I suck at blogging. I'll try. I really, really will.
So... The big things first.
1st of September, I was at this huge party. I got really, really drunk. And I cheated on Nicolaj. I had sex with this guy named Rasmus. We fucked by the campfire at 5 in the morning. It was 6 when we were finished. It was fucking amazing. I didn't even feel bad afterwards.
A couple of days later, I broke up with Nicolaj. Yes. I broke up with my boyfriend for more than 4 years. Fuck. That kinda turned my whole life upside down. All these bad things, the cutting, the starving and the purging, the depression. He's been part of all that. He was just dragging me down, and once I fell in love with someone else, it was so clear to me. He was a safety port, build up with all my weaknesses and insecurities. So I had to let him go. I didn't really love him, so it wasn't fair to keep him. And I deserve a shot at happiness.
25th of September, me and Rasmus officially got in a relationship. This is a relationship build up mostly with our lust for each other. The sex is fucking amazing! It's crazy. So wild! Don't get me wrong, I really think he's an awesome guy. He's sweet, and sexy, and just lovely. I get to know him a little better each day, and I love it! I just can't help but think that all he wants me for is the sex... Not that he's ever said anything like that, he's actually denied it. But with my self esteem and such... It's just easier to think he only wants me 'cause I fucking rock his world in bed. Then it won't hit me as hard when he finds out I'm nothing like what he really wants. I just don't want to get hurt...
Thursday, I cut deep enough that I had to go to the hospital. I've cut that deep before and not gone, but since I'm really trying to get out of it, I felt like taking a step in the right direction. They glued me together, though they should have stitched me up. It sprung open the day after. Whatever. I tried.
I've only purged 3 times since that 1st of September. And I've been so happy, most of the time. That could be due to my medicine finally working, but I doubt it. I believe it's because I'm in love. I believe that it's Rasmus who's bringing out all these feelings in me. Right now, I'm just flowing along. I have no idea where I'm heading.
School sucks. My abstinence is enough to get me kicked out, and I can't seem to get myself together. I don't give a fuck, to be honest. And I hate myself for that.
I dyed my hair red again. 4½ months break it got. I thought I deserved it by now. It's a darker red than the last time, really nice! I love it! Rasmus seemed to like it too, despite I'd just dragged him through 2 hours of shopping (5 new shirts, and new scarf, and new boots!).
My weight's been going down lately. Reeeally slowly, but in the right direction. I got a diet from the ED center, but I haven't been following it. I've been eating what I want. Not in like, binging all the time. I actually haven't been eating that much. And thanks to Rasmus, a lot of extra calories has been burned lately. So I can't really be too depressed about that.
I'm starting to gain more confidence. I blame him for that too. I'm picking up an attitude, and I think it kinda suits me. I don't know. I still hate myself. I still think I'm ugly as fuck. But I don't always act that way anymore. The difference between confidence and self esteem, you know. That way.
It's both nice and sucks. I've started to not give a fuck about things I should worry about. I'm spending my money on whatever I want, I'm skipping classes in order to be with Rasmus, I'm never at home any more. I get drunk, and I do stupid things, and then I go do it all over again. I don't really care anymore. I just wanna be young, and wild, and free. All the things I couldn't be when I was with Nicolaj. All the things I have missed, while all my friends went through it. Now it's my turn to act like a 16-year old. Even if I'm 18, and grown up, and all that shit. I guess I really do believe that somehow, everything is gonna fix itself. And that attitude won't change until I'm proven wrong.
I'm getting my first tattoo soon. Don't know when, though. If I can make it a month almost without cigarettes, then I guess I could have it done in December already. That would be lovely. It's gonna be a butterfly. Surprise!
...
He's got a best girl friend. So far, it hasn't been a problem, since she's in Switzerland for a year. But you know me. I'm the jealous type. It's just... She's so beautiful! I'm scared that if she ever falls for him, he'd be ready to leave chubby, ugly me for a beauty queen like her. They've know each other for 16 years. They've done everything together. They even have tattoos together, that he paid for!
Deep inside, I guess I'm just jealous 'cause I never had that. I never had a best friend. Someone who knew everything about me, someone who's been by my side for as long as I can remember, someone who just gets me, who I can do anything with. I want that. But it's too fucking late. So now, I'm seeking to have all those things with my boyfriends. And that's what makes me so fucking crazy sometimes.
One drunk night, I read his Facebook messages with her. When he told her about me the first time, she went onto my Facebook to stalk me. She then wrote him "is she heavy?". He answered her "a little". I fucking died inside. Everytime I think of it, it makes me want to never eat again, ever...
Enough me for one night.
I swear girls, I'll be back soon. Very soon!
I've gotten a smartphone - FINALLY - so now, I can even make short updates from school and stuff. Don't be surprised if I start doing that :)
I love you girls. I love you with all my heart! <3
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella
