Look at me, I'm so stupid I decide to fast

Even though I know how wrong it can go.

*WARNING. LONG AND JEALOUSY-ANGER-FILLED-POST*

Before I can explain why I'm fasting, you guys need to hear about something that happend last year through September and the very start of October.

Nicolaj (my boyfriend) had for a loooong time been very clear about how little he liked me hanging out with other guys. I accepted that, as he told me that he wouldn't forbit me to see them, but just wanted me to know that it made him real asd and umcomftable.

So, in September last year started to get real addicted to this online chat for The Dreams fans. He would spend hours there durring the day, and though I knew he used it, I never realized how much. Then a girl from the chat asked for his number, and they started texting. I didn't find out until after a few days, and that pissed me of a bit, that he kept it secret. But no big deal. After a week or so, they actually started to write more those two than me and him. and we write a lot! This made me so mad I went totally crazy on him. I am a very jealous type, but I excuse myself because he's too, and I've given up guy friends for him!

Throughout whole September, they kept writing, we kept fighting, and I kept getting worse and worse. More than once, we we're THIS CLOSE >< to breaking up. At that time, we'd been together for 2 years and 3 months. I even caught him writing hearts to her (by accident, he says. Right...)

I kept telling him that she was tearing us apart, that I couldn't stand her, that I hated her and what she did to us! I told him the truth, never prettended to be okay with this. And he kept writing with her. Dear girls, can you even imagine how frustrating and fucking humiliating that is? When your boy ignores your deepest request, no matter how many times you ask him?

He just told me that it made him so happy, that for once he had a real friend, one he could just write with about everything, one that made him laugh. He said she made him happy...

In the very beginnig of October, I decided to go on to the chat anonymously. I told myself I'd just try and see what she was like, I trully wanted to just give her a chance.

We chatted the entire evening, and I really don't remember too much. Of course, I had to test her. And guess what? Surprise, surprise, she admitted to be totally in love with Nicolaj. Or, what she said was that she had a huuuuge crush on a guy from the chat, who's name started with N. But sadly, he'd been together with his girlfriend (who she called a fat ugly whore, who should just go to hell) for more than 2 years, so it'd be soooo hard to break them up. Big chance it wasn't us, right?

I called Nicolaj, made him come home to me emidiatly. I showed him everything whe'd written. I wrote her and told her never to contact any of us again, that she wouldn't get an answer anyway, and to have a good life. Nicolaj deleted her number, blocked her on Facebook and MSN, and when she texted me to try me, he never answered.

They talked again March this year, for a very short while. It was on the same chat, but I was pressent and Nicolaj knew. She didn't. I told Nicolaj that I'd felt just as terrible that evening, and he promised never to contact her again. And he hasn't, as far as I know.

 Then in August or something, I'm watching a music video that the latest danish x-factor winner has put up, AND WHO'S FUCKING UGLY FACE SHOWS UP?!?

Turns out she won a contest, and got to meet this artist, who I just happend to love. I don't anymore...

Today, I was sitting here, watching a video from the same artist, some backstage clips and so, and a whole video with the stinking winners of the contest shows up... She's just incredibly ugly, you guys wouldn't believe it! But, I realized as I watched the video, her voice is more natural than mine (mine can become really high-pitched, and it sounds kinds childish) and she's thinner. She's not skinny, not at all. it's just that I'm real fat, so it doesn't atke a lot to be thinner.

I need to loose weight. I need to be thinner than her, thinner than any girl.

Once, only a feew weeks after we got together, he told a girl from his class that she was really hot. He was drunk, but it still hurts to remember, 3 years later! Because she was (is) incredibly hot. He told me himself that his friend had had to drag him away from her when he said it...

And I know that he has never thought of me that way. i know that he can't truthfully use that word about me. 'Cause maybe my face is okay, but no one can think of a fat girl as hot. No one...

The girl on the right. She's the one he was so happy about. Maiken...

And this one... This is a picture from the exact same evening. She's the one he thoight was so hot...

After thinking about all this stuff all day, I was so depressed.

My day started by being waked up waaay to early - I'm off school today and tomorrow.

So I ate a whole bag of cheetos, and a whole BIG bag of M&M's peanuts...

Right now, most of all, I want to kill myself.

I'll never be beautiful. I'll never be hot. I'll never be pretty, and sweet, and good enough for Nicolaj. Because I'm just huge fat pig who can't even get herself together and lose just a little bit weight. A fat pig who's just given up...

I decided that I never want to eat again.

Okay, I know that's not going to happen.

But I decided that I will go as long as posible without eating.

Liquids only.

A couple of days, at least...

I will be counting every fucking hour.

I'm writting it on my wrist.

One line for every hour that goes by.

I'm only at six right now.

I hate myself.

I'm so horibly fat.

