There's nothing glamorous about hanging over a toilet...

Behind closed doors I lay again

Knees on the floor, head in the bin

No one's here, it's just me and her

She looks so weak

Too weak to speak

Soon, I'll be just like her

She takes my hand and gives it a squece

”Until they're out, you'll never find peace”

My mind does not belong to me

It's all hers

It's all just blurs

Soon, I'll be free

I lock the door and I mask the sounds

I'll do anything not to be found

And I know what they're all thinking

”She's out of controle”

”She's loosing it all”

Soon, I'll be shrinking

...

I feel like I'm not done with it. But I just can't come up with any more.

You know, once I could spit out poems faster than you could count to ten. Now, it's a struggle just to get started. Not to say how long it is since I finnished a poem that I was satisfied with...

A real update (Long time, no see)

So, I haven't been myself this past week. Actually, I haven't been myself for a very long time.

The past month, I have been making shit decisions. I have been a bad person, a bad girlfriend, a bad employe, and a bad Christian. The last thing, I will leave up to God to deal with. He knows how sincere I am when I say I'm sorry. He know just how sorry, and He only will be the one the judge me for that.

The first 3 things though, I'll have to deal with myself.

Firstly, a bad employe, done. Since I got firred, I'm not an employe anymore. Ergo, I can't be a bad one either. I swear that once I do find a job again, I will be the best, hardest working, mostly friendly and engaged employe ever. I will never do anything like that again.

Second, a bad girlfriend. I need to work on that real bad. Nicolaj deserves better, and thinking about how much I love him, it shouldn't be too hard to do. I want to be a good girlfriend. I hate getting mad over every small little thing, hate getting jealous just because he plays a game of Guitar Hero with my best friend instead of me. I want to be able to be happy just because he's happy. He's supposed to come first, not me.

Third, a bad person. How can you change who you are? This is going to be the hardest one. It is going to take a long, long time. But I want to do it. I will be thinking about this every day, trying my hardest to be as good as I can. In the end, I want to just be able to be a good person without having to try. I want it to be my nature. I know I can be good. I used to be...

I have no idea about my weight. I haven't weighed since last Wednesday. I know I have gained a ton though, 'cause I've been eating a lot, and purging way too little compared to that. Plus, I can see it. I had finally lost enough that people were noticing, and  now I have ruined it all just days before the party I'm going too. Which is tomorrow. Nicolaj's 18th birthday party.

I'm fasting today. And again tomorrow. I only have a bunch of alcoholic sodapops, so even though I don't eat, I won't be getting too drunk for it to be fun for others. I will be drunk though. Dammit I'm going to have fun. I need to. My life has been so hard the past month or so. I have wondered several times if it's worth it. I have even been standing with the pills in my hand. I have them if I need them. If it gets too bad.

Nicolaj is the only thing keeping me alive right now...

I have started thinking about Ana and Mia in weird ways. Yesterday, they were both sitting on my shoulders, one on each side, like the devils and angels you always see in cartoons. Ana was the angel, telling me that I was strong, that I should choose the light and food-less path. On the other side, the devil in Mia's form kept wispering in my ear that it would be okay if I ate all of it, 'cause I could just purge it anyway.

I have thought about writing down some of the stories my mind makes up about Ana and Mia. I seriously think in stories sometimes. Real "he said, she said" stories. It is so weird. But sometimes, something beautiful comes out of it. I would like to share with you, but only if you want to read it?

My psycology teacher is talking about how illnesses and diseases easily can become a fashion. She started out with crisis, then stress. Anorexia. Cutting.

I'm sitting next to my ED friend. I swear, I couldn't even get myself to look at her. Instead, I looked around. I wanted to see people's reaction. I though that maybe I could read something from that. Think if someone in this room right now if suffering from some sort of eating disorder? We all know how alone you feel all the time. Think if we were both sitting here, thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same panic at the teacher's even mentioning it. And we will never even know. 

Somehow, I always have the ability to make every situation much worse than it is. It's an amazing talent, how easily and fast I can make myself depressed...

I can't deny that I have become rather bulimic lately.

I can't help it.

I someone asked you to stop fasting, restricting, smoking, what-do-I-know, told you about how unhealthy it is. Would it make a difference?

