Rollin'

Seriously, I have been doing SO well lately! Yesterday was less than 500 calories, and today was just over, and most of that was purged. Oopsie. (I'll write it more precisely down below somewhere) But really, I'm actually kinda proud. I have always said that I was able to do it, if I'd just get myself together! Well, I got myself together, and I feel so good! Just... Instead of purging every damn hour, I have found myself purging 2 times on 4 days. Isn't that amazing?! I mean, for me! Me girls! Fat cow here, who weighs a ton and eats like it! Well, no more!

The number on the scale just keeps going down. I can't wait until my weigh-in! And never have I felt this way before about it!

So, yesterday, I went back to the ED Center to talk to a shrink. We talked for maybe half an hour, and I told her about my father - and my family in general - being the reason for my eating disorder, I told her about the school psychologist and stuff like that. After that, we used about 45 minutes on an investigation. Their words, not mine, I swear. I had to answer a ton of questions in order for her to evaluate 1) How serious my ED is, and 2) How prepared I am to change that. It was actually pretty easy.

I have been blessed with a very nice shrink. She's kinda fat, and her hair is so white, because she's old, so she kinda just reeks of grandma, of old, sweet ladies, who are always smiling and so. She feels very homey. At the same time, you can just hear in her speech that she is a professional. She can put a word to every single thought, and explain and understand everything I say. I feel honest around her, like it would be wrong for me to waste her time by lying. It's amazing!

I'm going back in next Thursday to get the answers, and a plan for my course there.

So, to my intake. I just want to say, the reason it went so high was, I decided to give myself a little treat. It's Friday night, and I have been doing so well lately. I thought that it was okay to be rewarded, even if I knew it would make me purge. So, here it goes.

For lunch, I had one bun with some cheese spread, and an apple (116 + 44 + 60 = 220 calories)

And then here around 8, I had a small can of crisps and some chocolate bisques (340 + 830 = 1170 calories). All of that was purged. Or, not all, 'cause that's pretty impossible. But I don't think more than 2-300 stayed down there.

So, at total of 1390, minus the 900-1000 I purged. So about 500?

I'm not too beat up about that, since I allowed myself for some. I just hadn't figured it would be that much. I calculated afterwards, and though it didn't feel as much, it obviously was. Lesson learned, never eat those chocolate bisques again. (They are looking at me at this very moment, but I'll just light up a cigarette, and stick my though out at them!)

*Taking a break to light up cigarette, and realizing I have been sitting on a PIN the entire time I have been writing this!*

Right now, my plan for tomorrow is: Sleep late to avoid breakfast, read until lunch, where I have to go babysit until night. Bring over 2 bags of 60 calorie tomato soup. Eat THAT if hungry. Avoid unhealthy things. Rather and apple than a candy bar, or rye bread than toast, if not able to resist. No more than 500, to make up for this evenings treat.

Sounds doable. These past couple of days I have noticed, I don't really hungry until dinner time. That's where I break down and eat every day when I have been restricting. If I eat too late after dinner, it's always really unhealthy, so I'd rather eat my soup at 6, than try to fast, and then eat candy at 8 or 9.

I will write you girls again Sunday, after having been to my sister-in-laws 2... 20-something birthday! xD

Oh, and to answer Peridot (G+P)'s question: They're called Fluoxetin Actavis. They're against both depression, bulimia and OCD. Though the doctor don't know about my OCD. But he knows about both bulimia a depression, so it's cool. They can be appetite suppressing for some, but it's not a certain.I'm keeping my fingers crossed, though :)

I love you girls. I love you for just reading this bullshit, and for actually caring. I never expected when I started this blog, that I would ever have someone to care about it, about me. It means the world to me, and I really, really love you girls for that. Thank you so much!
Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + Eating Disorder Center news

CW: 83,3 kg/183,6 lbs (BMI 29,9)

Loss: +4,3 kg/9,5 lbs (In three months only...)

