Perfect

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect 

Weekly weigh-in + why I'm the king of Tetris battle.

CW: 86,3 kg/190,3 lbs (BMI 30,9)

Loss: 0,8 kg/1,8 lbs

Total loss: 0,7 kg/1,5 lbs

GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

 

Maybe more like a queen? Lol, or maybe not. But seriously, I am good. In 6 rounds, I leveled up twice. Like, fuck yeeeah!

 

Girls, you mean the world to my. It truly warmed hy heart when I logged on and read you amazing comments. I'm serious, a smile just spread across my lips, and everything just seemed a bit more positive. You girls really makes it easier for me to go through the days. Thanks <3

So, the weigh-in went good. I actually ate quite more than I would have yesterday, but not enough to make me gain. I'd lost a bit from yesterday to today. I'm pretty happy. Seriously, monday girls, I weighed myself at 88,5 kg/195,2 lbs. In two days, I've lost 2,2 kg/4,9 lbs.  I feel pretty damn good. Sadly, that's always when I fuck up the most. I have certainly already felt it today. So I'll have to watch out for that.

Ate a chocolatebun this morning. Didn't mean to, but a girl in my class gave them to us because it's her birthday. I ate it, I enjoyed it, and it tasted really great. I don't regret it now, but I know I'll have to cut down on my lunch then.

The last couple of days I've been eating 1 meal a'day. Today, I'm planning on eating 3, but they must be healthy. The bun for breakfast, that must have had like 400 calories or so? It was with chocolatechips, so I'll say 500 for a safety. It was pretty big. Then I'll have salad for lunch, like 150-200. And a cup soup for dinner, that only 70. So it's getting pretty high, but hey, I'm going to the gym today anyway. Planning on burning that bun away. I love going to the gym on Wednesdays, 'cause I go with my mom, and we get there just in time for Friends. So I spend like, ½ hours on the exercise-bike (1. episode) and ½ hour on the treadmile (2. episode) without even noticing I'm doing exercise! It's so lovely. Then there's the weights afterwards. I can easily burn those 500 calories.

So, I am allowing myself the food.

Just looked up that bun. It's only 350. Who would have guessed?

So, I'm having this project-y- thing in school. 3 days where we in groups works with an assigment covering to classes, in this case religion an history. It's very boring, and I've only had it for 3 hours. Sigh.

We're having about the reformation. Remember than Denmark is a Lutheran country - we share a border with Germany, so of course we are. Well, durring the reformation, a lot of things happend in Denmark. That's what I'm supposed to be writing about. And sure, it's really interesting, and I love history. But not this way! I dpm't like the methods my teacher use. I'd rather just have a magazine and read to myself, like I do when I'm at my boyfriends place (they get the magazine Historie (History) every month). I hate when I have to work with it. It's stressing and boring as fuck, and no, I do not remember it better that way. Gah!

I'm missing my boy girls :(

He'll come home tomorrow. I must look as good as posible!
I was acutally going to fast today. But then I decided I'd rather fast tomorrow, so my stomac could be as flat as posible when he got home, and then I could just eat real healthy today, and work out. Stupid chocolatebun. But hey, it tasted great. And, it wasn't that unhealthy after all.

Of course, 350 is a lot of calories in one thing. But it's better than 500, right?

I wish I had more to tell you guys. 'Cause then I wouldn't have to start making my school-work. LOL.

No, honestly, I wish I had more to telly ou. My posts are pretty much the same, aren't they? I really don't want to be a boring blogger. I wish I could make all those well-formulated, wise, funny and interesting posts that all you can. But I suck. Sorry about that babes. Know that I try <3

For now lovelies,

until next time, stay strong and hold on!
You're all so strong.

We can freaking do this girls!
- Bella ♥

I am psycic

Okay, maybe not. But I way right about how 4 days + some were more than I could manage. Just after I passed my 32-hour-mark, I felt a huge binge comming on. So I told my mom I'd like some dinner anyway, and had a BIG bowl of tomato-soup with some pasta in it, that looked like rice. I think it was called soup-noodles? But it was noodles. Anyway. Had a piece of bread to the soup. The had a piece of bread with some garlic-creme-cheese. Don't know how much that was, but it can't have been more than 500 or 600. Anyway, it worked.  Had another loss this morning. Lovely :)

Just had some lunch. A salad consistent of: lettuce, chicken, pasta and garlic-dressing (Shouldn't have taken the dressing, but honestly, the salad was so boring without!). It all came down to about 550, and since I have scouts today, that's all it's gonna be. Oh, and had some apple juice for breakfast (90). Maybe I'll have some again when I get home tonight.

I've become very fund of apple juice. It's a great way to keep up my sugar-level so it won't get all low, and I'll start binging on all kind of crap. Sadly, each small carton 200ml) is 90 calories, and that's a lot for drinking. It's so yummy, I could probably drink fo 900 calories a day easily. Still, as long as I can controle it, it's cool. It's good.

Oh, and I forgot to mention yesterday: my dress has arrived! And - *dramatic pause* - IT FITS!!! Thank the Lord! Though, there is some places where it fits rather unflawing, it does zip up and stay in place. Now, if I can just get to the goal weight I have set for the date, it'll be pretty perfect.