I don't think so...

I love you girls. I really do. And I am very sorry for having been so abscent and weird lately. Everything has just gone to hell here.

I hope you girls are doing better.

I hope that next time you hear from me, it'll have gone better.

I love you all.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Rules

1) Always say no to food. Don't buy it either, or borrow money to buy it for.

2) When you eat, throw up afterwards. All of it. No matter how hard it is.

3) Become thin. Methods doesn't matter, as long as you get there.

Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

Wednesday I binged and gained.
Thursday, I fasted and lost.
Today I started out fasting, the ending up eating a bit and purge, and the eating without purging.

I got fired from my job today. I spend more than 1000 kroner (convert it yourself, I really can't be bothered). The money wan't mine. I stole the from a costumer, using his card.

I have done a lot of bad things in my life.
But this tops everything.

I cut when I got home. And, I told my mom that I was bulimic, the easiest way to explain that I have an eating disorder.
My dad will be home in 20 minuts, and then we'll have to tell him too.

I'm going away for the weekend.
Even if my dad won't allow me.

If you don't hear from me ever again, assume that I have killed myself.

Weekly weigh-in + I'm not "fat" anymore...

CW: 82,7 kg/182,3 lbs (BMI 29,7)

Loss: 1,9 kg/4,2 lbs

GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

 

I did it girls! I really, really did it! My BMI is officially beneath 30, which means that I am not "fat" any more. I'm just overweight.

Of course I'm still fat, I know that. I'm so close to 30 that it doesn't really count. And of course, I don't go from fat not not-fat in one week - wish I did. But I don't.

But still, just the fact. I mean, BMI doesn't mean much to me, but it's just such a victory that I can't help but feel I've achieved something. Something big!
I have been beneath 30 before. And I ruined it, absolutely shattered it. I will not do that again. I never, mark my words NEVER go back over again. Never again shall I be clinical fat. Never never never never never never!!!

Oh, and that's why i bought the Ben & Jerry's. To celebrate. Plus, I made my goal (a goal that I gave myself Monday) of reaching beneath 83 kg/182,9 lbs by this weigh-in. I have already eaten and purged my lunch. I have decided not to purge the ice cream, 'cause that would just take away the joy of eating it. Plus, it takes me waaay more than 30 minuts to eat the whole thing, 'cause it keep melting, and then I have to put it in the freezer again. So it can take a while, haha :)

 

Today is a good day. In some ways. I'm in a real good mood. Sadly, that also means eating without feeling guilty. Which is what I'm doing at the exact moment. But boy, is this sandwich goooood!It's been so long since I've enjoyed eating enough to not even think about purging. I want this sandwich in my stomac, it's that good!
I'll probably regret later, and then want to purge, but it'll be too late. And then I'll end up purging the ice cream anyway. I just know I will, because I know myself.

But right now, I can't seem to fucking care.

Something amazing happend yesterday. I wrote all that stuff about being a bad girlsfriend, and not being able to feel the love that I know I have for Nicolaj, right? Well, I saw him last night because he was down bu the scouts - his mom is our leader, and he was helping out planning something. And as soon as I saw him, a huge smile just came across my face, my heart began beating faster, butterflies apperead inside my stomac. We even had a water fight! We laughed, and we chased eachother, and he made me so happy. We spend one hour that night just laying in my bed talking, his arm around me the whole time. It was so movie like, I can't believe it!

It's like, I go a month without talking about it, hoping it will go away, and it doesn't.

Then I talk to you guys about it, and the next time I see him, all gone! And of course I told him about it too. I don't want to have any secrets from him, so I just let him read what I wrote in here to you guys. And he took it so well, since I kept assuring him that I didn't feel like that at all.

Maybe I should just tell you girls about every single problem I have, and hope that they just magivally dissapear, huh? :)

So girls, break is over, and I gotta go make some serious school work.

We're working in independent groups today, and we're only two in mine.

Me, and my awesome ED friend (just because I know she'll read this).

I love you girls.

I really, really, really do!

So much :)

Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Playing it safe

Pretty much fucked up yesterday after I'd made that post. Ate more, purged more. Sucked more.

