Football

Weekly weigh-in + plans...

CW: 81,1 kg/178,8 lbs (BMI 29,1)

Loss: 0,6 kg/1,3 lbs

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I am not happy girls. I am not happy at all. 2 days after my weigh in, I was very much lower than this! This sucks. I hate myself...

I didn't fast yesterday. After school, I went home to my granddad. I always eat there, and I know it. So why the hell did I go? I know, I know. It was raining, and cold, and there was 1 hour until my bus was leaving. But I would have survived it for crying out loud! Much better than I survive this. Gaingaingain. Not since last time, that's right. But the last couple of days... I have sucked. Big time.

I found out something that shocked me so bad yesterday. I once read that you can purge maybe 2/3 of what you eat. Yesterday, I was at this medical site, and they said that you can maximum purge 50% of what you ate, and that was in the extreme case. Like, what the fuck? So when I eat 4000 calories a day, 2000 still remains inside me!
I have come to understand better why I have been gaining recently, now that my body has adjusted to purging. So I have decided that I am going to kind-of restrict, and only purge if my daily intake goes over... Well, that's really about how I feel. 'Cause if I eat only salad and fruit, and still go over 1000, I will let it stay in me since it's all healthy stuff. But if I eat just one bag of crisps, maybe 700 for the day, I will purge, 'cause that's some of the most icky and fattening stuff I know. So yeah, I can't calorie limit it. It will be about how healthy I eat.

I have already made me a salad for lunch. 1/3 salad, 1/3 chicken, 1/3 pasta, with a delicious curry-dressing on top. I know I shouldn't have added the pasta, but else, I would be eating only salad and chicken. You see, I'm really picky. The only thing I like in my green salad is the salad and cucumber. And they don't have cucumber where I buy it! Stupid salad-table-thingy.

Gym with my mom tonight. I'm going to go for 200 calories burned on the treadmill, 100 on the exercise bike, 100 by toning. Don't know if I'll add anything to that. I'd like to. But my mom is always done so fast, I feel like I can't spend any more than 50 minutes down there. I know she's only anxious for us to get done because of my dad. But it still annoys me.
I just wish my dad didn't rule my life like he does. I don't think that he gets, that the reason why my siblings, my mom and me do as he wants us too is not out of love and respect, but out of pure fear. I really don't think that he can see just how lousy a dad he is. Sometimes, I wish he'd never had children, 'cause it sure as hell hasn't been easy growing up with him.
I'm so looking forward to turning 18. He'll still have power over me since I still live at home, but I will have a reason to get a private life, like having my own bank account without him checking up on what I spend my money on, and him being able to just take my money if he feels like it. Not that he's ever done it without a reason, don't worry. But still, I'll feel better when I feel like my life is actually MY life.

I'll move out as soon as I can. Nicolaj and I have already planned it.
We're not sure about where we'll move, 'cause we have to make sure that it's close to where we're getting educated. But we have talked about moving to Jutland, which is bigger than Sealand, and therefore have more opportunities when talking educational. We'll get some tiny apartment that will take up most of our money, and we'll live on pasta and ketchup, but by golly, we'll be independent, we'll love it, we'll take care of our self, and we'll live our lives the way we fucking want to! Okay, I guess that's just me.
Plus, we'll be able to have sex whenever we want to, where ever we want to, and we won't have to hurry back into our pants so we wound be busted. Yes please!

One more thing.
Girls, I love you so very much, and I love how supportive you always are, and how much you care for me when I don't deserve it at all! But I might as well be honest, I'm going to get recovered from anything anytime soon. I don't want to recover from anything. All I care about is losing weight. And even though I'm scarred, I'm not going to change that. Please stop telling me to stop purging. It's just not that simple, and I know you're only caring for me, but really, it won't happen. Don't waste your time loves, you're too good for that.

I love you all, okay?
I reallyreallyreally do!
You are way to good for me, and you better know it, you beautiful butterflies!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Stressed out!

Today was one of those days where everything, from the very moment I got up, indicated that I should have just stayed home. So what the hell am I doing now, sitting in school, drinking my stupid diet coke? Which by the way tastes like shit. I'm too poor to buy the good one.

My weight has gone up since yesterday, and it's my weigh-in tomorrow.

The new armband I just bought for me and Nicolaj (he has one with my name, I with his) is already broken.

I ruined my only clean pair of socks this morning when I was dragging them on.

In history today, which begins in 5 minutes, we have to work in groups. That the teacher has made. And mine is completely shit. I'm with the most lazy, non-caring people in my class. And one of them, I really can't stand. No one really can.

If my absence wasn't 0%, I would so have stayed home today. I thought about it for a really, really long time. If today doesn't turn out either 1) catastrophic or 2) fantastic, God have just decided to screw with me today. Either it was a sign something bad was coming, or it was a sign something good was coming. If none of it, He's probably just really, really mad at me for crying all the way through my prayers last night, being so selfish. I don't know which one of those possibilities it will be, though.

And hell - oh, I mean class - has begun...

I have decided to fast today. And I would love if I could get tomorrow included in that as well, but I won't make unrealistic goals for myself anymore. I know, 2 days is not unrealistic for any true ED girl. But for me, it is.

Seriously, yesterday was crazy. I purged 7 or 8 times. In one day. And I didn't even purge my breakfast. You can guess how much I ate then. It was like, I bought 2 bags of crisps, and ate them in 3 sessions, 'cause after half an hour, I went out to purge it. Just to go back in my room and eat more of them. I felt so bad yesterday. I knew I would gain. And still, I kept on going. I was feeling like shit the entire time. I felt so horrible.

There was nothing glamorous about me at that point. There's nothing glamorous about any eating disorder. They just sort of make you believe there is, if you can obtain true perfection. Ana and Mia both promise you that if you get skinny enough, not eating and/or purging will be glamorous, because you'll be in so much power. Really, it's shit.

I hate it. I hate my eating disorder. I wish I could get rid of it. I just wish a little bit more that I could be skinny...

I am so scarred girls. I'm scarred, because I know eating disorders kills. Every single day, someone die as a result of their unhealthy eating habits. I have been like this for almost 4 years. How much longer will my body be able to take this?
Once, I was very like "it's not going to happen to me. I'm way too in control for that". But ever since Mia began being part of my life, I have started to realize just how bad I've come. I am so much not in control anymore. My hair is beginning to thin and fall of, I have stopped growing, I have a hard time behaving normal around people. My heart always either races, of skips beats. I know it, 'cause I can feel it. My teeth are probably rotting too. I just can't see it yet.
I am so scarred. I don't want to die because I can't control my eating habits. I want to live. I want to graduate, I want to move in with Nicolaj in some house we can call our own. I want to marry him, and have a beautiful wedding. I want to have babies, and become the best damn mother ever. I want to see the world. I want grand children, and I want to live until I'm 80 and die of age, knowing I have seen everything there is to life.
I'm so scarred girls...

I want to be healthy. I want to recover. But also, I want to be skinny, more than anything. I know I won't be able to recover until I'm thin, thinner than anyone I know. I must be the skinniest. I need to. i can't live if I'm fat.

I never though I'd be "the girl with the eating disorder". I'd seen so many films, heard so many stories. Lots of girls had made projects about eating disorders as well, but I didn't give a fuck for that. I wasn't interested in it. I don't even remember how I first got the idea to go online and try to find ways to loose weight fast. I remember that I had an account on GoSupermodel, a girls online forum that was pretty huge here in Denmark. I was in the debating forum, and saw that someone had a debate going about something called a "rainbow diet". I read it, and knew that this was some sort of anorexic diet. Still, I went onto the homepage the girl wrote she had found it on (she was disgusted). That was the first pro Ana site I ever visited. And I was immediately obsessed with it. I goggled it, and I found so many sites, but none of them were ever updated. Then, maybe 1½ year ago, I found the blogs. Like a pro Ana diary that was recently updated, I thought. I was so in love with the concept! That's what really kicked of me eating disorder, you know. Making this blog. I felt like I suddenly had a responsibility to you girls, to actually be eating disordered. I always was before, but never in the sense that I am now. I wasn't that bad. i could still eat regular, even though the voices inside my head protested, told me I was fat and didn't deserve to live.

