I don't want to do this any more

I'm not ready. I do not want to get better. I do not want to see a doctor. I do not want to talk about my problems, and I do not want get over it! I can't. I just can't.

My life is such a mess right now girls. I'm sorry I'm so lousy, not commenting or updating for weeks, then come crawling back to you when I feel like complaining. I'm just a mess. Nothing is ever working out for me. I can't starve myself, even though it's just not eating. I can't purge all my food, even though it's just about keeping going. I can't cut deep enough, even though it's just about pressing harder. I can't get good grades, I can't be a good friend, a good girlfriend, I can't do nothing. I can hardly make 'til the next day. Every day I go to sleep, hoping I'll never wake up again. And every morning I get up, not knowing wether or not I'll make it through, wether or not this will be the day it all ends. And I'm starting to hope. To believe. Because it seems like the only way out.

And still, I do not want this to end. I don't want to get better. I want to be this miserable every single day for the rest of my life. Because I don't deserve nothing else.

Every day I wake up, and I put on my mask before I even leave the room. I keep it up all day, and it's so fucking hard. But I manage to hide the pain from them all, somehow. At night, it crumbles. Sometimes when I'm with Nicolaj, but mostly, it's when I'm alone. 'Cause that's when all these things hit. How much of a failure I am (we all know that feeling), how I don't deserve anything I have, how I'm just not worth it. I've been given so much throughout my life, but I throw it all away, and I go ahead and play sick. I am sick. A sick fuck, who doesn't really want to live, but doesn't want to die. Who doesn't want to go through all of this, but still cling to the feelings.

 

I don't remember if I ever told you about Lena, my... Well, how do I describe her... She's my friend. She's 40, mother of two, and she's the most generous and loving woman I have ever met. She might even be reading these words. She earned my trust, so I told her about it all. Even the blog.

I tell her everything. She's wonderful to talk to. She never ever judges you. She's had a very rough life herself, which just makes her so much more amazing for making it through every day with all this, and still have the energy to help fucked people like me.

She's so super supportive. She really wishes for me to get better. And it breaks my heart so much, seeing all this, and still not being able to accept it. I wish I could do this for her. But I just can't. I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I care about her so much. It's a huge change in my life, having someone older, wiser, tougher to talk to, and not being judged. Everything that I should have in my parents, but never had...

I'm too fat to have an eating disorder...

Weight-wise, I'm fucking. 81,8 kg/180,3 this morning, positively gone up by tomorrow. I saw 77 kg/169,8... And I can feel it only body. My belt. I can see it in the mirror. My dad even told me he could see it too. He doesn't get it. Doesn't get how much those innocent words hurts. He just meant to warn me in a nice sort of way. Instead, he made me cry.

I just hate myself. I hate myself so, so much. I feel like cutting up all my skin, making my body as ugly as can be. I don't deserve nothing else. I'm pretty sure God had this figured before I turned 5.

 

I don't... I don't know how to end this post...

I don't deserve you all. I don't want to make any more promises to you, I don't want you to care for me and support me, when I never supported you, never made you feel better when you needed it.

You have been my everything for so long by now. You keep me fighting, help me through the day. I hate myself for letting you down. You deserve better than this. Than me.

I love you girls. So, so, so, so, so much, it hurts!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

Everything I'll never be...

- Bella ♥

No weigh-in tomorrow! (Happy valentine loves! You're all mine, and you know it!)

I stepped on the scale this morning... And I wanted to kill myself. So that's it. No more weigh-ins 'till I lose some weight! Once that weight's lost, I'll tell you the weight from tomorrow, and the other Wednesdays. But I'm not ready yet. For now, I just need support in getting back to my old habits. I'm a selfish bastard for asking for you support, knowing that I have not been giving anything lately. But I just need it real badly. Everything is so fucked up lately loves, and I have no control. I can't control what I eat, I can't control my fat ass in the gym, I can't control my cutting, my purging, my weight, my life... I have no control in any aspect of my life currently. And I hate every second of it. I really, honestly hate my life at the moment.

Okay, enough with the sour me. Being honest, my life has actually become better lately. I've been spending some time with my best friend, and I've worked things out with Nicolaj, so I have no reason to be miserable. But I am. I feel so sad and ill all the time. Really, honest to God, ill. I've been feeling nauseous, and light-headed and dizzy, I get headaches, and I've been trembling. I daily fear that I'll pass out in the middle of school or something! I drink enough, and I more than eat enough. I hardly ever purge anymore either. It's not the cigarettes, I'm sure. And it's not when I've gone long enough without eating or something. It just appears, out of the blue and chokingly bad sometimes.

Does anyone know this feeling? What's causing it? HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY? *frustrated*

*Cigarette break*

Better.

I'm getting my period today, and my stomach is killing me! My cramps got a lot better after I started using the pill. But the last couple of times, they've gotten pretty bad again, and I have no idea why. It's making me moody, and it gives me another excuse for eating more. Bad. I carve all sorts of stuff. Ben&Jerry's despite the cold, Cult, pizza, chocolate, candy... All these delicious things that I've been eating so much of lately. All the things I crave all the time. And when I give myself the excuse that I'm on my period... It ends up badly. I hate it. I hate myself for taking every excuse I can, use it, eat, eat, eat, eat, EAT.

I hate eating. I hate doing it. I hate how much I love it. Why can't I just shut my fat mouth and think, think, THINK?!

*Break again*

I'm so confused girls. Nicolaj thinks he's on the way into a new depression, and I agree. The last one had, I think it's almost two years ago, almost broke us up. I tried to break up with him several times. I stopped loving him. I was a bad girlfriend, admitted, but he made it so hard. It was so bad, and because he was only 16, no one listened to him when he told them he needed help. Not the doctors, his parents, no one. No one believed he was depressed. I was the only one there for him, and I was the one causing most of the trouble. It made it so hard.

If he gets one now, when I have all these problems myself... I don't know if we'll make it through. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through. I'm so afraid I'll break down, that I'll end up doing something really, really bad, like killing myself, or get in some sort of alcohol or drug abuse, or... Just something, something bad.

He never tells me anything. He never talks about his feelings until he just breaks down and cry it all out for hours while talking about how nothing is ever gonna work out for him. 

I don't want this to break us. I don't want to lose my feelings for him. I don't want to lose him. He's all I care for. All that matters. I'd give my life for him. So why can't he just be happy? Why does he have to feel so bad? Sometimes, I have a hard time believing in God. This makes me bad Christian, if one at all. But it's true...

I'm sorry that I turned this into one another depression post. It just seems like that's all I can produce these days :/

Happy/Crappy valentine to you all, my loves. I have taken the courtesy to call you all my valentines, and if you don't like, too freaking bad!

I love you valentines.

So much!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥

Run baby run, don't ever look back. They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance ♥

No weekly-weigh in last Wednesday. i was too fucking scared to see that number.

I've been eating like shit the past couple of weeks lately. And my weight is not happy. I can see it. I can feel it on my clothes. My belt is not happy about being buckled in the third hole, instead of the second. I just can't face reality any more. I have started ruining my body in every possible way I can. Anything to get away from this hell.

I've started smoking girls. I know how unhealthy it is, both of my parents smoke, and have since before they were even together. And I like it. I mean, it tastes like hell, but I like the high I get from the nicotine. I know that won't last forever. But for now, it's wonderful.

Nicolaj doesn't know. I told him when I started, and he freaked. So I decided to tell him I'd quit it immediately. That's part of the reason I haven't been writing in here. I'm so scared he'll see it. I don't want to go through hell again. i think I'll just tell him to stay away from the blog from now on. He'd respect that, I think. And if he doesn't, I'll change the URL to something he doesn't know, and I'll just post it as a comment on all of you lovelies' blogs so you can find it. I'd make it one of those you can't see in the menu, but can only find if you know the URL. Yeah, that's my plan, I think.

