Butterflies with broken wings: Taking it seriously (Me, serious? LOL!)

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who commented my last post. It means so fucking much, 'cause I was so needing it at the time. It's nice to know you girls are still out there, and that I can always count on you! Thank you so much lovelies! <3

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In short terms - I did a succesfull fast, then ate like crazy for 3 days. I'm sure I'm currently at my higest in a year, and I'm avoiding the scales, 'cause I don't want that confirmed.

Last night, I broke down in front of Nicolaj. I couldn't help it. All theese thoughts, they just flooded over, and before I knew it, I was laying in his lap, crying my eyes out.

I told him about my fears. All of them. That I'll only live to be 40, that I'll die from a stroke or diabetes, or some other diseas directly linked to my overweight. That I won't be able to have children...

What I told him was, generally, something like this: "I'm scared that I'm going to die, or not have babies, or become very I'll and in need of help from others. I know all this, and I'm scared to dead. Sp why the fuck is it that I always fuck up? Why can't I fucking think of it until AFTER I've ruined everything? It's like, my mind just shuts down while eating, and I can' think about anything but food. I don't even enjoy being full. I hate it more than I hate being hungry, so why, when I'm hungry, do I always stuff my face until I'm full?"

And he was like: "..."

I don't blame him. What do you say to stuff like that?

He just held me thight, told me he didn't want to lose me, that he was scared too. That he believed I could change things, that everyone has a hard time chanigin habbits, but they do it anyway. I love him so much.

So, I decided that I'm going to take this thing seriously. My overweight. My binge-eating disorder. My life. I'm going to be serious, and do it because I have to. Because I don't want to die aged 40, because I want to have children, and not differ their lifes with diseases of all sorts. I'm going to take this fuck serious! I seriously need to lose weight!

So I'm doing a serious fast. And once that's over, I'm doing a serious month of SGD. Past that, I'll work up something new. I'm serious now. A seriously overweight girl with a serious effort to lose weight. Seriously.

I'm currently on 17 hours without food.

Planning on making it at least 36. Hopefully more.

Liquid fast. Liquid calories are allowed, but only real liquid. No smoothies, no milkshakes, or anything else that isn't as liquid as water is. So energydrinks and juice are okay, but blended things aren't.

I'm doing the counting-on-my-wrist-thing. I've been doing that a lot lately. It just motivates me so much. To look down and see those lines. You just want to see even more of them. It's really helpful :)

I've decided I'm doing SGD as of Monday. Since it's made so that more calories are allowed in the weekends, and I always eat more in the weekends, I decided that I want to do it right. So as of Monday, I'm doing SGD. I'll have to talk to Mademoisell e about it, 'cause she said she'd like to do a diet with me, and I suggested the SGD. But even if she doesn't feel like joining, I'll be doing it from Monday! Because that's a serious decision the serious me have made!

Oh sigh. I won't have any time to myself today. I'm off school at 3.25 pm, in Ejby (the smallest town in the world) at 4.15 pm, scounts begins at 4.30 pm. I'm an assistant leader for the little scouts this year. As well as I have my own trupe from 7 pm - 9 pm. So I won't be at home at all until 9.30 pm. Then I'll do some homework, and I'll go to sleep. Every second week will be like this, this year. And the other seconds weeks, I only get 1½ hour at home before the scouts.

I've also started my new job. I work every Friday from 4 pm - 8.15 pm, and every second Saturday from 7 am - 3 pm.

All the days that I'm not working (scouts is voulenteer-work, so it's still working!) I'll be going to the gym. Even if it's jsut 30 minuts, it's better than nothing. I've been the last two days, though I won't have the time today. Both times, I've take 30 minuts on the exercise bike, and done some weights and sit-ups. So 300 - 350 calories burned both days. If I up that to 500 calories each time, and I'll go 4 or 5 times a week, I'll burn more than 2000 calories in a week, just in the gym!

You know, that's a lot. Seriously.