Disgusting.

I'll never be beautiful.

---

Sorry for this very depressing post girl.

I didn't mean to bring anyone down.

I just needed to get it all out, so I wouldn't break down in front of my parrents.

And, I'm selfish enough that I hope for support and comfort in you.

I'm a pig.

I'll write again tomorrow, update you on the fast.

Hopefully, I'll be in a better mood.

I love you all so much.

You're so much more than I deserve.

I don't know what I've done to be so lucky.

Thank you girls.

Thnaks for everything.

Stay strong girls!

You're all so beautiful...

- Bella ♥

"Mi compleaños es el veintesiete de Mayo de mil novecientos noventa y cuadro."

Yeah, you might already guessed. I'm writing from the school again. And, you might also guessed this: I'm having spanish at the moment.

I really shouldn't write right now. My spanish teacher is the kind that is real cool and funny and stuff, but she's just so strict! I mean, you respect her, you do as she says, and you fucking work your ass off in class! That kind of teacher, you know.

We're planning our... Studying-travel-thingy? We'll, all the class travels together for a week. My class, as an exemple, we're going to Spain for a week, because our study line is called Spanish - English - Social science. Every class' destination is defined by what their study-line is. 2.L, my awesome class, is going to spend one week in Granada, were we're going to museum, we experience some spanish culture, and we have an awesome time. I'm going from 19th-25th of March (durring which time I wont be able to update :/ )

Waaay. Now she's teaching us how to use the online dictionary. Seriously, we're 16-17-18, you're 50. Like you could teach us technology...

This is my lovely class. I'm the third from right.

Spanish is kiiiiiiilling me.

--- *Class ends, another begins* ---

Danish is kiiiiiiiilling me.

It's the same teacher as in spanish. Freaking substitutes...

So yeah, onto danish. Lol, should I include something danish in the title? Or would that be too weird?

Ehehe. I've gotten a new addiction. You guys should really check this out:

Scandinavia and the World

It's soooooooo funny! Like, seriously! Totally cracks me up :)

Maybe it's time for some more weight-body-issues-related stuff?

Weighed in this morning at 88,0 kg/194,0 lbs. So it's better than yesterday.

My intake today isn't real positive, though.

Special K for breakfast (130)

Egg salad sandwich for snack (300 - baaaad)

4 scones for lunch (500 - reeeeeeal bad!)

And now, a piece of birthdaycake- Let's call it 150, it's not real big or fancy or stuff.

So I guess this is it for today!

The only reason I allowed myself the scones and the cake is, that I know I'm going to burn at least 500 calories at Zumba today. Which equals out the scones perfectly. Lol, it's not a great reason, but it's better than "I have no self controle", right?

Girls, I'm off real soon, so I'm just gonna end this quick.

(Maybe I'll update later?)

Sorry to leave you like this - you all make my day.

Take care girls, stay strong!

- Bella ♥

Expansionary fiscal policy

Social science is soooo much fun! NOT!

Yeah, I'm writing from the school again. I'm not much for paying attention in class xD

Yesterday ended real bad. Chetoos, chocolate, winegums. And a sandwich. Not to forget my dinner. Sigh.

Today haven't been much better. 2 Cult Raw Energy (my top addiction ♥), 1 sandwich, 1 piece of rye bread with chocolate. 2 Kinder milk slices. Sigh. When do I learn?

At least I know I won't eat any more today. After school, I'm going straight to the dentist. And after that, straight to my new job! (MONEY!). Won't be home until 8.30, and then it's too late to eat. How saaaaad. Not ._.

Well, my writing on Blogger at least stops me from eating any more. That's always when I, like, pull myself together and think. And now, when I count the calories I've consumed, I know I'm only at about 600 for the food. 460 from the Cult... Bad, but fluid calories are at least better than calories from food. I don't know why I feel that way, it's stupid really. I just do.

I've decided, along with Mademoiselle from OBSESSION WITH PERFECTION that we're gonna do the SGD diet. I don't know when we start, but it can't be too long. Monday, maybe? Don't know. I'm gonna have to ask her next time she's online (she added me on Facebook. Yay for chatting with other Ana girls ♥)

I'm excited. I don't know how much I can lose, but I'm sure it'll be enough to kick me right back into gear. And before I know, I'll have reached 3 or 4 of my goals or so. I can't wait to do that.

It's been a long time since I've told you girls my weight. Shame is the biggest part of that, I guess. This morning, I was 88,4 kg/194,9 lbs. Sooo much. But I'm done with that. With the calories I've eaten today, I can still reach not gaining for tomorrow. From now on, and 'til some time after the SGD, I will lose only. I swear. 'Cause if I don't, there will be consequences that I don't want to face. Done! Just like that.

Tic toc tic toc.

This is soooo boring.

I mean, the subject can be interessting. But it's not. Not right now. And not with the teacher I have. He's cool, all right. He's got a sense of humor (for an old man, anyway), and he's genuinly engaged in his subject. But he's just not good at teaching. He's quite boring. I've got a lot of teachers like that. They're cool when they're not teaching, but they should have gotten another job. Sigh. I guess the gymnasium is just like that, in general. Maybe it's got something to do with my attitude? xD

Giiiiiiiiiirls. I'm bored.

So I'm gonna finish this, and read old blog entries that you wonderfulies (is that even a word?) have made :)

I love you all!

'Til next time,

take care an stay strong!

- Bella ♥

No skipping classes!

Yeah, I still haven't skipped a class this year. Yet. I was so fucking close today!

I had absolute no energy. Slept bad, woke up early, didn't eat. So after the first 3 hours of school, I was so ready to go home.

After being so depressed last night, I decided to fast today. When I woke up, I didn't know what I'd do. I skipped breakfast, threw out my lunch, thinking I could just buy some diet coke or so. Ended up buying a sandwith with egg salad. So delicious! And only about 300 or so calories. Then I had 2 apples. They were giving them away for free.

After eating, I decided I now had the energy to go to classes anyway. I did. Now I'm sitting in the last one, just chilling on Facebook and Blogger. Hurray for not getting absence!

I don't really regret eating. I know that I'm no good at fasting. I always end up binging, and the longer the fast, the longer the binge. So it's alright.

I'll proberbly have some rice crackers when I get home. Maybe some low fat cheese on those. I'll do the laundry, clean my room, and just chill in front of the TV. When I say I'll do the laundry and clean my room, know that it will take at least 4 hours doing those two things. My room's proberbly the main thing, ehehe :)

 

I've been thinking for a while, and how do you girls feel about giving out your Facebook and hotmails to your Ana buddys? I mean, I know some are afraid to even use just their first name. I'm not scarred at all. I know no one can find this thing, since I made up an e-mail account specific for this, and I've never shown it to anyone but my boyfriend.

Well, if you girls feel like it, I'm gonna link my Facebook page here, and write down my hotmail. Then you girls can do with it whatever you want to :)

Facebook - Louise Beenfeldt Andersen

Hotmail: dkzlullu@hotmail.com (Don't even mention the name. I was 12 or something, and it seemed cool, okay?)

This is my current Facebook profile picture.

Just if you choose to search for me instead.

Girlies, I will go back to plaing Bubble Struggle 2 and waiting for this pain to end.

Why is is again that religion is mandatory?!

Until next time,

stay strong lovelies!

- Bella ♥

So hard...

I can't do it.
I can't eat normal.
The last week of my life have just been one big binge.
I need to count. To take controle.
I need to loose weight.
But I also need to do this right.
I've got to start counting calories again.
And I need to stay at a reasonable amount.
I can't just eat like this. I have to count!
Else, it'll get all out off hands...

Tomorrow is monday. A new day, in a new week. A new start.
Monday is the day for new chances, for changes and all sort of stuff.
As of tomorrow, I need to start counting calories, exercising, eating normal.
Like, 1200-1500 a day? I know that's pretty normal when on a diet.
My gym brand also changed, so now I can use both the machines and the teams. No reason not to exercise, right? And 3 meals a day, fruit for snack still. I've just got to be a bit more carefull.
I know counting calories can go so wrong. But I can do it.
I've counted and lived healthy at the same time before.
A long time ago.
Before all this shit.

It's just so hard.
I woke up this morning, and the fist thing I thought about was how my body had looked in the mirror last night. How fat I am. How much I need to loose weight.
Then I looked over at the boyfriend. He was stretching, his beautiful ribcage showing.
He's so skinny. So beautiful. He doesn't deserve a fat bitch like me.
So I ate my emotions away. I ate and ate for breakfast, and then again when I came home. I ate and ate and ate. And now I feel sick. And I won't be able to eat dinner, 'cause I'm so full. That much for my 3-meals-a-day rule.
...
It's not easy, staying posititve.


I'm so sorry that I'm not posting more.
Right now, my life is just caos.
Half the time, I'm so happy. Not with myself, my looks and stuff. But because I believe that it can get better.
The other half... I'm so depressed, and I just want to cry, and I want to tear all the fat of my body. That's the kind of mood I'm in now.

Ana is calling me.
Telling me that if I fast tomorrow, I will have lost weight tuesday. And I know it's true.
I don't know what to do.
On one hand, I want to go with her. Become beautifully skinny, show of my bones, and show my willpower.
On the other hand, I know that if I try, I'll fail again. And I'll just step back into the same evil circel as I was in before. Fasting, binging, binging, fasting, binging, binging, binging, fasting, fasting, binging, binging. I hate all this shit. It makes me so crazy. And to be honest, I don't really know what I'm going to do.