I never thought I'd be that girl. I really couldn't get how they were thinking when I was younger. Really. They seemed so stupid to me. Like, "how hard can it be?".
I knew who I was back then.
I don't anymore.

Oh wow.
So fucking depressed all the time.
I'm sorry girls.

I love you all.
I love you so fucking much, it hurts when I can't get on Blogger. Whenever my computer is out of power. Or I just don't e the time. It hurts.
I love you all.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

My 100th post!

Since December 22nd, 2010, I have now managed to make 100 posts. I have 110 wonderful followers, 304 comments so far, and 5357 blog-views. Oh my...

When I made it, I weighed maybe 3 kg/6,6 lbs more than I do now, but I have been alway the way up touching 89,5 kg/197,3 lbs, and down to 80,5 kg/177,5 lbs again. I have been constantly yo-yoing while having this blog, even more than I did before. Don't know why that is, but I have.

When I made this blog, I had been reading a lot of ED blogs for a long time. I saw they're follow-numbers, saw all the wonderful comments they always got, saw this whole community, open and supportive. I made this blog hoping, but never expecting, that I would be one of those girls.

I have gotten so much more from you girls than I ever expected, ever hoped, more than I ever dared to dream of. You have all meant so much to me. You are all so very dear to me girls. I wish I could meet every single one of you, just to hug you, tell you that I love you, and how very beautiful you are. I wish I could look you all in the eyes, hold your hands, and make you realise that I was telling the truth, that I still am, and always have been.

I love you all so so so so so so so much.

Than you girls. This means so much more to me than you can ever imagine!

♥♥♥

So, I woke up to a happy scale, and though I now I'm not supposed to tell you anything about my weight when it's not Wednesday, I can tell you that I am very close to getting out of the 80's (in kg). This is something I haven't been for about 2½ years, and I have been sososo close once. I messed it up big-time and gained almost 10 kg/22 lbs again. Now, I have finally lost them. I actually decided to fast today, but then ruined it when I remembered that I was supposed to ga sell christmas trees with the scouts. So I ate a little breakfast, and then when I came there, I ate maybe a small handfull of crisps.

I swear, I don't believe anyone have ever been as cold as I was when I got home. Okay, of course I do, but really, it was ridiculos! There's not even snow outside, and still, I'm colder than I even remember being all last year with all the snow! It rained constantly, and my shoes, though warm and fluffy, were not waterproof. Neither was my jeans, my jacket, my mitts, or my hat. So I was cold to the bone. I seriously couldn't feel my toas for half an hour after I got home. Also, there was a lovely wind to make my soaking clothes even more lovely to wear. Sigh...

I had lunch when I got home. Purged.

I have a friend comming over in 40 minuts or so. I met her through the scouts, and she's actually 4 years younger than me. It's crazy how fond I have become of this girl. She's so young, and more than just a bit blondie to listen too. She's very sweet and innocent, and she always does everything I ask her too. Not that I try to take advantage of this, but she does, really! Even if I make just a small comment, or ask a group of people to go bring my bag or something. She just does it. She's very very nice though. I imagine that if I hadn't been so buzy trying to be "cool" when I was young (I was very much not cool. I stole from stores, acted up, was a bad friend and a bad person to others. I was very stupid), I might would have been like her. Somewhere, I always was on the inside, I guess.

