Tuesday, May 3, 2011

So, here I am

Back with the looong post I promised you guys :D
So, the last 2 or 3 weeks have been awful. I haven't been binging several times. Just 1 fucking binge for, like, 3 weeks. I hate myself. Got on the scales this morning, so I had a start weight for my Russian Gymnast Diet (which I will be doing until I'm beneath 80 kg/176,4 lbs ). 85,5 kg/188,5 FUCKING lbs! Seriously. I was at 80,5 kg/177,5 lbs before that binge! So now, Russian Gymnast Diet that is.

Yesterday, I went to he saloon my grandpa's "girlfriend" (whom he've lived with for over 30 years) owns. We tried getting my hair back to it's natural light-blond colour. Of course, that's not easy, especially since my own hair was split into to colours, blond and black. So now, it's gotten an orange/bronze kind of colour. It looks terrible. So now it goes with the rest of me :/

Haven't had my orange juice yet. Can't get myself together to go out the door, and to the store. Can you believe it, 3 days ago I got sunburned (I do that a lot each summer), and today I woke up to frost and ice! Like, wtf? Dear Danish weather. Would you please get yourself together? So we can all stop being so confused, and never really know what to wear until it's to lat. Thank you.

Haven't been to school since Friday. I just really can't be bothered to. Tuesday there was no school. But Monday and today, Wednesday... I just didn't feel like it. I honestly can't do it. I can't.
So today, I convinced to boyfriend to stay home with me. We're down in "The Hut" (the local scouts - that's how we meat. I've been a scout since I was 8 :]) and just chilling. Watching Futurama online. That's about as much as I can do today.

I don't know why I started binging so hard.
I've been trying to figure it out, repeating it all in my head. I've got nothing.
I'm not an emotional eater. I'm just... Addicted to food. I hate eating. I hate feeling full! I hate it, honestly. I feel so bad and sick, I can't do anything afterwards. I just do it because I have to. Because I'm addicted to it. God. I'm a food junkie :/
Good luck getting thin, realizing that. Well, I'm gonna do it. I'm going into rehab :P

I'm so fat, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I could actually see the fat I've been gaining. I'm not just paranoid, my boyfriend told me he can too (made him speak the truth, even though it hurts :/). I really need to loose that, and I need to do it very fast!
God, how did I get this big again? I promised myself I'd never see that number on the scale again! I feel so huge. Like a failure.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to give up. Yes, I've gotten even fatter than I was before. But I won't anymore. From now on, I'll be loosing weight. That's all I'm gonna do. I'm gonna be beautiful and pretty, even if I'm gonna use the next 10 years not eating! I will, I will, I will. I must.

So girls, that's it for today. I promise, I'll write soon.
It won't be as long as the last time. Promise <3
Stay strong, you wonderful girls.
Think thin.
I love you all (all 40 of you now. Wow! :o)
- Bella

1 comment:

  1. That sucks you've been on that binge for like 3 weeks it kinda reminds me of myself, its really frustrating, i eat because the food is there for me to eat and not because im hungry or anything hmph! how disgusting am i??
    Well I hope u do well on the RGD, im not game enough to start it yet but maybe one day :D
    Good luck hun stay strong :D