I've dyed my hair. What do you thing about it?

It's bright pink. But the light is kinda crappy at this pic, so it looks a bit weak :/

I don't know why I change my hair so often. I guess it's so that I know people aren't looking at my huge ugly body as the first thing when they see me. That they look at my hair, my make-up, my clothes, and thinks "This is a crazy girl, someone living their life and just enjoying it". It's better to know that I'm known as the girl who changes her hair all the time, instead of suspecting I'm known as the superhumanly fat girl. I mean, ook at the picture! First thing you notice? My hair! Second thing you notice? How much fat I've got beneath my armpits. So disgusting...

I should really be doing my homework. I'm done with the spanish, but I need to make a religious analysis for my religion class. I've got the one another girls from my class made, a real smart girl, and I'm pretty much just gonna copy that one and make it sound like me.
Then I really really need to clean my room.
And then there's  laundry.
*sigh*
Bettter leave now.

Until nex time,
take care, lovelies.
You are so precious to me.
- Bella ♥

Dressed up and pissed off

Going to a partaaay tonight. Nothing unussual there. I get drunk, eat all the snacks, and my voice goes up, like, ten octaves. Wake up feeling bad, spend an hour in the bathroom, drink some orange juice in replacement of breakfast. Spend all day reading, sleeping, watching TV.

Am I the only one who can always predict exactly how every party is going to end up? How the morning after is going to look? Well, I certainly can.

Was in Tivoli with the boyfriend an dhis family yesterday. He went home with his sisters fiancee (the sister was with their parrents), and they stayed up until well past 5am playing xbox. He's going to another party tonight, one with the sisters fiancee. And I swear to god, neither of theese things upset me.

What does upset me is, we almost haven't had any time together this week, so knowing I wasn't going to be sleeping next to him all weekend got me really down yesterday. While in Tivoli, he was so sweet, and gave me all his attention. So when we said goodbye, it was the typical "miss you" "miss you more" thing. Turns out he obviously didn't miss me as much.

I wrote goodnight about 1 am. Nomally, he calls, and we talk for 5-30 minuts before going to bed. Well, not this time. He answered 1½ hour later. In 1½ hour, he hadn't found the time to fucking pause his xbox, and write me back! I'd fallen asleep before he even saw the message! He'd also promised to write every hour he was awake after I'd gone to bed. I'd gotten 2 messages. After more than 4 hours... I know this shouldn't bother me. But I was missing him so much I was crying, and he couldn't even use 5 minuts to say goodnight to me? And now, he can't fingure out why I'm mad at him. He knows something's wrong, but as the coward he is, he choses to ignore it.

 

Okay, that totally rid my bad mood :)

I've been eating normal for the entire past week (as in 3 meals a day, and only fruit to snack on). I've yoy'ed a lot, but I actually haven't really put on from a week ago and 'till today. I haven't been exercising, but then, I never did before either. I know that sometime, when I have learned to eat more normal, I'll have to start exercising a lot more. After all, I want to loose weight while eating healthy.

Words can't describe how hard it's been. Not to eat, that's not the problem. But my thoughts... Every time I looked in the mirror and saw my huge belly, every time I stepped on the scale to see the huge number, every time someone commented on something about me... It's so hard to convince myself that no, fasting will not help me, and that I have to make this a long and slow process if I want it to last. All I ever see in the mirror is fat, fat, fat. All my scales says is whale, whale, whale. Not to speek of when someone comments on me. Liar, liar, liar. But I'm managing. Not without struggle, but I do.

I actually started a binge today. I'd layed in bed for an hour, feeling so hungry, and at the same time misserable and good. I didn't want to eat, but at the end, my brain convinced me it was the right thing to do. A few hours later, I got up, made a grilled cheese sandwich and drank a low-fat milkshake (180 calories for one. I remember feeling like a child on christmas eve when I found them!). Then I ate a cookie. And then 4 creepes (like, the french - and danish - version of a pancake? Much thinner than the American). Now I'm so full, I doubt I'll be able to eat dinner. Which will be at the party. Buffet. Always dangerous. I just hope there's a plain pastasalad or something, with like, lettuce, cucumber and pasta. A piece of bred. A coke. The end. I hope.

Seriously. If I wanted to, I could drink a whole case in an evening. I'm Scandinavian, remember?

Well lovelies. I'm leaving for my friends house for a warm-up session in half an hours, and I still haven't got any make-up on, and I still haven't done my hair. So I'm gonna leave you with this lovely Black Eyes Peas song, which totally descripes my mood right now :)

You girls are all so wonderful!

I hope that one day, you'll see the beauty in yourselfs.

- Bella ♥

♥ I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a goooood night ♥