour, I went out to purge it. Just to go back in my room and eat more of them. I felt so bad yesterday. I knew I would gain. And still, I kept on going. I was feeling like shit the entire time. I felt so horrible.

There was nothing glamorous about me at that point. There's nothing glamorous about any eating disorder. They just sort of make you believe there is, if you can obtain true perfection. Ana and Mia both promise you that if you get skinny enough, not eating and/or purging will be glamorous, because you'll be in so much power. Really, it's shit.

I hate it. I hate my eating disorder. I wish I could get rid of it. I just wish a little bit more that I could be skinny...

I am so scarred girls. I'm scarred, because I know eating disorders kills. Every single day, someone die as a result of their unhealthy eating habits. I have been like this for almost 4 years. How much longer will my body be able to take this?
Once, I was very like "it's not going to happen to me. I'm way too in control for that". But ever since Mia began being part of my life, I have started to realize just how bad I've come. I am so much not in control anymore. My hair is beginning to thin and fall of, I have stopped growing, I have a hard time behaving normal around people. My heart always either races, of skips beats. I know it, 'cause I can feel it. My teeth are probably rotting too. I just can't see it yet.
I am so scarred. I don't want to die because I can't control my eating habits. I want to live. I want to graduate, I want to move in with Nicolaj in some house we can call our own. I want to marry him, and have a beautiful wedding. I want to have babies, and become the best damn mother ever. I want to see the world. I want grand children, and I want to live until I'm 80 and die of age, knowing I have seen everything there is to life.
I'm so scarred girls...

I want to be healthy. I want to recover. But also, I want to be skinny, more than anything. I know I won't be able to recover until I'm thin, thinner than anyone I know. I must be the skinniest. I need to. i can't live if I'm fat.

I never though I'd be "the girl with the eating disorder". I'd seen so many films, heard so many stories. Lots of girls had made projects about eating disorders as well, but I didn't give a fuck for that. I wasn't interested in it. I don't even remember how I first got the idea to go online and try to find ways to loose weight fast. I remember that I had an account on GoSupermodel, a girls online forum that was pretty huge here in Denmark. I was in the debating forum, and saw that someone had a debate going about something called a "rainbow diet". I read it, and knew that this was some sort of anorexic diet. Still, I went onto the homepage the girl wrote she had found it on (she was disgusted). That was the first pro Ana site I ever visited. And I was immediately obsessed with it. I goggled it, and I found so many sites, but none of them were ever updated. Then, maybe 1½ year ago, I found the blogs. Like a pro Ana diary that was recently updated, I thought. I was so in love with the concept! That's what really kicked of me eating disorder, you know. Making this blog. I felt like I suddenly had a responsibility to you girls, to actually be eating disordered. I always was before, but never in the sense that I am now. I wasn't that bad. i could still eat regular, even though the voices inside my head protested, told me I was fat and didn't deserve to live.

I never thought I'd be that girl. I really couldn't get how they were thinking when I was younger. Really. They seemed so stupid to me. Like, "how hard can it be?".
I knew who I was back then.
I don't anymore.

Oh wow.
So fucking depressed all the time.
I'm sorry girls.

I love you all.
I love you so fucking much, it hurts when I can't get on Blogger. Whenever my computer is out of power. Or I just don't e the time. It hurts.
I love you all.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