GW1: 82 kg/180,8 lbs (BMI 29,4)

Well girls, I told you I was seriously fucked up and fat. Here is the proof. Since the 16th of May, I have gained 4,3 kg/9,5 lbs! That is a seriously insane amount for a summer vacation. I have ruined every progress I had made for the past half year!

But you know what? I'm not really that bummed about it. Because just Friday, when I got home from the second scouts camp, I weighed 85,8 kg/189,2 lbs! A weight I'd sworn I'd never go to again. Of course, my period, which came Monday, might have had something to do about it. But a lot of it was my own damn fault.

And, what is even more amazing is, yesterday, I succeeded a 24 hour fast! Me, who have put on almost 5 kg/almost 10 lbs over the summer vacation, managed to fast for 24 hours, just out of nowhere. I just woke up and thought "Hmm, let's see how long I can go today", as I do every morning. And I managed to keep it up until after 10pm, which was circa the time for when I had last eaten. I'm so Goddammit proud of myself! The fact that I binged and then purged everything afterwards. I managed 24 hours!

Today's intake:

4 rice cakes with cheese powder on them for breakfast (about 150 calories)

1 bag of wine gums on the way home from the Eating Disorder Center (about 500 calories).

1 piece of lasagna with carrot and 1 piece of bread for dinner (about 350 calories)

A total of 1000 calories.

Minus the purged, so maybe 700-800?

I tried to purge some of it, but it's kinda hard with wine gums, 'cause they're all just fluent when they come out, so I never manage very well.

Did purge the lasagna...

But still, that is a very low calorie intake for me, and also a very small amount of food, actually. I haven't eaten more than 200g today! The fact that 150 of them were candy is another story. But think about it girls! Me!

And now, for the serious part. Which isn't even that serious. The interview with the consultant.

First of all, he was originally Swedish or Norwegian. I can't tell the difference, I suck at that. Point is, he was NOT danish, and I only understood about half of what he was telling me. Which is pretty frustrating in itself. He asked me all these types of questions, like how long my problems have been going on, what would I like to weigh myself (I lied and said 55 kg/121,3 lbs, when really, it's just below 50 kg/110,2 lbs), how often I purge, all that kinda stuff. Then they measured my blood pressure, my pulse, my height, my weight (82,8 kg/182,5 lbs on their scale), my body fat percentage (36,8, GASP), and they listened to my lungs and heartbeat. He guessed I was a smoker, so I guess that's bad.

Anyway. We made a new appointment the 5th of September, and then, when I see my psychologist tomorrow, I'll find out how often I have to meet with her. I've also been given a dietician, so I guess I'll hear from the again soon. I also had a request sent to all the hospitals in my region, saying I have to come in and get some blood samples taken, and they'll put my heartbeat up on a screen, stuff like that, so they can see how my body and my organs really are.

Oh, and he put me on some anti depressants, which are also supposed to help with my impulse control, so I won't binge as easy, and I'll binge on smaller portions. I can pick up the pills from tomorrow off. So, in advantage, sorry if I start acting a little crazy the next month or so. It's a side effect, before they start working, you get worse :/

And you can't overdose on these pills. Nothing will happen if you try, except for maybe, you'll get a bit sick. But that's all. So I'm comfortable with these pills in my possession.

I think I'll try and make a calorie limit for tomorrow. Without purging!

I must not eat more than 700 calories tomorrow, and I must not purge.

Hopefully, I'll be able to do it. I feel so inspired at the moment. It's so nice, finally feeling that way again. Trust me girls, it has been a long time since I last felt like this!

So girls. I don't know when I'll write you again. Maybe tomorrow, after the psychologist meeting, or maybe Friday. Trust me, no later than Friday! I had totally forgotten how nice it feels to just... Just to be able to share my day, no secrets, no lies. It feels so wonderful!

Thank you girls, for always being ready to give advices, to cheer on me, to tell me that someone believes in me. Just for reading it. Thank you so much. It means more than you can ever imagine :}

Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Finally, an update!