I'm sorry I haven't been a good blogger or follower lately. I've been stressing myself out by eating and eating and eating. The smoking lessens my appetite, but I have stopped eating because I'm hungry. Now, I just eat whenever I can. Fat fat fat fat fat. I've got to change that. I'm tired of eating, and gaining, and purging, and cutting, and crying. I'm sick of it, actually.

A wonderful example is today. I was out shopping with my parents, and I told them I was hungry. Now, we were only in supermarkets and stuff, and of course, they didn't want to buy my junk food.So instead, they bought me this 8-pack of müesli-bars and a packet of strawberries. I was supposed to eat only two bars, and then all the strawberries. But I just kept on eating, and even though I was full after the third, very full after the fourth, I continued. I actually managed to stop myself, but by that time, I'd already eating sex. They're 108 calories each. Plus the 250g of strawberries. That's 102,5 for the strawberries and 648 just for the fraking müesli-bars! Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! 750,5 calories for today already. I was only able to purge the strawberries and maybe 1/4 of the bars. They just wouldn't come up.

And I'm having dinner tonight. My parents have planned this big thing, so there's no way of avoiding it. I hate my life...

Well, about that psychologist: I went to her, I talked to her for 45 minutes, and then we made another appointment 4 WEEKS FROM THE FIRST. Like, wtf? Do you really think that I can go for 4 weeks without all this getting worser than it already is?
She told me that my cutting and my eating disorder probably had something to do with my family relationship (no shit Sherlock), that I should try and change my view of both of my parents - be nicer om my father, harsher on my mother - and that I should seek some help from the psychological department at the nearest hospital. And that's it.
I mean, I could see her point. But really, I already knew everything she told me. Everything, from the envy I give my little sister, to the part where she told me simple psychologist probably isn't enough. She was so oblivious to the depression that I'm suspecting I know I have. She honestly though this was a  not too serious case, and that talking would be the way to help me out. No medication. No counseling. Just talking. I must admit, I don't like the though of having to go back to her.
So, when I came home, I told my mom, as I'd been asked to. She told me they already knew. Asked me if I thought it was inaudibly when I went out to purge... I was so choked. They knew all along, and they never even talked to me about it, let alone tried to help me?! I cried so bad that night. She came in after I went to bed, crawled under the sheets with me and just held me. Told me how hard it is for her, how much it hurts her that I hurt this much. That she didn't know how to react, that chock was the first reaction to take over. That she didn't mean all that shit.
She then set me up. Wednesday, I'm supposed to go to my doctor and tell him/her about all this. Then we'll see what they say. I just know they'll try and send me to that psychological department, I just know. And until then, I can keep cutting, binging, purging, starving.
I'm not starving yet. I want to starve. I want the pain. Please...

So, dear lovelies, now I have in a very short time summoned up what has happened in my life for the past 1½ week. That just sucks.
I promise, I'll be writing more. Now, I don't have the excuse that Nicolaj'll see it. If you do baby, know that I love you, but I need, need, NEED to be able to make my own choices and decisions, to live like I want to live. Not like anyone else wants me to.

I love you girls. You light up my world, you really do.
I'm sorry for being such a pessimist all the time.
Never doubt me. I'll never stop loving you.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful.
Unlike me.
- Bella ♥

Weekly weigh-in + 10 day challenge - Day 2 (yesterday)

CW: 78,8 kg/173,7 lbs (BMI 28,3)

Loss: +0,4 kg/0,9 lb

GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

So, tini tiny weight gain. Nothing big, and since I was over 80 las Friday, I'm not really that sad. Plus, I still lost weight from yesterday 'till today, which I am very, very surprised about. You'll understand when you see my points and explanations from yesterday.

Also, I swear, I'm gonna work my butt of this week so that I next week finally, finally, can tell you guys about how I reached my goal weight 2. Really, I have been so close for so long, and I'm sick of it. So - sick - of - it.

You guys remember how I wrote last week that I'd made an appointment with the schools psychologist? Well, that appointment is in 1 hour and 40 minutes as I write these words exactly. My arm is covered in red cuts from last night  - I'll explain that afterwards -, and I'm freaking out at the thought that she might tell my parents. Also, I don't know how much I can tell her. I don't want to stop cutting. I don't want to get out of my eating disorder. I like being miserable. I'm so fucked up, I know.

I just wish this depression (self-declared, based on a tons of online tests and my experiences with depressions in the past) would end. I'm so sick of not being able to be happy. But at the same time, I don't want to get happy. 'Cause if I get happy now, my parents will never know what they did to me. How fucked up I have become while they have been oblivious to my fading away.

I'm freaking out. My heart is beating so fast. I don't know what to do. I'm all alone. Good thing I don't have any sharp objects...

So, about the cutting. Last night, I came home from the scouts, feeling real depressed. I hate eaten so much shit that day without even purging, and not exercised at all, and knew that my points from that day would be terrible. All I had thought about for hours was cutting. But I didn't go into my room to cut. Instead, I went to the kitchen, to make myself some more food, that I was going to purge. Just to make my misery complete. That's when my dad caught hold of me. At first, he ignored me when I talked to both of my parents. Then afterwards, he told me that he was not in the mood for talking with me, that he was so unpleased with my not doing the laundry that he was thinking about not paying for my studying trip (remember I told you about that week we were going to go to Spain, all of my class together?). The last day for payment was today, and he told me this yesterday. Then he added that the next night - tonight - we were going to have a very serious talk about my future after the 27th of May, my 18th birthday, 'cause it was looking very dark from his view. So translated, he told me that because I hadn't done the laundry, he wanted to prevent me from going on that trip, as the only person in my class, and that he wants to kick me out of the house as soon as I turn 18. I love you too Daddy.

 I have not eaten in days. Do you love me now?

This was what made me cut. My dad had been so bad in so many ways, and I had fought so hard not to cut. Then that SON OF A BITCH (sorry grandma) fucking pushes me over the edge anyway! I cut all of my forearm, and I cut much deeper than I would have if I hadn't been so pissed of! It bled a lot, and I ruined one of our towels when I used it to wipe the blood of my arm. All I could think was "fuck him, I'll ruin everyone of his stupid towels and force him to use money on some new ones!". I was so mad! 

What did I ever do, that made me so hard to love? As far as I recall, I never called him fat, I never told him he was worthless, that he'd never make anything of life, that what he did was just not good enough, I never disapproved of  his clothing, his hair, his music. I never tried to kill myself, I never got drunk and then threatened to cut off my finger while he watched, I never got drunk and cried out on his shoulder, while he struggled to just hold me up. He was the motherfucker who did all of that! So why, why was I so sad when he tried to kill himself? Why is it me that doesn't feel loved, and not him?

Most times Sometimes, I wish he had just died that day. If he'd died that day, I would have been a lot better of today. I would have been much more normal. I know it's a terrible, terrible thing to say, but the last 3 years, during and after his depression, has just been so bad. I have honestly stopped loving my father.

If he had died that day, my mom would be able to show her children that she cares. She would be able to show it, and mean it. She stopped doing that about half a year ago. And it hurts, it hurts so fucking bad! I loved her so much. She was my rock! I could tell her everything. Now, she just doesn't care anymore...

Do you know how it hurts, when your parents stop loving you, your friends leave you, and the only thing that is real is a razor? 

This is just gonna be quick, 'cause I doubt anyone are really still reading after all that bullshit I just let out.

Yesterday's points:

Sleeping: 10 points

Eating: 0 points

Exercising: 0 points

Water: 10 points

Total: 20 points.

Pathetic, much?

---

Know that I love you girls. So much more than anything.

I'm so sorry I'm such a depressed asshole. 

I'm sorry I'm not nice to anyone, neither myself or anyone other.

I'm always complaining about someone,

and I'm sorry about that.

I'd never complain about you girls <3

Good thing I'm gonna get some professional help today, huh?

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