When I got on the scales this morning, there was only a small loss, compared to what I'd hoped for. And tomorrow is my weigh in. i only need to lose the same amount as I did yesterday, and I will have earned that Ben & Jerry's I bought yesterday. It is both a celebration reward (for what, you'll know tomorrow) and a carrot. You know, like in the cartoons, where they put carrots on a stick and then tie it to the horses. That kind of carrot. Only, instead it is delicious ice cream. Ben & Jerry's is really really expensive here in DK, because it's such a huge succes in the US, so I don't buy it very often, and I've only tasted 3 or 4 of them. Every time I do something that makes me really think I deserves it, I award myself with a new flavour. This time, it is New York Super Fudge Chunck - I still haven't had Chocolate Fudge Brownie, 'cause they never have it in my local 7-eleven! So mad about that, that's the one I want to try the most! That will be my award for reaching 70 kg/154,3 lbs I think :)

Okay, and now enough with the binge-causing talk.

What I was trying to say when I started that was, that today, I'm playing it safe (title relation!). If I must binge, please leave it for after tomorrow!
Tuesdays are always the worst, 'cause I know that what I eat today is so important for my weigh-in tomorrow. I can't gain. I need to lose so little to earn my Ben & Jerry's, and I'll be so devasteted if I don't make it! Not because of the ice cream. Because I set a total realistic goal, and I am now so close that I can fucking taste it. If I don't make it, it'll break my heart.

Wow. This will so cause me to purge if I eat anything to bring me over 500. Plus the scouts-meeting (for the little ones, the "beavers" we call them) has been moved forward. This means I can't make it, which is sad, but it also means that I don't have to be at the hut until 7pm. Can you say G - Y - M?

I'm having social sience again, sitting here looking at this tall, thin bohemian chick from my calss. The natural type, the one who wears loose cardigans, eart colours, and has her natural blond-ish hair on top of her head.

She has the most wonderful collarbones I've ever seen. As she sits back in ther chair, leaning back with her head held a bit forward, they stick out practicly from shoulder to shoulder. They're beautiful. I want them...

Sometimes, I feel like a bad girlfriend. I chose to go to the gym in order to see Nicolaj 3 hours earlier, I don't really text him unless he text me first. When we're toether, my mind is elsewhere. Sometimes, I have a hard time loving him. Recently, I have more and more often found no satisfaction in seeing him, being with him. I haver never enjoyed our sex. I've never enjoyed sex at all, it's not just him. I just can't.

I can't be losing  my love for him. Girls, he is THE ONE. Every cell in my body was made for him, him only. I was made for being with him forever, having his children, making his life easier. Better. Just the very thought of leaving him makes something deep inside my ache. So why is it that I can't find these feelings when I'm with him? When he text me, why can't I seem to care what he has to say?

I love him, I know I do. Somewhere deep inside, there is a love like no other. I just can't seem to pull it out anymore. I can't seem to think past gym, food, calories, skinny.

I can't believe he's sticking with me. He is worth so much more, he could have so much better.

He doesn't want to admit it. I'm just scarred someday he'll realize I'm wrong.

I can't function without him.

I just can't feel anything right now.

I have gone numb.

I am never happy anymore

I am never sad either.

I don't care about my friends. My family. Not even my boyfriend...

Sometimes I cry, in the hope that I will feel something.

I cut.

I binge and I purge. I enjoy purging. For a short time, I feel like I can so something right.

I have tried starving. But all that makes me feel is hunger. I don't like hunger.

I like feeling empty though.

I feel Mia calling me. And though I have only known her for a short time, I already adore her.

But Ana has been with me so much longer. She has always spoken to me. My love for her is so deep. I don't know if I'm ready to give her up. Though I never belonged to her anyway.

This picture reminds me of Ana and Mia. I imagine Ana as the blond one, Mia as the dark-haired one.

See, they can exist happily together?

I have gone mad.

And I can't even seem to care about that anymore.

I truly am sorry for this confusing ramble girls. My mood went from in the skies to the bottom at the ocean while writing this post. Shit happens.

I would say I love you.

But I don't know if you'll believe me after my long rambling about not feeling anything, anymore.