So... I ended up going on another scouts camp, therefore being away for week extra. I'm sorry for that lovelies, I had no way to tell you. And no, I do not own a smartphone. As one of the few, I still have my own, internet-free, build to be dropped piece of crap. So yeah.

BUT I'm back now. And what a time it is to be back.

In only two days - and since it's half past 11pm as I write these exact words, I don't think I can even call it a day. Wednesday, anyway, I am going to the clinical center for eating disorders, to have an interview with a consultant. I have no idea what that is about, and I am SO not prepared for it. Thursday, I have been set up to meet a psychologist. Tuesday next week, I have to meet her again, to conclude on whatever the fuck we have to talk about this Wednesday. I honestly have no idea. I am not well briefed enough at all.

And I'm scarred. I'm scarred as shit. I don't want to learn all about why I have my eating disorder, because 1) I already know, and 2) I don't want to get rid of it! Recovery does not work, if the "victim" is not willing to recover! And I am not. I am so, so not. I am a massive fat-ass, which you will find out when I this Wednesday start making my weekly weigh-ins once more. Of course, I will not make this update until after I come home from the interview, so I can tell you about that at the same time.

I have put on so much this holiday. It's fucking killing me. I hate myself so much, and I hate myself even more for not having the willpower to find my way back to loosing. 'Cause to be honest, purging never worked. It was just my solution to when I was bad, so I wouldn't put on even more. I don't even want to imagine where I would be, if I had not been purging so much these past 6 weeks.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is: I need to pull my fat ass together, go on a diet where I don't eat much, so I won't have to purge. That way, I can be honest at the center-thingy, and they'll think "Oh, she's all better", and I can go back to cutting, and crying, and starving. Or purging. Or whatever. My point being, I can go back to my comfort zone. It sucks to admit it, but I like being this miserable. This numb emptiness that embraces me at all times, even when I fake my smiles and make them all think the depression is gone, or show off my arms and pretend to no haven cut in months, when my thighs still hurts from the night before. The feeling of food, leaving my body, fat never getting settled. I like it. It's comforting for me. Because it's something I know. That's what it's been like for years. It's all I remember, other than filmy glimpses of a childhood so easy, so carefree, that I might as well have made it up.

I cling to my misery.

I don't want to feel all right.

I am not all right, and I'll never be.

So why should I want to put on a mask and fake that I am?

I'm thinking about ABC, just because I need some boundaries, some limits, and making them up myself is not working. Then it feels unofficial, and it's easier to break.

Oh, and I have not eaten meat for almost a month! I know, I know, wannabe-vegetarian. But seriously, I have started to feel like one. I hate meat. It's nothing but dead animals. Seriously, who can put a corpse in their mouth and not get sickened? So really. At last, I really, really AM a vegetarian. And proud of it!

Anyway. I could do ABC, SGD or The thinspo diet. That's probably all I'd be able to by now, and I know I probably wouldn't even last a week. But I seriously need to get something started, even if it's a deader from first day! I just have to have something going!

Only thing is, I have this huge party coming up September 1., where I'll have to eat. It's a two times 40th birthday, held by Lena, my grow-up friend. My bonus-mom, I call her. I can't go through that evening restricting. The food alone will get me over my limit, and the liquor! Oh, I'm gonna be so hammered I'll even forget about all of my problems! I seriously need it. It has been so long since last, and so much has happened lately. I just... I need that one night of no cares in the world. I really do.

Maybe I'll do it, and just push that day. I don't know, you can't really do that. But I kinda have to. And a diet where you cheat one day is better than no diet at all, isn't it?

So, to summarize: I need a diet, though I don't know which one, and I don't think I can do it. I'm going to a recovery center for eating disorders two times this week, to get help with not only my eating disorder, but also my cutting and my depression, though I don't want to lose any of it. And I start school next week. I never mentioned that, I just remembered. Sigh.

I think I'll just turn of the computer now and listen to some music on my iPod.

I love you girls. I never meant to leave you for so long without telling. Things just got in the way, and I'm really, really sorry, but hey, that's life. Not much I can do about it now :/

Until next time,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