Oh, and another thing. It's unbelievably short! Like, crazy short! When I turn around, I can see my own ass! So I need to figure out what I'll do about that. I mean, obviously I'll need to wear somehting underneath it. I just have to figure out what and how.

I'm just so glad that it fits! The tight spots - well, I can lose that. As long as it zips up, I'm sure it'll be okay on the day.

Oh wow. I have the worst garlic-breath ever. The garlic-creme-cheese yesterday definetly left is mark, even though I've brushed my teeth since then. And then the salad-dressing on top. I'm glad I'm not the people around me, LOL :)

I haven't gotten around to download those songs yet. Plus, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. The weather was just too sad, all I could think about was cuddling under a blanket in my room, watching SKINS with a diet coke by my side. I will download them tomorrow, and once it's done, I promise to share them with you girls.

It's 15 minuts 'til I'm of class, and I'll have to hurry up so I can reach getting home and grab my uniform before scouts-meeting begins, so I gotta go.

I'll write you girls again tomorrow, and thursday I'll make a post where I share all my favorite ED-songs with you.

Until then, take care my butterflies.

You girls mean the world to me.

I love you all. Stay strong!

- Bella ♥

Oh dear...

I'm so sorry girls. I know this happens almost every time. I'm just... I'm just really not that motivated. I always think "Tomorrow, I'll have much more to write about. Tomorrow, I'll have the time". And then I'll postpone it again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so sorry.

Good news is, I'll have lots and lots of time to update this week.

The boy left yesterday. He and his class is currently in Budapest, Hungary. I have no contact to him at all, except the one text I get a day. And send.

I've started a fast. I don't know hoe long it'll last. I'm trying for "Until he gets back". But that's very ambitious. I've never done more than 2½ day, and that only one time. Over a year ago.

In 15 minuts, I'll be through with the first 24 hours.

My schedule is pretty busy this week. No time for eating. My only calorie-intake with come from juice. Else, it's water and diet-coke.

I will be working out as much as posible. Which is twice. But when I do, instead of 1½ hour, I'll do 3 or more, so that I can make up for the other days.

Sunday - Work

Monday - Gym

Tuesday - Scouts

Wednesday - Gym

Thursday - He's back <3

My weight this morning encouraged me. I won't tell you how much it is, 'cause it's not Wednesday. But Since yesterday (though I did weigh after eating my last meal, hopefully for 5 days) I have lost 1,2 kg/2,6 lbs. That is a lot in 1 day girls, even for a fattie like me, who have lots to lose from.

So I'm motivated.

Planning on going to the groceries in the lunch break, buying tons of juice. Apple and orange only. I don't like the mixed ones, or any of the other flavours. If I do this, I must be quick. I cannot walk past anything that will tempt me, 'cause I have the money to buy it. I do not want to ruin this now! I'm scarred...

As for yesteday, I had a breakfast consisting of 1 piece of whole-grain-toast w. 1½ slice of cheese. Very very fat cheese. 2 glasses of orange juice. 2 glasses of chocolate milk.

Does this sound bad? Then I don't want to talk about my weekend.

Cookies. Chocolate. Candy. Pizza...

There's only one good thing about this. In 3 days, I had 4 big number 2's (Sorry if it's tmi). So instead of gaining 2 kg/4,4 lbs, I only gained about 1 kg/2,2 lbs. And I lost that over the night. Can't wait to weigh in tomorrow. And even better, can't wait to make an awesome official weigh-in Wednesday!

I am sooo tried. I honestly cannot face having 2 more lectures, and then gym for several hours! But I have to do it. And truly, I do love the gym. i love the feeling of working out, and everytime I'm down there, I just want to keep on going, forever! It's the thought about having to go down there. Fortunately, I remembered my book this morning. And I just started it, so I have hours of reading left. It's great to read on the exercise-bike. When I'm not watching TV. I've got entertainment enough for hours girls, and fruit-juice enough to keep my body up to it (once I buy it xD)! This time, I will not fail.

Oh, 24 hours into my fast by now. Lovely <3

When I get home today, I'm gonna download all my lovely ana/thinspo songs. I did it once, and listened to them in my Ipod all the time. But then I got a new computer, and I'd deleted them from the old one. So I lost every single one of them. And I have a lot girls, believe me.

When I get them back, I'll be so freaking motivated all the time. It's like, when I'm about to give up, I'll just put in my earplugs and sing along with the songs until I'm back on track again. I also used to work out to them, though mostly when I was doing the weights, since lots of them is too slow to do cardio to. But then again, I don't listen to music when doing cardio. I watch TV or read, as before mentioned xD

 

 I love you all so much, my butterflies. Believe me, even when I don't write, I still think about you all the time. You are all so freaking important to me! Thank you all, for always being there for me. You girls are too good for me. I don't deserve all the love and support given to me. Thank you so much!

I'm gonna go buy some fruit-juice now, and then I'll make my way through Spanish and Religion, all the way down to the gym where I will kick ass!

Until then, my butterflies,

stay strong, and never give up hope!

You are beautiful, every single one of you.

And I'm serious. It's not just something I'm saying.

I've looked at all of you, you're blogs and your pictures.

And you truly are beautiful!

Stay strong lovelies!

- Bella ♥