We're going to watch "Despecable me", have some soup so we can get warm (she's still at the sale), eat crisps and candy that I will purge, and just bond. It's the first time I'm bringing her home. I have been to her place once, put that wan't a date we'd set up or anything. It just happend when she saw me standing alone in the rain close to where she lives one day, waiting for my dad to come pick me up. It was actually her mom who invited me in. Her whole family likes me, mom, dad, and her two younger sisters. They're so nice :)

Oh my, look, a long post where I haven't even complained about myself, my life (well yeah, the danish winter-weather, but else), or my weight. Not even my eating habbits. I'm rulling this positivity-thing!

Oh yeah, besides, I moved the ABC to Monday. It's better when I get to start after a weekend. I don't know why, but I just feel more motivated. Weird, and a lazy ass excuse, I know.

And one more thing, we're going to have the whole family together tonight, since it's Amanda aka. littlesister's birthday the 5th. More eating together, acting happy. Purging. My life has gotten too predictable. I'll stop purging Monday, once I being ABC, I promise! Promisepromisepromise!

Take care of yourself lovelies.

you are all so very special to me.

I love you all!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Random ramble of whatever popped into my mind while typing this.

I feel like I should write an entry today, but I don't really know what that should be about.

I didn't purge yesterday at all. But I did go over the 800 calories net-total, even with 350 burned at the gym. It was so hard not to purge. In the evening, after having eaten that huge bowl of soup- One bun. Two. A cinamon roll. YES, I know I wrote snail the other day - directly translated from english to danish, that is what it's called. We are a weird people indeed, thanks for pointing that out Sammy. But seriously, can't you see how it can look like a snails-house? Or maybe snails are just weird too in Denmark?

Okay, back to topic. Today has been pretty bad. Ate my lunch spread across the day. I keep being so fucking hungry! So 1 piece og wheat-toast w. chocolate (110), then an apple (55), one piece of rye-bread with cheese (145), one more (145). I felt so bad I purged the last piece. I hate myself.

Then on the way home, it continued. i bought myself some hot chocolate, and knew I'd get it much cheaper if I bought croisants with it. 2. Chocolate. 300 calories each. Just to take off 20% of the price of my chocolate. When will I learn?

I purged that when I got home. Then, I ate an apple (55), and decided not to purge any more today. I ate another apple (55) 1½ hour later, along with a piece of wheat-toast with a cheese-spread (110). Then another apple (55). I had decided that that should be my dinner, but of course I ended up eating these baked-in veggie-thingys my mom made. I have no idea about the calories in those ones, but the dough was very fattening, so maybe 300 each? And I ate 2½. Purged.

Wrote with my ED friend. Didn't tell her about having purged twice already at that time. It's not lying, but it's wrong. I know you're reading this, and I'm really sorry. I'm just so tired of being so weak all the time, and I know you're going through stuff yourself. Please don't get mad :/

I've decided to start the ABC tomorrow. I know that this is totally over-ambigious, but I'd rather try and fail than being stuck here in my bulimic habbits. So even though I am nowhere near ready, having eaten 1500 calories a day at least the last weeks. But I am going to try my effing hardest, I promise you!

I gained after eating all that crap yesterday. Only a bit, but it's still a blow to my head since I had just made a post about how proud I was of reaching my first goal. I am now over that goal with 0,1 kg/0,2 lbs. Nothing. But it still hurts. I'm sure you guys know what I mean.

I think maybe I should make a meal plan for the ABC. I always sort of improvise, and then I make bad decisions. But I suck so bad at making plans, and I suck even worse at following them. I have always been, and will always be, an improvisor. Hint the huge amount of fat sitting on my body right now.

Damn. I sound so fucking depressed all the time. How can you girls keep up with that?

Well, even though I always seem depressed in my posts, I'm not. I just find it easier to write when I'm depressed, since I have more to say then.

In my every day, I'm only depressed a small percent of the time, and very little of that is in front of others too. I always act so happy and smiley like everything is just wonderful. Don't we all?

But seriously. I am getting more and more accepted in my "new group" in the class, I have gotten down to a weight I haven't been at since before the summer vacation, I have a wonderful boyfriend who tolerates me despite all my crazyness, and most important, I have you. You really have no idea how much you mean to me, how much you girls influence my everyday life. It's really crazy, I'm so addicted to this thing. Also, I have begin being more and more on Tumblr, and I do have one myself so that I can follow everyone. I don't post so much from it, but hey, one step at a time, right? So if any of you girls have a Tumblr, please, please post the link in a comment, ay? :)

Time for me to snuggle under my blankets, read in my book, and try not to think of food.

Oh, and by the way, I have finally colledteed enough money to order home Wintergirls. Went to the bookshop yesterday, and they'll text me when it comes in. It's already paid for and everything :)

Sorry, got side-tracked.

So, girls, until next time.

Know that I love.

That you are beautiful.

And that you can do anything, if you just believe it!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + positivity!

CW: 81,7 kg/180,1 lbs (BMI 29,3)

Loss: 1 kg/2,2 lbs (over two weeks)

GW1: 82 kg/180,8 lbs (BMI 29,4) - REACHED

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

So, for once, I am updating this post while being in a relativly good mood. Yesterday didn't go as I planned. One sandwich for lunch, no dinner, but we made kanelsnegle (Cinnamon snails) with the kid-scouts, and there was a lot of candy too because it was out last meeting before christmas. I purged both of those things. Then we had the meeting for the bigger scouts, and we had this competition that we have once e year. It's about solving codes. But first, you have to find the codes, and theese are hidden all over a table with some sort of theme. Like, we have had christmas eve, birthday party, family evening. This time it was chritmas-brunch theme, so of course, there was a lot of food, delicious food that we got to eat while finding the codes. And because it was stretched over 2 hours, I didn't have a chance at purging it. Still, I had lost weight for today, also getting me under my goal weight 1 (in the box on the right, behind the post-review).

I am so excited about this. It feels so wonderful. And I am getting so close to my lowest weight ever at this height! The lowest I have ever been while dieting, that is. I can practicly taste it. I so don't want to mess up this thing.

I do have one problem though girls. Yesterday I was drinking some sparkling mineral water, and one or two of my teeth ached so bad! I hurt so much I almost spat it back out.

If there is something I like about my look, it's my teeth. They are very straight since I have had retainers, and it was such a pain while having it that I take good care of my teeth now. So I have decided to give my teeth a small break. The next couple of days will be restricting with max. 800 calories a day net-total. Fitness every day, of course :)

I have eaten 704 calories so far today (rye-bread 399, bun 145, müslibar 81, cheese 44, butter 36).

When going to the gym I'm aiming to burn 300 or so on the exercise machines, then 50-100 on the weights (How do I know how much I've burned on the weights? It annoys me that they don't have an overlook, 'cause when I google it, I get 100 diffrent results ._.)

Anyway, once that's over with, I'll have about 350 calories left for dinner. Soup is always lovely, and I know that Nicolaj has some tomatoe cup-a-soup, so I'll just have that and maybe some bread with it. Yeah, I'm eating at his place tonight.

Lunch is over, and it's too late to purge. I'm starting to feel a bit panic-y at the thought of all those calories in my stomac right now. I was so much more than I though when I looked it up. Sigh.

No!

I've got to stay strong!
I've got to save my teeth!

I've got to get myself together!

Once, I could go for a week without eating more than 2000 calories in total. Now, I eat more than that every single day. I feel like I have lost every shred of control I ever had. But then again, it has got to be some kind of controle, being able to make yourself throw up several times a day, every day, knowing that it's a really bad feeling - though at the same time, really addictive?

Don't worry, I'm still pretty positive. Just wondering about life and stuff :)

Oh, and I really really want to thank y'all.

The support you give me means so much to me.

Really, no matter how depressed and destructive I am when I post, you girls always find some way to make me feel better about myself again. There is a reason I check Blogger 50 times a day, looking if I have gotten any more comments. Whenever I see them, I always just smile broadly.

Thank you all for always being there for me.

You girls really are the best!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

I'm so sick of being sick...

I have gotten so bulimic lately. And it's working. The weight is droping. I didn't have a weigh-in last Wednesday, but my guess would be that I had gained 1-1,5 kg/2,2-3,3 lbs. Today, it is lower than my weigh-in almost 2 weeks ago, but what does that matter if the method I'm using is killing me so much faster than I'm losing? I know I have always said that method didn't matter, as long as I got there. I always defend myself when people tell my to stop purging. I get angry when some says that all I need to do is stop.

My ED friend did that the other day. I don't know if she's reading this or not, but I don't really want to bitch about her. I guess I'd just expected more support. She should know. What if someone told her, or any of you out there judging me, that you should just eat? Would it be that simple to you? No. And now I have lost the only ED friend I had in real life,  because she couldn't understand that.

Back to topic. I have always done all those things, but truth is, I'm scarred. I'm so, so scarred. I'm scarred that this will make all my teeth rotten, burn a hole in my stomac, will kill me with the use of my own acids. I'm scarred because I never really get addicted to anything. Last time I got addicted to a destructive habbit like this, was when I started cutting at the age of 11. I still haven't stopped that. And it all just went so fast. It only took one week from I met Mia, until I was purging every single day.

Right now, I purge maybe 3 or 4 times a day. Every day. No one really realizes how bad it is, not even Nicolaj. Remember when I told you that I had told my mom about my Bulimia that Friday everything went to hell? She hasn't mentioned a word. She hasn't even given me a hint. She just keeps making me food, and I keep throwing it all up again. Using her toothbrush, since my own is too thick.

I'm sorry that my blog has turned so pro-mia-ish, when most of you come here looking for Ana-stuff.

I really really am trying. But I'm not ready for fasting. Not yet. I have gotten too weak.

I must try to restrict. I eat so much all the time, and I only purge half of it. Still, my weight is going downdowndown. How can that be? Have I already broken my body with the acid so much that I'm losing some of the weight that was my stomac?

Today, I skipped breakfast. I used to hate eating breakfast. It was a habbit that went back to when I was 13 and first started to want to lose weight the unhealthy way. Mia ruined that. I have started bringing it to school, eating it around 9 or 10 every day. Usually, that one stays down, 'cause it's only a 186 calorie yogurt. Ironic, once that was more than I was even allowed to eat in a day. And it wouldn't be only. It would be massive. Then at 11.30 there's lunch. That one gets purged. Then maybe something around 3, if I'm home or have the money to buy it here. Depending on how much it is, I purge that as well. Always purges at home though. Then again around 5 I will maybe eat some more, only on the bad days. Purge. Dinner at 7 or so. Purge. Then sometimes a before-bed-snack. Depending on size, that one gets purged too.

So, I skipped breakfast and left lunch at home.I have no money, so I can't posibly buy anything.

I'm going directly to the scouts hut today, where I know for sure that there is a bit of food. I will have one can of mackerel in tomato-sauce (197 calories pr. hundred gram. Can't remember how much is in one can). Then I will want to eat some more, and I might eat one piece of rye-bread with it (100 calories). If I eat more than that, I know that I will purge, 'cause I can't even stand the thought of having it all inside me at once.

I am so fucked up. How can you guys keep being so amazing, reading this shit, commenting it?

I'm amazed.

Okay, so I fucked up before even having posted this post about me being tired of fucking up.

Ate a sandwich for lunch, which I borrowed money for, and then purged it 'cause it was just too much food at once. So much bread. And eggsalad. So gross.

I apologize for being so bad, so gross. So sick.

Believe, I hate me too.

I love you girls, even if you don't really feel the same.

To me, you are all the most beautiful, strong, wonderful people in the world.

Really.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