I do care about you. You are part of my ED related thoughts.

You are the only ones I seem to be able to care about at the moment.

I love you girls.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

What a pretty butterfly...

Well, I have one more story that I though I'd tell you. You already knows everything about me eating disorder. I have told you about my dad and his depression, I have told you about Maiken and me & Nicolaj's relationship. But I have another story. This one goes way back, back to before I even fell in love with Nicolaj, and eating disorders were something belonging only to the Hollywood-supermodels.

This is the story about me and cutting.

I can still remember the first time I cut. Me and my (at that time) best friend Katrine had skipped out on class, without been given permision by our parrents. We were soooo cool for that. We were in 5th grade, both 11 years old. We were alone at my house, talking and laughing like we always did. At my small table was a knife. I was a very small one that I had made myself on a course with scouts. I picked it up and began playing with it, drawing on my skin with those white little lines that comes when something sharp is drawned against your skin. I noticed how it didn't hurt at all. That was funny. So I started to scratch in the same place. Didn't hurt. Funny. I showed Katrine the very small wound that I hade made, told her it didn't hurt a thing, and she was like "cool enough, but I won't do it". That day, I scratched maybe 5 or 6 wounds into my left hand. I even showed it to some of my classmates. They were soooo cool, and I was totally milking the attention I was given.

Then, I don't remember how long went by without me cutting. The next time I remember isn't until 7th grade, but I know that I did it a couple of times in those two years. You see, I was a wannabe emo. I really really really wanteed to be emo soooo bad. My dad was so pissed. I wore dark clothes, safety pins and badges all over me clothes, fingerless gloves with skulls on them, fishnet gloves and stockings. I was so bad ass. And of course I'd goggled emo a thousand times. I knew that, in order to be real emo, you had to cut (I was very young girls...), so of course I did it.

Well, about that time in 7th grade. It's an important one.

I remember that it had something to do with my dad, probably another argument or so. I was 13, which is also at the age that I first started to go onto online pro ana sites, skipping both breakfast and lunch, then binging massivly every second day or so. I had cut two fine lines on the side of my wrist, and I hid them by wearing fishnet-gloves that day. But of course, I just had to get some attention, so I told my (at that time) best friend Adda, who was this really innocent and really really sweet girl. But then she told some of our common friends, and soon, 5 or 6 persons knew. 2 of them decided to go to our main teacher with it. She pulled me out that same day to talk about it with me...

After that, it really took of. I went from cutting once or twice a month, to doing it several times a week. I made sure that I always had at least one wound that wasn't all healed. In 7th and 8th grade, there wasn't any system in it. I would just cut whenever I felt like it, and I'd make one or several deep red cuts at some random place on my left arm. Never on the wrist. It was always on the upperside of my arm. Still is.

In 9th grade, I realized that it wasn't going to go away any time soon, so I started organizing my scars. Now, I have a huge bunch in a long even row, on top of the old ones. There's a pretty even row, and then out of no where, 5 or 6 scars cuts in and break the symmetry.

I have gotten more creative over the years. The last couple of years, if I haven't been adding to my now two evern rowes (on on the top of my arm, one on the side) I have written, or even made motives.

I have a huge scar saying "FAT" on my left leg. I've got a big hard on my left heart, the actual hand. And now, just below that heart, I have a butterfly. 

Whenever I see this scar, I will always be reminded of you girls...

Took some quick pictures. They are in very poor quality, but's so dark here, I can't do any better today. Sorry :/

 Very bad light. Can you see the heart? :/

 My left arm. And this is in bad light. On a good pictures, there's 3 times a many scars...

 Leg...

The new one...

-------------------------------------------

Bought myself a Ben & Jerry's today. Saving it fow Wednesday, after my weigh-in. Since it's not an official day, I can't tell you why I've bought it. I will point it out for you Wednesday, when my weekly weigh-in post comes up.

Today, I've eaten a sandwhich with egg and mayo - I don't want to think about the calories. But I didn't purge! I've also eaten 7 rice cakes with cheese. Purged not even half of that 'cause I remembered in the middle of it that I wasn't supposed to purge today.

Today has been a bad day.

I'll write you agian tomorrow.

I love you. My butterflies.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